The phone whisperer

A few days ago I experienced the heavenly pleasure of spending some time in the close vicinity of a phone whisperer.
Sitting barely three feet away, I could not even catch three words of his conversation, and not for lack of trying.

And yes, the whisperer was a man!
Not one of this macho dude who has to trumpet his accomplishments to the world… no, a delightfully quiet man with a low, bedroom voice.
If I had not sworn allegiance to the opposite sex a long time ago, I could have easily fallen in love with this gentleman.
And I don’t use the term “gentleman” lightly, because a man speaking so considerately has to be a gentleman… or a hit man.

Annoying woman in a cafe on her cell phoneNowadays, you cannot avoid coming in close contact with people seemingly talking to themselves. They walk and they talk. They sit and they talk. They sleep and they talk. They are so busy talking that they totally lost notion of space and time.
No need for truth serum anymore. Give an addict a cell phone and he’ll spill the beans instantly.

And don’t get me started with women… They can be as loud (if not more) than men.
And when given a phone, they instantly shatter the fairytale image that we men have of them. They are not the quiet demure little things that we thought they were; they are Cell Women, “give me no lip” Amazons.

I don’t mind people constantly pleasuring themselves with their toy, but they should have the decency to do it discreetly. If they had any breeding at all they would go the bathroom or the macadam to indulge themselves.

My mother in Paris waited a very long time to get a phone line.
When she finally got it, she became so excited that she could not help but shout whenever calling me in California.
She probably figured that she had to speak loudly to be heard from somebody residing six thousand miles away.

Fifty years later, some people still seem to think that they need to shout to be heard.
Or maybe it has to with some kind of exhibitionism… Look at me, I have a cell phone…

Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you, when in a public place refrain from using your goddamn contraption. If you absolutely must, step outside to avoid being a public nuisance and incur the well-deserved (and sometimes violent) wrath of everybody around you.

Dominus vobiscum!


You’ve got mail!

A Priest and a Rabbi (yes, always them) who had been friends for years were always arguing the fine points of their respective religions.
One day as they were riding in a car, a drunk driver cut them off. Their car flew off the road, rolled five times end over end, and came to rest on its roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled out of the wreckage and were amazed to find out that they were still alive.
As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.
The Priest shouted excitedly “Praise Be! You’ve seen the Light!”
“What?” asked the Rabbi
“You crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful.”
“Cross myself?? No, no. I was just checking to see if everything was still in the right places: Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Cell phone.

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I must admit that I was unaware of the practical side of the sign of the cross, and even though I am a non-believer, I would recommend this practice to absent-minded people.

As I have said in the past, snail mail is slowly giving way to electronic mail, and soon the “facteur” (sorry Jean-Michel) will be a Norman Rockwell relic of the past.
Nowadays, you would be utterly irresponsible for not checking your electronic mail, just as you do your regular mail.
And using a smartphone to do this is the easiest way to deal with this routine.

So, check your e-mail (not once in a while like some of you do), but every morning, religiously.
Crossing yourself would definitely help forgetful people and allow them to remain in tune with the rest of the world.
If you don’t, you could be missing some important stuff like the change of venue of Sarafian’s birthday party or the date of the next Doomsday.

I know that when you are getting older you sometimes forget to zip up your pants, but neglecting to check your e-mail could have more serious consequences.
Somebody could be trying to reach you regarding a life or death situation, or there could be some monstrous traffic jam 2 miles ahead of you.

Either way it would greatly behoove you to check your electronic mailbox on a timely basis to stay in tune with what’s happening around you.

“Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore…”

Pax vobiscum my children!



Life in the wilderness

A long time ago, the “coureurs de bois” (runners of the woods) left the relative comfort of their homes and ventured into the wilderness for months at a time. They traveled long distances to buy pelts and trade with the natives.
During that time they were totally cut off from civilization, and amazingly they survived their harsh conditions and even thrived.

Today it is difficult to imagine anybody leaving home without a cell phone in his/her bosom.

In our day and age, the cell phone has become such an indispensable tool that many people cannot face the prospect of being “phoneless”, even for an hour.
They have this absolute need to feel “connected” or otherwise they will most certainly die.

But even when you carry a cell phone you can get cut off from civilization. There are many areas in the US where no phone signal is available and where it is impossible to get a “fonefix”.
This is a serious health problem and I think that the phone company should look into it.

Speaking for the silent majority, I think that Ma Bell should provide emergency stations along the way and allow oversensitive travelers to get a temporary fonefix to avoid dangerous withdrawal conditions.

We are so used to cell phones that it almost unthinkable of being deprived of it; especially teenagers who have an absolute need to fondle the thing regularly and send numerous very important messages to their peers.

When I was young, the worst punishment inflicted upon me was to deprive me of books or forbid me to go the local library.
Today a teenager’s worst punishment is to be denied his cellphone. Never mind the books.
Being phoneless is considered by the teen set to be a fate worse than death and deemed to be “unusual and cruel punishment”. And many parents will agree with this.

Last weekend I spent two days without being “connected” and amazingly I survived this ordeal without incurring any major trauma.
I even enjoyed it.

Even though I couldn’t bathe in the daily glory of my readers’ adulation, I felt a strange sense of peace surrounding me. Just like Adam must have felt in the Garden of Eden.

So even though being phoneless for a few days can be challenging, it is not deadly and with a little determination you can survive it.
Just be sure to carry some booze and a bible, and you’ll be all right.

I guarantee it.


PS: To look at pictures of this event, turn the sound on, click on the “Home” link at the top of the page, and click again on “My photos” located on the right side of the page.