Bro No

Bro No

Le Père Noel was worried. Despite reassuring press releases, all was not well at the North Pole.

Christmas was fast approaching and the toy production was hopelessly behind schedule. Le Père Noel’ workshop was in great turmoil with elves complaining about long working hours and inadequate benefits. They bitched regarding an outdated computer system and balked at taking care of the reindeers. They smell, and it is not part of our job description ventured their ring leader.

They also refused to be called “helpers” anymore.  We are full-time partners they said and we want profit sharing! Then there were allegations of sexual misconduct in the group… I have been groped repeatedly groused an “elfette” and management did not do anything about it. I am a victim and want compensations.
And to top it all, the rascals wanted to unionize!

On the domestic front, his second (young) wife kept nagging and telling him that his franchise was in danger. You must go with the flow and present the image of a young, robust, modern CEO, not a frumpy old man she said.

Shave your beard and dye your hair. And instead of these stupid red pants, wear ripped jeans. It will make you look cool and more appealing to the young TV audience. Get rid of those glasses and use colored prescriptions lenses instead. Lose your red hat and wear a beret… It is more Continental…

The name “Père Noel” is also passé. You need to be hip to stay relevant. From now on, you should call yourself Bro No.  Bro sounds cool. In Hollywood (and the Vatican) all the cool people are bros…
Your ratings will go up, believe me.
Le Père Noel sighed …

The reindeers, particularly troublemaker Prancer, also made some rumbling noises. They complained about dangerous working conditions. They grumbled about an outdated guidance system and loose satellites. One of these days, something bad is going to happen they said. We absolutely need anti-collision devices… or else!

To make matters worse, le Père Noel also suspected that his database had been hacked. More “nice” children had been added to his list and a lot of “naughty” brats removed. Who could have done this? The Russians? The Democrats? The LGBTQ?

His wife also warned him about the Chinese. In great secrecy, they were about to launch a socialist version of Pere Noel to compete with Bro No.
Unthinkable. You cannot have two Pères Noel; it would be like having two popes..

Bro No suddenly felt old and despondent. Life is getting too complicated he thought. And why should I suffer every year such terrible jetlag for mostly ungrateful people?

And on the spot, he made up his mind. He rang Jeff Bezos on his private line and asked him to take over his operation. Jeff old friend, I am tired and too old to climb down chimneys anymore… Do me a favor… Take over my job. You are already half there and you seem to be more efficient I do.

And that’s why my friends, Amazon instead of Bro No is now delivering your Christmas gifts to your front door. The big guy’s wife is in a tizzy but he promised her a new fully loaded Tesla and she (temporarily) cooled off.

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” Joan Rivers

Joyeux Noel to all !

Alain ?

2 thoughts on “Bro No”

  1. Haha!, Alain, THANK YOU… (And in a way, your piece explains why I have stayed faithful to an entity I can count on far beyond all others..)

    Joyeux Noel!

    –Nancy

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