“The chief excitement in a woman’s life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.” Helen Rowland
“I have never abused alcohol; it was always a consensual relationship.”
“Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.”
“Archimedes was the first to prove that when a body is immersed in a bathtub, the telephone rings.”
“Life is a deadly sexually transmitted disease.” Woody Allen
“I am not afraid of terrorism: I was married for two years!” – Sam Kinison
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” Mark Twain
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” Henry A. Kissinger
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” Isaac Asimov
“Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.” Sam Levenson
“Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.”
“A small sketch says more than a big speech, but much less than a big check.”
“If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.” Jay Leno
“When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President, I’m beginning to believe it.” Clarence Darrow
“A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.” Lisa Kleypas
“Coffee is like women; at first it excites, after that it makes you nervous.”