My acceptance speech

Motivated by the recent Academy Awards ceremony held in Los Angeles, I have decided to write the acceptance speech that I will deliver when accepting my own award.

When my name will be called, I will naturally show surprise and immediately lock lips with the man or woman sitting next to me.
I will then dash to the podium to deliver my improvised, previously written address.
I will naturally be wearing some ribbon showing that I am an upright human being supporting (but not necessarily financing) some humanitarian cause. Supporting Free Tibet is always a good choice.

Oscars-500x619I will then raise my Oscar, and overcome by emotion, I will thank as many people as time allows (and beyond).

So here is my totally improvised speech:

“I want to thank the Academy for bestowing this prestigious award upon me.
I am honored and deeply grateful, but I want you to know that I owe it all to a bunch of obscure little people who were always here for me.

Sitting on the front row is a woman, pregnant at sixteen and mother of four, who means the world to me.
Her name is Rosario and she is my cleaning lady. She always made sure that my carpets were clean and my bar well stocked. I could never have done it without her.

I also want to thank my mother, for not loving me and kicking me out of the house at a very early age. She taught me not be a wimpy kid and to be self-reliant.
Thank you Mom for being tough on me…
And eat your heart out, bitch!

I want to thank Madame Nguyen Tan Dung, my pedicurist, for keeping my toes shiny and my moral up.

I want to thank my lovely concubine whom I usually visit at night riding my scooter.
She could not be here today (she is babysitting my Shar Pei) but she deserves a medal of her own.
She never pressured me to leave my wife of twenty years and our four kids but would like a new set of boobs. I think that she earned it.

I want to thank Crunch my neighbor’s pit bull for not barking at night and letting me work undisturbed when I am not high on Coke or assorted stimulants.

I want to thank Secretary of State John Kerry for keeping peace in the world, or at least until the end of this ceremony.

I don’t want to forget my attorney Saul Goodman who is always willing to help, no matter how bad things look.

And most of all, I want to thank myself for never giving up and having the gumption to send thousands of letter asking influential people to support my candidature.

And now, I invite you all backstage for a slice of pizza and a shot of Stoly. Please leave some tips in the hat by the door.
God bless you all and thank you again for letting me take home a trophy that I so richly deserve.”


Le rire

Last night I watched a two-hour “laugh festival” on TV, and I never laughed. I might have smiled a few times but I never laughed out loud. Very sad.
The entire thing was a rather pathetic affair and I felt sorry for the captive audience that had to endure this unappetizing “comedic” smorgasbord… and pay for it.

Everybody wants to laugh, but to induce laughter requires brains, good timing and an extremely dexterous touch… and few comedians have it.
Many rely on slapstick, pratfalls, vulgarity, gross sexual innuendos and those things are seldom amusing.

A bad comedian is like a homely girl wearing too much makeup to compensate for her lack of charm.
He relies on shticks to compensate for his lack of talent and can seldom hit a homerun.

But the comedy business is no laughing business. It is a multi-million industry and it needs to churn out the goods.
And this is the “raison d’être” for all the pathetic “sitcoms” (and their obnoxious laugh track) that are a daily offering on American TV.
Half of them should be weighed down with an anchor and dropped into the ocean.

You cannot be continuously funny week after week.
I once read about a man who was a renowned wit. He was in great demand in all the literary salons, and each time he made an appearance, he effortlessly dropped one or two sparkling gems.
Needless to say that he was revered for his easy wit.
What people didn’t know was the fact that he worked very hard to produce such gems.
If he couldn’t come up with something genuinely clever, he pretended to be indisposed and stayed home. Fearing to tarnish his stellar reputation he could stay home for weeks at a time.

Many comedians should heed this advice.

Humor also evolves. What was hilarious fifty years ago is probably not funny today.
When I was very young I used to love Jerry Lewis. Today I absolutely loathe him.

It is said that laughing is the best medicine, but bad medicine can have unexpected and unwanted side effects.
If a prescription shows some undesirable side effects it should be discontinued, and so should bad comedians.

When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other.” Alan Alda
It seems that we need more good comedians and fewer bad diplomats.


A semi-good comedic routine:


“Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys”
Absolutely not!

If you or your children want to become insanely rich quickly, don’t do it the old fashion way, by the sweat of your brow.
Write an “app” instead.

iphone-appsAn app, short for “application”, is a small, specialized computer program designed to run on mobile devices.
And it is the rage of the moment. Until something better comes along…

If you don’t believe me, look at what just happened to “WhatsApp” an instant messaging program.
Facebook snapped it up for a mere $19 billion making Ukrainian-born Jan Koum and Internet entrepreneur Brian Acton instant billionaires.

Apps are what’s happening!

Personally (if I could) I would write an app called ShutApp (name suggested by Michael K.).
Installed on a smartphone, it would trigger a shrieking sound when detecting an abnormally loud voice (not a male exclusivity) in a public place.
Upon hearing that sound the loudmouth sitting at a table nearby would probably inquire, what’s that?
You would simply say that your device detected an exceptionally loud sound coming from his/her direction.

Does that noise bother you? you would then sweetly ask
Well, so does your loud voice

What would happen next is open to speculation, but should the loudmouth suddenly become aggressive, you could use another app (that I will write shortly) called “Fartalot”.
When triggered, this app would generate a volley of resounding farts capable of deterring even the most aggressive ruffian.

Mark my words. Apps are the future.

Don’t let your children become politicians or pornstars to make big bucks.

As Marie-Antoinette once said, “if they are hungry, let them write apps”.