Au Cochonnet Marin

Could I possibly be too likable? My modesty urges me to protest, but according to my grandson I am very endearing… so who am I going to believe? My enemies or a trusted relative? My grandson is extremely perceptive and over a few short years I have come to trust his keen judgment.

I am for the most part just an ordinary guy, so what could make me so irresistible to a 5-year boy?
In my early years I used to be a rather naughty youngster… not especially likable… My propensity to gossip with my friends during school hours earned me more than my fair share of punishment. My teacher, a stern Corsican who would slap me silly, never thought that I was likable.
And yet… It seems that in the eyes of my grandson I have grown to be extremely popular.

So, what then is the secret of my success with the kindergarten set?
My first overwhelming quality (in their eyes), is the fact that I am a softy. I find it almost impossible to say no to their demands. This is a big plus in my favor.

Then, even when I only understand half of his babble, I agree with my grandson. Another big plus. I don’t argue with him. Why start a pointless argument?
The kid is also dazzled by my technical expertise: I can juggle three remote control devices at once… A technique he still yearns to master.

Another one of my likability components is the fact that I can read. I can read various stories and embellish them with my comments at will. I also accept his own remarks without questioning.

The fact that I can count higher than ten, has also contributed to my likability. Anytime I spend more than the colossal amount of $10.00 makes a big impression on him.

The kid also thinks that I am greatly amusing; once in a while, I forget myself and say something in French; a thing that convulses him with laughter. What kind of gibberish is this ?

In short, my grandson almost takes me for a celestial being… and I am not yet ready to contradict him. It feels good to be likable… even temporarily.

My charisma is similar to wine… it has improved with age. My grandson likes me and I like him in return. A little later, when he will become aware of my flaws, I hope that he will still find me likable despite my many shortcomings.
That’s what love is all about.

Alain

In a brazen coup, the mobile phone finally ousted the old home telephone and sent it to pasture. Until the apparition of this pesky upstart, the home phone was the undisputed king of the hill… but no more. The kid now reigns supreme.

Ô rage ! Ô désespoir ! Ô vieillesse ennemie !

The mobile phone is a little technological marvel that allows you to do unimaginable things. But most of the users are unaware of its full potential and utilize only a small percentage of its capabilities. The embarrassing truth is that the smartphone is too smart for many grownups. It is adept at many things and many languages with humans lagging far behind.

A long time ago (before the Pandemic), when somebody said “I will be touch with you,” it meant that this person would eventually call you. But today, they might not necessarily do so; for all kinds of murky reasons many people prefer to leave a message rather than talking mano a mano.

Some people have a preferred mode of communication and it does not always match your own preferences. So, a text sent with Messenger for instance, might not reach somebody who favors Messages.
Atop Mount Olympus, the Gods are laughing at this new Babel situation.

“Although we live in an information technology age, we often find ourselves in failure to communicate situations.” Johnny Tan

 A mobile phone’s usefulness is only limited by its user’s knowledge, and today the kids hold the keys to this domain. Even though some can barely read, at age 5 they have already mastered the intricacy of the magic little box.
No wonder… they cut their teeth on this pacifier in the crib.

If you are an old guy (40+) and if you need any help with your smartphone, ask your grandkids. For the modest fee of a lollypop or two they will set you straight…

But don’t ever (even under duress) give them your passcode! Otherwise, in the near future, you might see an influx of Amazon Lego boxes landing on your doorsteps.

A mobile phone is like a magic wand. You wave it and something amazing happens. But mind the Sorcerer’s Apprentice story! Don’t overestimate your knowledge and don’t venture into uncharted waters.

By the way… Don’t call me… I will send you a texto you the minute  I will get out of the loo.

Alain

Holy chocolate soufflé! I just realized that as a result of our last 6 weeks of confinement, my weight has expanded significantly!

Even though I have not been eating more than usual (or so it seems), I have ballooned like an overfed congressman. And I am pretty sure that I am not the only person awakening to this sorry reality.

Thinking of it though, I am starting to believe that my wife’s sudden enthusiasm for baking might have had something to do with it… I am now convinced that I am just the innocent victim of her culinary (strudel, biscotti, soufflés, lemon pie, etc.) experiments.

But I am bored she said… I need to do something… Well woman, you could milk the cows or saw some wood…

“I didn’t mean to gain weight, it just happened by snackcident.”

I also believe that this phenomenon is part of a vast conspiracy engineered by the likes of Oprah and Marie Osmond. Fat them up, they snickered… we will reap the benefits through our slick advertising. Regardless of the circumstances, weight loss always sells…

Realistically though, I’m not overweight, I’m just six inches too short. Right? But still, I might have to go on a diet… diet, however is a four-letter word and I am strongly averse to vulgarity. So, I will have to think of something else…

If you insist on dieting, a word of caution: chocolate and some other innocent looking offerings make your clothes shrink. Don’t ever say that I did not warn you about this.

Deep inside though, I know what the real cause of my problem is: I have not played pétanque for at least 2 months. My weight gain is a subtle reminder that I absolutely need to get back to it. My mind wants it, my body demands it… what’s holding up the parade?

The governor has got to give us the green light, I guess… He has to release the caged animals, and the minute he does, we will all flock to the field like dung beetles to horse manure. In retrospect, I hold him responsible for my weight gain…

If nothing happens by the end of the month, I will probably join other heavily armed protesters demanding the liberation of all the pétanque fields. Keep in mind that Pétanque (like nail salons) is an essential activity necessary for the wellbeing of the American people.

We will sue if we must (I hope that you are onboard), for the right to peacefully practice our cult .

Alain