Au Cochonnet Marin

Nobody acknowledges it, but there is a phone pandemic!
Everybody is frightened or at least irritated by the Coronavirus continued mess, so I won’t talk about it today.

Yet while the public is perturbed, life goes on… and it is tyrannized by the ubiquitous cell phone. The need to be kept informed is greater than ever and people literally sleep with their phones. They carry it everywhere and will be greatly alarmed if they misplace it. What’s more, they will interrupt any activity (including lovemaking) to answer a call.

The phone has become more prevalent than any of the religious amulets so dear to our grandparents. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if (for reassurance) people were offered to choose between a cross necklace and a cell phone, they would unequivocally choose the phone to hang around their necks.

But people kids don’t make “simple” phone calls anymore. They want them to be more “personalized”… Voice is not enough; they want to see you, feast on your charms… so they take advantage of apps like FaceTime or WhatsApp. Fine and dandy, but this procedure can catch you off-guard.

A few days ago (while in the loo) I received an important WhatsApp call. Yes, as an international correspondent I carry my phone everywhere.
I was caught between Scylla and Charybdis. I could avoid answering… but it was an important matter. I could delay my bowel movements, but it was also of great consequence…

In today’s society, you need to be multitasking. As everybody knows, this is a prerequisite in any hiring interview. So, like a former girlfriend who was equally adept at humping while talking on the phone, I accepted the call.

While sitting on the toilet seat, face to face with my interlocutor, I just had to grin and bear. I was probably in the same situation as a couple interrupted while doing the nasty.

Unavoidably, we started to talk about the damn virus. Yes, the situation is dire, here and everywhere. Some people are scared out of their wits while some others are partying like there was no tomorrow… bla bla bla…

I didn’t want to sound rude, but I was anxious to end this powwow. I tried to take evasive action a few times, but to no avail. My predicament reminded me of the Battle of Britain movie where Spitfires and Messerschmitts were trying to shake each other off their tails.

After a few tense minutes, the call mercifully ended and I could resume my original activity. But in retrospect, I think that Apple could come up with a simple addition to its already complicated software.

When summoned by your phone, you could honorably escape an unwanted situation by pressing an icon labeled OTL (On The Loo). Something similar to 911… Your correspondent would understand and have the decency to reschedule his call.

Just a suggestion… Keep clean you all!

Alain

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The invasion is underway. I don’t know if you are aware of it, but we have been overrun. In a new type of blitzkrieg, silent columns of enemy convoys have been pouring over our borders with virtually no resistance.

Our vaunted Maginot Line has been as effective as its French parents. The attack has been sneaky but effective and the distraught population is grasping for answers.

In the case of a national crisis, citizens usually turn to their leaders for guidance and reassurance, but our king has been far from comforting. We have “beautiful tests” he said, but we don’t know where they are and how many we have. Just a few as I understand it.

According to the 2018 census, we have a population of about 325 million in the United States and we have tested less than 5000 people for the Coronavirus. In comparison, South Korea with about 50 million, has tested more than 100,000 people. Is it me or is there something seriously wrong with our Healthcare System? It is no time to panic (yet), but we have to acknowledge our weakness and do something about it. Fast. Very fast.

When I came to the United States, I noticed that the people were very loud, much louder than in Europe. I thought about it and I came to the conclusion (?) that the Europeans were much quieter than the Americans because they all had been occupied during World War Two.

When you are under the enemy’s thumb, you remain quiet and discreet. You don’t want to attract any undue attention and you whisper instead of talking normally. You don’t know who is sitting at the next table and what they will do if they hear your conversation. You are suspicious of everybody and everything.

Today, we are creeping in this direction. If anybody around you coughs or sneezes (especially if they look Asian), you don’t stick around. You even become wary of your pets… not me, I haste to say.

If we don’t develop an effective vaccine quickly enough, we will morph in such people. We will keep away from one another and whisper… plotting violent retribution.

I would feel much better, if the man in charge appeared on television with rolled-up sleeves, speaking from the heart instead of reading a script. This would reassure me (and all of us) much more than deferring a difficult job to a political toady,

I love you, but don’t try to sneak up and plant a big one on me.

Alain

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Before I start my little briefing, I would like to recognize Mike O’Leary, Mark Shirkey, Sandra Shirkey, and Abby Danielson.

According to my intelligence people, these individuals worked tirelessly to groom our field, particularly Mark and Sandra who were here last Thursday and Saturday. Please give these people a big, very big, round of applause.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I peeked outside and the first thing I noticed was a white blanket of frost covering the surrounding roofs.
My cat who is a weather authority declined to go outside to do whatever she does every morning. This was telling. I then wondered, that due to the weather conditions and the fear of virus contamination, how many people would show up on our courts.

But Pétanquistas are a hearty breed. I was happily surprised to find out that, braving frost and virus threats, they came. Over 40 of them. Without counting those poor souls who could not find partners.

The temperature on the field that morning was hovering around 40 °F and never rose above 60. It was cold, especially in the early morning and late afternoon, and the minute they were done, most of the people hurriedly left the field. I personally was wearing five layers of clothing and managed fairly well.

Due to various reasons, I abstained to play in this tournament, and concentrate instead on recording this event on film. They say that “idle hands are the devil’s workshop” and since I didn’t have anything else to do, I shot hundreds of pictures. I recorded around 900 shots to be precise.

It took me a tremendous amount of time to correct and whittle this down to a reasonable quantity and that’s why I am late in publishing this report. But you won’t be disappointed. A picture is worth a thousand words and instead of telling you what happened, I will let the images tell the story.

Interestingly enough, none of the favorites came on top. I was very surprised to notice that Peter Mathis’ team after annihilating everybody in the morning was promptly eliminated in the afternoon. Same for Manu, Maggie and Erin. On the other hand, Bleys, George and Teri showed a dogged determination and it paid off.

You will probably also notice that since the threat of contamination is real, most of the people opted to greet their friends with the elbow bump. Some though, could not help themselves and continued to smooch.

Bug enough with small talk.

Concours:
1st Place: C. Couto, Brigitte Moran, Ken Lee                   $50.00 each
2^nd Place: G. Bedrossian, Teri Sirico, Bleys Rose           $42.00 each
3^rd Place: Ed Couto, Liza Moran, Louis Toulon               $33.00 each

Consolante:
1st Place: Kevin Evoy, Patrick Vaslet, H. Sammons         $25.00 each
2^nd Place: Eddy Pay, Beth Lysten, Trish                                $16.00 each

I hope that you will enjoy my pictures and let me know about it. It will do my heart good.

Alain

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