Crap… I gained weight!

Holy chocolate soufflé! I just realized that as a result of our last 6 weeks of confinement, my weight has expanded significantly!

Even though I have not been eating more than usual (or so it seems), I have ballooned like an overfed congressman. And I am pretty sure that I am not the only person awakening to this sorry reality.

Thinking of it though, I am starting to believe that my wife’s sudden enthusiasm for baking might have had something to do with it… I am now convinced that I am just the innocent victim of her culinary (strudel, biscotti, soufflés, lemon pie, etc.) experiments.

But I am bored she said… I need to do something… Well woman, you could milk the cows or saw some wood…

“I didn’t mean to gain weight, it just happened by snackcident.”

I also believe that this phenomenon is part of a vast conspiracy engineered by the likes of Oprah and Marie Osmond. Fat them up, they snickered… we will reap the benefits through our slick advertising. Regardless of the circumstances, weight loss always sells…

Realistically though, I’m not overweight, I’m just six inches too short. Right? But still, I might have to go on a diet… diet, however is a four-letter word and I am strongly averse to vulgarity. So, I will have to think of something else…

If you insist on dieting, a word of caution: chocolate and some other innocent looking offerings make your clothes shrink. Don’t ever say that I did not warn you about this.

Deep inside though, I know what the real cause of my problem is: I have not played pétanque for at least 2 months. My weight gain is a subtle reminder that I absolutely need to get back to it. My mind wants it, my body demands it… what’s holding up the parade?

The governor has got to give us the green light, I guess… He has to release the caged animals, and the minute he does, we will all flock to the field like dung beetles to horse manure. In retrospect, I hold him responsible for my weight gain…

If nothing happens by the end of the month, I will probably join other heavily armed protesters demanding the liberation of all the pétanque fields. Keep in mind that Pétanque (like nail salons) is an essential activity necessary for the wellbeing of the American people.

We will sue if we must (I hope that you are onboard), for the right to peacefully practice our cult .


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