Old fart

Statler & Waldorf

At what age are you officially recognized as an “old fart” (vieux con) by the state? And when can you claim benefits?

I have been pondering this question for a while.
I am asking because even though these people can be found everywhere, this morning, in particular, I was involved in a traumatic incident. While shopping in a supermarket I was mobbed by a swarm of slow-moving old geezers.

First of all, I want to clarify something. After doing some research, I came to the conclusion that almost anybody can be an old fart.
I first thought that this had something to do with age, but I was mistaken. You can be an old fart at 22, 34 or 47. You can even be a teenager old fart.
Surprised? Those are the facts.

An old fart is somebody who was born old and will stick to old-fashioned views his entire life. Don’t laugh; I have known quite a few of those peculiar individuals.
The first time I met one was in the Army. I remember it because his first name was also Alain and we were about the same age (around 22). At 22 Alain #2 was already married, had a child and went religiously through the same routine each time he got a chance.

After coming back from a field operation, he would remove his boots, put on his slippers, light his pipe, fix himself a cup of coffee (on his personal stove) and start penning a letter to his wife. Most of the guys were just happy to remove their boots and crash on their bunk, but not Pépère. His routine was etched in his young brain and he could not deviate from this practice.
So as you can see, anybody can be an old fart.

On the other hand, I know of vigorous octogenarians who are not old farts and probably never will be. They are Young Turks, ready to accept changes and tackle any job.

Personally, I have often been solicited to join the OFA (Old Farts of America), but I have steadfastly declined. Suffice to say that their rituals clash with my religious beliefs.

Being an old fart is a state of mind. If you embrace changes you will never be one. Otherwise, you will continue “ad eternum” using VCRs, flip phones, writing checks in stores, and driving at walking speed.

Joining OFA is entirely optional! Don’t be a stick in the mud.



“Just let them sit in the goddam sun. But the world won’t let them because there’s nothing more dangerous than letting old farts sit in the sun. They might be thinking. Same thing with kids. Keep ’em busy or they might start thinking.”  Frank McCourt

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