Category: Fourre-tout

Just like the coffee shop around the corner, the country is closed. Signs everywhere are confirming it. Apart from a few runners and dog walkers, the streets are devoid of traffic and eerily empty.

Unexpectedly faced with an invisible enemy, frightened villagers have been told to pause any activity and stay home. After hoarding food (and condoms I heard) they retreated to their strongholds and raised their drawbridges. Atop of their ramparts, they are anxiously scrutinizing the horizon waiting for help or signs of the invading army.

But unlike previous invaders, this new enemy is stealthy and unusually deadly. It will kill indiscriminately any person standing in its way. Venturing out without protective gear has become extremely dangerous, and unfortunately, chainmail suits are scarce.

Just like Good Old Uncle Joe in 1940, our commander in chief has been caught flatfooted and struggling for answers. And like Joseph Stalin then, he is desperately seeking help from anybody willing to help.

The only effective way to fight this new foe is to find its Achilles heel and aim for it. This is the Holy Grail and white-coated scientists around the world are feverishly working on this project.

In the meantime, families are sequestering themselves and this could quickly become problematic. Humans and animals alike don’t like to be confined, and the longer this crisis lasts, the more volatile this situation will become.

Husbands, wives, and kids are nice, but like sweets, they are to be enjoyed in small doses. Overexposure to them might result in regrettable incidents. The boob tube will be helpful but won’t be completely effective against this dire situation.

Parents will have to be extremely creative to weather this storm and come out of it alive… or in speaking terms. I suspect that shrinks and lawyers will be extremely busy after all of this is over.

Ménages a trois, on the other hand, might fare much better. It is widely known that two is company, but three is a party.

To sum it up

Ultimately this saga is going to be astronomically costly and our next president will have a lot on his plate. Hopefully, we will inherit a responsible adult who will put country first instead of his personal interest.

The country is closed. Come back later.

Alain

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“The chief excitement in a woman’s life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.” Helen Rowland

“I have never abused alcohol; it was always a consensual relationship.”

“Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.”

“Archimedes was the first to prove that when a body is immersed in a bathtub, the telephone rings.”

“Life is a deadly sexually transmitted disease.” Woody Allen

“I am not afraid of terrorism: I was married for two years!” – Sam Kinison

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” Mark Twain

 “There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” Henry A. Kissinger

 “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” Isaac Asimov

 “Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.” Sam Levenson

 “Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.”

“A small sketch says more than a big speech, but much less than a big check.”

“If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.” Jay Leno

“When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President, I’m beginning to believe it.” Clarence Darrow

“A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.” Lisa Kleypas

 “Coffee is like women; at first it excites, after that it makes you nervous.”

 

Nobody acknowledges it, but there is a phone pandemic!
Everybody is frightened or at least irritated by the Coronavirus continued mess, so I won’t talk about it today.

Yet while the public is perturbed, life goes on… and it is tyrannized by the ubiquitous cell phone. The need to be kept informed is greater than ever and people literally sleep with their phones. They carry it everywhere and will be greatly alarmed if they misplace it. What’s more, they will interrupt any activity (including lovemaking) to answer a call.

The phone has become more prevalent than any of the religious amulets so dear to our grandparents. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if (for reassurance) people were offered to choose between a cross necklace and a cell phone, they would unequivocally choose the phone to hang around their necks.

But people kids don’t make “simple” phone calls anymore. They want them to be more “personalized”… Voice is not enough; they want to see you, feast on your charms… so they take advantage of apps like FaceTime or WhatsApp. Fine and dandy, but this procedure can catch you off-guard.

A few days ago (while in the loo) I received an important WhatsApp call. Yes, as an international correspondent I carry my phone everywhere.
I was caught between Scylla and Charybdis. I could avoid answering… but it was an important matter. I could delay my bowel movements, but it was also of great consequence…

In today’s society, you need to be multitasking. As everybody knows, this is a prerequisite in any hiring interview. So, like a former girlfriend who was equally adept at humping while talking on the phone, I accepted the call.

While sitting on the toilet seat, face to face with my interlocutor, I just had to grin and bear. I was probably in the same situation as a couple interrupted while doing the nasty.

Unavoidably, we started to talk about the damn virus. Yes, the situation is dire, here and everywhere. Some people are scared out of their wits while some others are partying like there was no tomorrow… bla bla bla…

I didn’t want to sound rude, but I was anxious to end this powwow. I tried to take evasive action a few times, but to no avail. My predicament reminded me of the Battle of Britain movie where Spitfires and Messerschmitts were trying to shake each other off their tails.

After a few tense minutes, the call mercifully ended and I could resume my original activity. But in retrospect, I think that Apple could come up with a simple addition to its already complicated software.

When summoned by your phone, you could honorably escape an unwanted situation by pressing an icon labeled OTL (On The Loo). Something similar to 911… Your correspondent would understand and have the decency to reschedule his call.

Just a suggestion… Keep clean you all!

Alain

Please subscribe to my blog! It is free and your information will never be shared with anyone. No pesky password is required and Unsubscribing is only one click away. Thank you.