Au Cochonnet Marin

The cyber world thrives on updates, and as one of the earlier proponent of the Fist Bump, I now endorse its latest version, the Rump Bump.

Due to the flu outbreak, I recently proposed that instead of smooching (and transmitting germs) we bump fists. In my latest 2.0 update, I suggest that in lieu of bumping fists, we bump booties. It is more hygienic (no direct skin contact) and more fun.

In our ever-evolving culture, the “derrière” has become an important symbol of sex appeal and social advancement, and as the saying goes “people who have it like to flaunt it.”

I want women to be liberated and still be able to have a nice ass and shake it. Shirley MacLaine

So doing the Rump Bump will please hygienists and hedonists alike.

Of course, there is a right way and a wrong way to do the bump. Keep in mind that, like a handshake, it needs to be firm and friendly. There is nothing worse than a half-hearted greeting; so you want your bump to be solid and convey the pleasure of meeting a friend again.

Just like an appealing face, an appealing booty reinforces social ties.

“Elle était aussi bien de fesses que de face.” Raymond Queneau
“She looked equally well from the front and from the back.”

Regarding of its shape, you need to have a pleasant derriere to do a friendly Rump Bump. If you are unsure of your “derrière’s” appeal, “Buns of Steel” exercises are available almost everywhere.

Remember, in these highly contagious times, you need to do the right thing. Whenever you meet friends, relatives or lovers, for sake of hygiene do the Rump Bump! Everybody will thank you for that!

Emeritus Professor Alain

– Kate… we need to talk…

This ominous heart to heart conversation usually does not augur well… It is generally the prelude to an imminent breakup. But these few forbidding words did not seem to make a big impression on my roomie. She remained seated, cool and composed.

Since she kept silent, I felt that I had to continue… She stared intensely at me with her big unblinking green eyes.

– Kate my dear let me start by saying that I am very fond of you… we have been together for 4 years and it has been mostly fun. You are clean and neat, I give it to you… you don’t smoke, you don’t drink… you don’t throw wild parties…

Impassive silence.

– You are generally well behaved… you don’t abuse the TV or the phone… you don’t take inordinate lengthy baths…

Pregnant silence.

– But lately, I hate to say it, your behavior has been unreasonable… difficult.

Sullen silence.

– You have been hostile… very hostile, and for no good reasons…

Stony silence.

– As a matter of fact, you have been aggressive, very aggressive… You have bitten me and scratched me repeatedly… without any provocation…

Contemptuous silence.

– You even have drawn blood during a recent encounter, and I still bear the scars… In case you did not know, this is called domestic violence my dear, and this is punishable by law… I could call the cops on you…

Deafening silence.

-This cannot go on… You will have to change your behavior or else… Do you understand what I am saying? Nod your head if you do. Good. I am glad we had this little tête-à-tête…

Deciding that the meeting was over, Kate stood up, turned around and left the room in her usual stealthy manner, her tail held high.

I feel confident that this little chat will help. There is nothing like a frank conversation to clear the air and start everything anew.

Alain

We live in complicated times. Social conventions are rapidly evolving and many people fail to update their code of conduct.

Any IT (Information Technology) guy will tell you that failing to update your software is risky. Similarly, neglecting to keep up with social mores is equally perilous. The latest furor about sexual harassment is a prime example of this conundrum.

Sexual harassment (and there is absolutely no denying that the beast hides there) is happening mainly due to ignorance. Most people are almost totally illiterate about the art of seduction, and it shows.
In this craft, playful verbal talent takes precedence over any physical contact. If you don’t know this, you are bound to commit sexual harassment… and dearly pay for it.

“All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.” Marya Mannes

A playful and friendly exchange of pleasantries is the way to start flirting. No coercion. Napoleon, a noted military strategist once said: “A woman who laughs is a woman conquered.” So make them laugh before proceeding to any further action.

To succeed you need to prepare. Just like cooking or any other skill, the art of seduction ought to be taught in high school. And before seeking sexual gratification you should be able to prove that you graduated from this course. So be prepared to carry proof of certification in your wallet.

Sex as everybody should know, has to be consensual, meaning that both people involved are consenting to it without undue pressure. To avoid future litigation, a consensus ought to be reached.

So before engaging in a sexual congress, there should absolutely be no equivoque! Both partners should read and agree to the terms of a carefully written contract. Then after shaking hands, the damsel could signal her willingness by saying: Go for it, dude!

Every game has rules and there is no exception in the intimacy game. Time out means time out. So, stop before entering the intersection, watch for the green light, listen for audible signals and then proceed with caution.

Uncle Alain