Dating

Today the world is full of euphemisms.
For instance, “we are dating” is a nuanced way of saying “we are fornicating regularly”. Nothing wrong with that, considering what a minefield and how traumatic dating really is.

Before actually dating, you have got to find a willing guinea pig. Not easy, unless you are genetically blessed, or unless Bill Gates happens to be a close relative.

For most of us, finding a date is more like looking for truffles. Constant digging, with little to show for your efforts. And you never know who you will have to entertain next… Because in the animal world, a male has to entertain a female before having his way with her.

It is part of the contract that was drawn a long time ago between Adam and Eve. Show me a good time said Eve, and I’ll let you look at my bazoombas.
If you have no special talent though, it’s going to be an uphill battle.

And you have to divide dating in two very distinctive categories. There is the “strictly for screwing” dating and the “finding a life partner” category.

Dating often starts on the wrong footing. The guy looking for a little “mano a mano” with the opposite sex, ends up dating a girl looking for the father of her future brood, or vice versa. Not a good match.

The chances of meeting a compatible mate are astronomically small. You would have to be insanely lucky to stumble upon a girl who likes Swedish movies, Tibetan food, Japanese massages, and tantric sex as much as you do. That’s why cyberspace is the smart way to go when it comes to mating.

You first describe yourself (as impartially as possible), present your credentials, and then state what you are looking for.

“Good looking stud, looking for a generously endowed slut, for meaningless sexual afternoon encounters”.

You cannot go wrong with an ad like this. You are being yourself and laying everything on the table without wasting any time finessing the issue of sex.

If on the other hand, your ad reads like “Artistically inclined young man, looking for young Mormon lady who appreciates refined dining, classical music and Italian Renaissance paintings” chances are that you won’t end up with the well-endowed slut.

Actually, I am sure that thousands of well-endowed sluts appreciate refined dining and classical music… But that’s beside the point.

My perception is that “chance” dating has gone the way of the dinosaurs.
You are better off comparing your objectives with your potential date before starting your campaign. If your stated goal (the motel around the corner) doesn’t coincide with those of the woman you are wooing, go back to the Internet and be a little more specific about your intentions.

The well-endowed Mormon lady is out there, looking for you…

Alain

Random thoughts

My brain: it’s my second favorite organ.—  Woody Allen

The brain is an amazing organ. It is a timeless wonder. Unlike mechanical devices, it never stops working, even while you are sleeping. I also read that it remains active ten minutes after you have been pronounced dead… Spoooky!

During the daytime, the brain is busy advising and directing you; but at night, it uses your sleep period as “me-time” and romps wildly like a foal in a meadow. This interval is known as dreaming.

The brain can be passive or active. It is active when you are striving to solve a problem; it is fairly passive when you are looking at something.

Contrarily to common American thinking, sitting at a café is not for gulping a giant cup of coffee or reading a newspaper. The true purpose of this occupation is people watching. People unaware of being observed… in the act of being their true selves.

“This includes speech in action, relationship interactions, body language, expressions, clothing and activities.” 

When people watching, the eyes glimpse, and the brain (according to your personality) passes judgment…

Too skinny… bad outfit… drooping pants… looking unhinged… nice ass… cute dog… how old is this dude? green hair? should not wear yoga pants… jeans with absurd giant tears… good looking dude… big boobs… scary-looking beard… great legs… ugly kid… nice suit… needs bra… must be Republican…

But people watching, just like any discipline, demands practice before being properly executed. The rules are simple but complex at the same time.

First of all, don’t be a boob. Don’t stare.
Scan the surroundings nonchalantly, like a slow pulsing radar. Never gawk, regardless of what you see. A cool people watcher is a good people watcher.
Petting dogs and flirting is allowed… if done with finesse.

So, when life is mistreating you, go to a café, spread your legs and unleash your mind. Let it romp like a puppy and pee on the tulips.

I guarantee that it is 100% more soothing than any over-advertised medication.

Alain

Sonoma Oktober Fest

Mark Shirkey. Great form.

This morning, Sunday, October 13, I was comfortably seated in front of my computer, smoking my pipe and drinking coffee, ready to write about the Sonoma Oktober Fest, when at precisely 9:30 am my phone rang.
It was Gene Mitchell! Que paso? I enquired in fluent Spanish.

Alain, he said, we desperately need you. We are 15 people on the field and we urgently need another person to start the tournament.

But Gene, I told him, I am tired, my feet and my back hurt and I have my cat on my lap…
Please, please he begged… in French and English.

What can a gentleman do, when he hears a damsel in distress?

So, I kicked the cat off my lap, extinguished my pipe and jumped in my car. I was on the field shortly before 10:00 am. The crowd went wild… just like at a Trump rally. Some women even threw their bras at me…

I told the adoring crowd” you owe me”, don’t ever forget it… and I rolled up my sleeves and I went to work. My assigned partner was Charlie Davantes. A reliable man.

To make a long story short, we reached the Concours’ finals and barely lost 9/13 against Bernard Passemar and Noel Marcovecchio.

At one point, we were 9/9 with one of our boule about 9 meters away and 4 inches in front of the cochonnet. The malefactor known as Bernard shot and hit a “carreau”. That did us in.
Needless to say, I won’t ever speak to him again!

As I told you previously, I was all set to write about Sonoma, but I am too pooped to pop. So just enjoy the attached pictures and tell me that you love me.

Hasta la vista amigos!

Alain 

Defenseur de la veuve et de l’orphelin