Don’t mess with Santa

Santa was worried. The big guy tried to project a jolly composure but he was clearly perturbed.

His wife kept nagging him about losing weight… and getting a more up to date outfit.
What’s wrong with this one he had asked. It is comfortable, colorful and everybody likes it…
Not everybody mon petit chou, said Mrs. Claus. In America, some “patriots” are complaining that your red suit is promoting communism… and anti-guns laws.

Ah, come on… These guys are off their rockers Liebchen… I don’t even know if I should bother to stop at the Bunker this year. First of all, the reindeers are complaining about a foul smell over Washington, and I am not sure that any of the White House fauna deserve any present…
This impeachment business is very bad publicity and it cannot look like Santa is rewarding mythomaniacs… This would hurt my good-guy image. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are watching me and I must behave with extreme caution.

Besides the White House’s sorry business, Amazon is giving me unfair competition. This “Prime” business is greatly hurting my own operation. Daily delivery against yearly delivery, and presents for anybody who asks? regardless of criminal record? It is immoral and despicable.

Then the elves are talking about unionizing… After all that I have done for them! Talking about ingratitude… I will show them who is boss.

And the reindeers have started to behave strangely. Especially Dasher. He has hinted that his gang wants better food, shorter hours and a better guidance system. The nerves of these guys… Who do they think they are? French rail workers? I won’t be intimidated by animals!

To top it all, Santa had been preoccupied with some disturbing rumors of groping and sexual harassment. His wife had told him a few times that he had to stop his lap sitting routine, but he could not resolve to do it.

Without this shtick, I would not be the Jolly Good Guy, he had said. I must continue old traditions otherwise it will be lost forever.

But RAINN and EROC were not mollified. Their respective lawyers sent intimidating letters to Santa Inc. Cease and desist they had said… or else!

Damn women! They are getting too far. Suing Santa for hearsay? I will countersue! I will hire the Devil himself, or if he is too busy, Giuliani… he is good at this sort of thing…

I will do my rounds, but I must think of a killer algorithm to streamline my operation. Mister Bezos wants a fight? I will give him a good one.

Let it be known that nobody messes with Santa, not the Prez or the king of Amazon.

Alain