The Crump mutiny

After months at sea, USS Conqueror is finally coming close to the end of its four-year odyssey.

It has been a long, tumultuous journey punctuated by some vexing incidents. Captain Crump, a volatile commander, demands blind obedience from his crew and when upset he is quick to anger. Many of his officers, after being initially praised, were quickly dismissed.  Some judiciously kept a log to document the captain’s erratic behavior, and it is very likely that many telling books will be soon forthcoming.

Captain Crump was always regarded with suspicion by the sea-faring establishment and there had been many attempts to derail him. But the man is cunning, and he has surrounded himself by a Praetorian Guard willing to go to extremes to shield him.

As customary, there will be an evaluation of his performance; it will determine if Captain Crump should keep his job or be replaced by a more competent commander. Despite his bullish attitude, the man is clearly worried and seems to be grabbing at straws. In a time of stress, he is often seen maniacally rolling two golf balls between his fingers.

A self-proclaimed law-and-order man, he has made many attempts to befriend authoritarian skippers, but he has been regularly rebuffed or played for a fool by more seasoned autocrats. Many have laughed at him behind his back.

His misogynistic and racial insensitivity does not help. But he is determined to prevail and does not hesitate to make outrageous statements to buttress his case.

“Look at the way I have been treated lately, especially by the media. No captain in history—and I say this with great surety—has been treated worse or more unfairly.”

 To captain Crump, the end justifies the means. The truth is elastic and there are many “alternative facts” to contemplate before passing judgment. He seems to have a short memory and often denies previous recorded public statements.

Americans are generally fond of grandstanding. There is an unfounded rumor, that even if he is demoted, he might barricade himself in his ship’s CIC (combat information center) and refuse to leave.

If this happens, a thousand cameras will be there to memorialize this event. This will probably please a man known for his egocentrism and his fondness of the limelight.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion. Things will go on as they always have, getting weirder all the time.   Robert Anton Wilson


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