Safari

Tamara & Alain

“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”  W. C. Fields 

My domestic partner and I are about to embark on an exciting safari, and ten days before departure time we I am pathetically unprepared.
Make no mistake, a safari is no ordinary vacation. One needs to carefully plan for it and any oversight could be costly.

We need porters, camera bearers, trackers, cooks and translators to communicate with the various tribes that we will encounter. We also have to dress properly. I have set aside a pair of safari trousers, a hat, a bandana and a sarong, an elegantly casual outfit for dinner and of course my special undergarments.
My partner keeps her traveling wardrobe under wraps.

We also have to pack some “meds” such as insect repellent and anti-malaria tablets for some unforeseen circumstances.

No trophy hunting for us by the way. Unlike pathetic small-penis hunters, we are not going there to slaughter any living creature. I will be shooting exclusively natives in their natural habitat. I have plenty of digital ammunition and I will be merciless.
I will give you a chance to watch my “tableau de chasse” upon my return.

So where are we going? you may ask. This is a closely guarded secret known only to a few hundred of our closest friends. The only thing that I can tell you, is that our expedition is going to involve air travel and fluvial navigation.
The Amazon? The Yangtze? We are not talking…

Of course, like Stanley, I will try to keep a journal. Later on, if I am well disposed, I might tell you about our drunken parties or any other debauchery.

Some old friends will meet us in a secret location. They might carry damaging information about some of our presidential candidates, and if they do, they will pass it to me. I will use this as I see fit.

In the meantime, I am still pondering what kind of zapatos to bring along. We are going to an area known for sudden changes in weather and we don’t want to be caught with our pants down.

We hope that the country won’t go to pieces while we are away. Nowadays sexual revelations can explode like IED’s and blow to smithereens the most powerful political machines. If you are planning to run, clean up your radioactive closets my friends.

Adios, arrivederci, ciao, auf wiedersehen, paka, see ya, a la revoyure

Captain Alain

Cult

Lately, a little voice in my head has been inciting me to start a cult.

Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin

I don’t know where it comes from, but it sounds like an interesting idea. Convince people that you know something that they don’t, and mold them into obedient, zombie-like disciples.
Who would not want to do this?

Thinking of it, I would not mind being venerated and have people blindly follow my directives… Some folks even worship POTUS, so it must fairly easy to accomplish.

It is not important by the way, to know anything about what you will preach. You just need to improvise and come up with a few catchy slogans. “Let all that you do be done in Love” is a good one. “Love is My Religion” is another winner.

One of the important problems facing my undertaking is that I don’t know where to start… but this never stopped any determined entrepreneur. So as usual, I checked the internet for advice.

I came across a bunch of cult leaders, and to my surprise, they were not all men. There were plenty of women among them. Live and learn.

According to the web, you have to start small and reel in one follower at a time. Once the subject has been properly conditioned, you send him/her out to proselytize in your favor. “Z is an amazing person. He is a spiritual leader who changed my life completely… you have to meet him.”

There is nothing like word of mouth recommendation. It is much better than advertising. You might not necessarily believe an ad but you will pay more attention to a friend who is vouching for a certain product.
So, let your disciples spread the good word and soon you will have an interested audience.

Nabbing a celebrity would be a plus but you can do without it. You have to subtly mold your followers into complete submission. Once it is done you can ask them anything: money, sexual favors, murder, suicide attacks.
Who would not be tempted by such an experiment? Power is intoxicating… and rewarding.

So don’t be surprised if one of these day somebody contacts you and ask you to join my group. For a few dollars I promise to show you the True Path and enlighten you.

Just one thing though. You will have to address me as Maharishi Alain and defer to me for all matters of importance.

That’s all. I cannot wait to meet you and take advantage of you enlighten you.

Alain

PS: “If a spiritual teacher says something that doesn’t make sense to you, you should always listen to yourself and not the teacher. A little common sense would end all cults.” Frederick Lenz

 

Fantasy world

“Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.” Noel Fielding

Absolument ! I want to live in a fantasy world too. A world mirroring TV commercials. I want to inhabit a planet where everybody is rich well-off, good looking, continually smiling, have a great sense of humor, a happy love life and where the word “no” does not exist.
Is this unrealistic? I don’t think so.

I have been looking for that dangling carrot (the American dream) for years but without too much success. It must exist though, because I see some tantalizing excerpts of this lifestyle every day on television… and telly does not lie… or does it?

These fantasy people must be living in a gated community, accessible only to Free-Masons, Republicans, Born Again Christians, Preachers or Polygamists…
Flaming Nora, I am none of those… I must try to burrow my way in one of those blessed groups…

Real life is dull, boring… and that’s why Average Joe watches so much television. To escape reality and relocate to a fantasy landscape where everything is honky-dory and beer is plentiful.

In that world you can borrow money without any collateral, you fly First-Class, you are never stopped by the Highway Patrol, you meet a bombshell who whispers “I want you”, you always get a swag bag at a party, you find a parking spot anywhere…

I am not the only person dreaming of a fantasy world. Utopists do too. They are waiting for the Rapture that will take them away and bring them to the Promised Land.

But the Promised Land is full. It does not accept any application anymore. This is the latest rumor and it comes from the highest authority.

So, what is one to do? Maybe stop watching the tube and get a job? What a dreadful alternative. A socialist government might help… it probably would have one of these countless programs that assists people unwilling to face reality.

So maybe we should elect a socialist shepherd who would show us the way to that secretive Fantasy World…

In the coming months I am going to watch all the presidential candidates very carefully. If one of those people guaranties in writing to take us to this dreamy world, I will definitely endorse his candidature.

Alain