Paris sous la neige

Il y a encore quelques irréductibles qui disent ne pas croire au réchauffement climatique. Bourrage de crânes, propagande, rumeurs d’écolos disent-ils.

Et bien Mère Nature se manifeste maintenant de plus en plus fréquemment pour leur prouver qu’il n’est pas bon de plaisanter avec une forte femme.

Comme l’attestent les changements climatiques de différentes parties du globe, notre Bonne Mère semble être en pleine ménopause et son humeur s’en ressent.
Bouffées de chaleur, sueurs nocturnes, pertes de mémoire, changements d’humeur fréquents, tempêtes, ouragans,  tornades, inondations… Mère Nature n’est pas dans son assiette et il serait bon de ne pas l’ignorer.
Elle est irritable et ressent le manque de respect de ses enfants.

Il faut que ça change dit-elle, ou vous aurez affaire a moi.
Tout ce que vous avez vu maintenant n’est qu’un avant-coureur de ce que je vous réserve si vous ne changez pas vos façons de parvenus.
Ceux qui ont connu des femmes traversant la ménopause vous diront qu’il serait prudent de suivre ses admonitions.

john-schults

Quand j’étais petit, la neige à Paris était une chose peu ordinaire.
Quand nous étions en classe et qu’il commençait a neiger, la rumeur se répandait comme une trainée de poudre : il neige, il neige…
L’excitation était à son comble et l’instituteur avait beaucoup de peine à maintenir un semblant d’ordre dans sa classe. Les petits chenapans que nous étions n’avions plus qu’une seule idée en tête : se ruer dans la cour et s’entretuer a coups de boules de neige.

Aujourd’hui il neige de plus en plus à Paris (comme dans presque toute l’Europe) et cela devrait faire réfléchir les sceptiques.
Même les chinois (ces barbares écologiques) commencent à s’inquiéter.
Ils commencent a prendre des mesures contre les récalcitrants et si ceux-ci n’obéissent pas, ils seront probablement traités comme on traite les criminels au Pays du Sourire: une balle dans la tête et la question sera réglée.

La neige c’est beau, mais uniquement dans les montagnes. Dans les milieux urbains et à la campagne, c’est le grand cirque, la grande panique, la Berezina !

Ecologistes de tous les pays, unissez-vous et faites retrouver le sourire à Mère Nature.

Alain

 

Attack of the killer boobs

You can never be too careful.
America is by excellence a weapons’ paradise and it is eagerly vying for the world’s record of yearly homicides.
According to the FBI, in 2008 14,180 people were murdered in America. The size of a small town. In 2012, I am pretty sure that this number was significantly higher.

The Land of the Free is awash in weapons and it is rather easy for evildoers to dispatch somebody expeditiously.
The problem facing criminals though is that the murder weapon can be found and traced back to them. Well, there is a way around this.

In the past, people have been killed with a great variety of weapons: firearms, swords, arrows, poisoned darts, etc. but a Washington woman has so far perpetrated the most innovative homicide.
She used her giant breasts to suffocate and kill her boyfriend.

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This is a devilishly clever Modus Operandi.
Her DNA might show on the victim’s face, but so what?
Just a sex game gone bad, and there are no laws against it.

So, philanderers beware. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and murder by breasts might be a novel way of beating the system.
That big-chested woman sitting at the end of the bar might not be as innocent as she looks. Unbeknownst to you, she might be a trained assassin commissioned by your ex to do away with you; she is carrying a concealed weapon and doesn’t need a gun permit.

Read in the London Daily Mail:

In November, German lawyer Tim Schmidt claimed his girlfriend tried to smother him with her 38DD breasts. Schmidt said she pretended it was a sex game, the Daily Mail reported. “I asked her why she wanted to smother me to death with her breasts and she told me: “Treasure – I wanted your death to be as pleasurable as possible” he said.

So my fellow Americans, before tangling with giant mammaries, be aware of the inherent risks of a loaded weapon.
An alluring cleavage might be fascinating, but could also be fraught with hidden perils.

Alain

 

 

Handshakes

When I was a kid, every morning upon entering the schoolyard I shook hands with all my friends.
We also pressed the flesh in the evening, when saying goodbye.
This is an immemorial European ritual that I still miss in informal America.
In the US, after the initial squeeze, don’t expect any more skin games from anybody.
Hi, how are you doing?
This is all you are going to get from now on. A pity.

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A handshake generally gives you an idea of the nature of the person you are meeting. The handshake can be pleasant or awkward.
To be frank, I will immediately like or dislike a person based on their handshake. It’s as simple as that.

I like a firm, palm-to-palm squeeze. Not too firm, not too soft… Just in between. I don’t want to feel intimidated by a steely grip… nor do I want to experience the awkwardness of a limp shake.
I want to feel, when shaking hand with somebody, that we are establishing a feeling of mutual trust. This is a person I can do business with…
A handshake therefore will generate positive energy or a feeling of uneasiness.

I highly dislike the handshake that briefly imprisons the tip of your fingers and releases them before you can squeeze back. The message here is clear: on my terms only. We will play this game by my rules. Period.
As far as I am concerned, I cannot play any game by unilateral rules. I need to be consulted first.

There is also the “keep at bay” handshake, mainly practiced by women meeting men.
The woman fully extends her arm to prevent the man from coming too near. That’s close enough bucko! This is a strictly a business meeting.
Besides, I want you to know right away that I will wash my hair tonight.

There is the “so sorry to see you go” handshake. Your interlocutor refuses to relinquish your digits. Always annoying and embarrassing… what is he (or she) thinking?

There is the “pumping handshake”. The man (generally it’s a man) shakes and pumps your hand for a few minutes. Here is a man who is not reading you properly and hopes to compensate the weakness of his arguments by a forceful physical demonstration.
Shake, shake. Pump, pump. Shake, shake.
Let go my hand you fool!

The initial handshake is important because it will determine how the rest of the ensuing meeting or relationship will go.
Depending on your squeezing skills, the evening will end with a bang or a whimper.

So, when shaking hands with somebody for the first time, keep in mind that this is a make or break deal and don’t mess it up.

Alain