Au Cochonnet Marin

For a kid, age 3 is the age of Columbus, the age of discovery. And just like in Christopher Columbus’ time, when you are 3 there is a world to discover… and conquer.

Kids assimilate very early in a process called causality: the relationship between a cause and its effect. They grasp very quickly that when you push a button something exciting will happen. There will be light or sound, images, noise… it will be stimulating and entertaining.

For kids, buttons rule the world and when transplanted in a new environment, their most pressing task is to find those magic knobs.

Last weekend the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria sailed into San Francisco Bay and shortly after our grandson (the Pushbutton Kid) strode in our abode. He is sweet looking but as willful as Captain Henry Morgan.

He is like quicksilver: he moves rapidly, and it is difficult to hold or contain him. It is almost impossible to control his every move 24 hours a day. He is only quiet when engaged in a questionable endeavor or taking a nap.

You might not realize it, but a modern home is brimming with buttons. They are everywhere. On walls, on objects, on remote controls… there are buttons on toasters, coffee makers, mixers, surge protectors, electric fans, phones, thermostats, printers, routers… and all of them have to be tested at least once.

The effects of his actions might not be immediately felt, but later on, you wonder why a few devices that were working perfectly well in the morning, suddenly refuse to function in the afternoon… all at the same time. Any Criminal Investigative Unit would find the kid’s DNAs all over the place.

The key to distracting him from unsanctioned behavior is to show him something even more exciting than launching ICBM’s. And this activity turned out to be a kite-flying session.

We went to an open field looking for an ascending current of air. After a few attempts, the wind caught the kite’s sail and sent it aloft. As the kite’s tail fluttered wildly, the pushbutton kid couldn’t contain his excitement and jumped up and down like a fired up young goat.

Kids can be a handful, but they are so endearing that it is almost impossible not to love them.

“Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.” ~Jerry Seinfeld

The key to getting along with them is to engage them and find as quickly as possible where the missing blender top is located.

Alain

We got underway at the crack of dawn… A tardy dawn actually, due to a late sleeping oversight.

According to HQ, our mission was to infiltrate San Francisco and gather as much info as possible. The emphasis was to be on tall buildings and infrastructure.

At this time of the year, the city is packed with tourists and we decided to dress accordingly to better blend in. We also left all compromising documents (if caught, only name, rank and serial number) behind, and casually boarded the Larkspur ferry at 9:30 am.

We originally planned to enter the city by kayak under the cover of darkness but one of our team members nixed the idea. He said that he could not do this because he was terrified of sharks and that he had heard that many Great Whites were lurking in the Bay.
Due to our rigorous training, it looked a little bit implausible but it was too late to find another teammate.

Aboard the USS Sonoma, we mingled and blended flawlessly with the day-trippers; we absolutely didn’t arise any undue suspicion. The third member of our team, while being relatively young, was of great help. John (not his real name) is a real looker and goes by the name of “Gueule d’ange” (Babyface). He is not very loquacious, but he looks like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. He will win over anybody with a smile.

We landed in San Francisco around 10:30 am and went to work at once. Smartphones and cameras started clicking instantly. If you move away from a beautiful city (or a pretty girl), you forget how truly attractive it is and fall back under the spell the minute you come back.

On this sunny day, the city of Saint Francis looked gorgeous and women all over were on parade. Many wore shorts, tight jeans and yoga pants (the prevalent trend) for the benefit of appreciative onlookers. In contrast, a lonely figure wearing a black Burka (head to toes) stood out for its incongruity. I am pretty sure that her “guardian” was too busy ogling the girls to pay any attention to his charge.

Our team closely inspected (and photographed) the Hyatt Regency. We rode the elevator to the top and took many pictures. This ought to satisfy the shadowy figures of our organization.

Around noon we stopped at a sidewalk café for lunch. Prices were overinflated but it was expected. Touring is like courting a swanky girl: you know that it is going to cost you.

At 12:30 pm we slipped back in a ferry going back to Larkspur. The ride was short; thirty minutes instead of sixty minutes for our initial ride. Mission accomplished, without any casualty!

It is not without reason that we (like many elite teams) are known as “les travailleurs de l’ombre”.

Epilog

HQ will be happy. Our mission went flawlessly and we brought back a lot of pictures. I wouldn’t be surprised to be handsomely rewarded for this dangerous mission.

Alain

PS: By special derogation, I have been authorized to show you some of the pictures.

It is time to vote again. On Tuesday June 5, 2018, Californians are expected to go to their polling place and cast their ballot. This process is grandly called “democracy in action.”

In a democratic society, everybody has the right to vote. This entitlement sounds good in principle, but it is deeply flawed and I disagree with it.

In order to vote you should have to prove that you are literate and knowledgeable about the candidates and the issues. Just like you have to prove that you understand the basic road rules before being authorized to drive.
If you cannot answer a dozen basic questions about the candidates or the issues, you should be ineligible to vote. In the same way as driving, voting should not be a right but a privilege.

Unfortunately, few people are familiar with the candidates and the issues. They will pick somebody based on a slick TV commercial or based on their union’s endorsement.

Not many people take the time (it is tedious) to compare the different candidates before casting their ballot. And the legislators are not keen to help. They prefer to keep everything vague and most of the people in the dark. Good government needs some mystery, they are fond to say.

Ironically, many people will check Consumer Reports before buying a lawn mower, but few will bother to scrutinize the facts before voting for a person who will deeply affect their lives.

“You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.” – Abraham Lincoln 

No no Abe, you are wrong, old man. You can fool most of the people all the time. And it was proved very recently.

Some voters might know who is running for Governor, Senator, and House of Representatives but that’s about all.

What about candidates running for Lieutenant Governor, Secretary of State, Controller, Attorney General, Insurance Commissioner? We seldom hear about these job applicants and most of the people have no idea what they stand for and if they are qualified for the job.

I vote for the people who share the same ideals. This year, my rule Number One is that any candidate seeking my approval has to be actively campaigning in favor of gun control. In view of the almost daily shootings occurring in America, Amendment Number Two must be amended again.

Contrarily to what the NRA is saying, this amendment is not carved in the Tables of the Law and God did not speak it.

In a word: vote

Go to the polls, and for the sake of your loved ones, cast your ballot for the righteous candidates.

Alain