Are you an accomplished Thumbnick? I am not.
Despite my best efforts I am still a pathetic plodder when I try to emulate generation X.
I think that my thumbs are too big.
I have tried to reduce their size by going on a diet, but as you well know, it is more easily said than done.
I have well-shaped extremities which I daresay brought me many compliments, but lately I have been forced to recognize that I have a problem.
My thumbs are enormous and they get in the way.
I came to the realization of this shameful handicap after watching young people texting, sexting and generally orgasming while fingering their smartphone.
When communicating with their peers, they use their thumbs at a death defying speed that leaves me envious and wanting.
When I try to match their feat, my humongous digits stomp on two keys at the same time and I struggle to complete my task.
For my defense, I will say that these whippersnappers started practicing thumbing much before I did.
To give them a leg up on competition, their parents gave them a smartphone while still in their cribs.
Never mind sucking on your thumb they said; you need to focus on something that will prepare you for the hardships of life. The smartphone tiny keyboard proved ideal for toddlers.
By age four, some were already virtuosi and even gave recitals for their parents jealous friends.
Me, I am still struggling, and I might give up my dream of becoming a real Thumbnick.
Since I am unable to do text messaging, I am reduced to using the crude, antiquated technology known as telephony.
But what can I do? A thumb reduction? Too risky.
I will have to learn to live with it.
To mask my grotesque affliction, I have taken to wearing mittens.
If you see me donning those don’t be afraid. I am not covering an ugly skin disease.
I am simply trying to make you feel at ease by hiding the object of my melancholy.
You still can shake my hand. Just don’t mention the size of my thumbs.