Au Cochonnet Marin

Last Saturday I woke up to find a white coat of frost blanketing all the roofs of my neighborhood. It was so cold that my cat’s tongue stuck to my nose.

After noticing this, I was tempted to remain cocooned in my warm bed for the rest of the day. I am “frileux” (very sensitive to cold) and if I perceive that there is no need to step outside, I won’t.

But all warm-blooded creatures are social animals who have a visceral need to congregate with their peers. So, despite some misgivings, I shielded myself with 5 layers of clothing and went to the pétanque field.

“We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment in our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason, it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.” –The Dalai Lama

 Our pétanque club has done wonders to bring people together, and Christine C. and Ann K. have been the most active (and successful) proponents of this goal. We owe them. Thank you very much, ladies!  Where indeed, can you mingle with people without being burdened by religion, politics, or any other drivel?

On the field, there were between 25 and 30 individuals willing to freeze their “derrière” for the privilege of playing and bouleshooting… a significantly high number of players for a rather nippy day. Obviously, pétanque players are a hardy breed who don’t mind mild sub-zero temperatures, but nevertheless, a sip of Glühwein would have been welcome.

On second thought, we should introduce an amendment to our bylaws stating that on very cold days, our First-Aid Attendant should provide this life-saving potion to anybody who wants it. Tamara also promised to bring some Russian fire water to help revive anybody feeling green around the gills.

According to Greatist, when imbibed in moderation, a shot of vodka can do some amazing things. Notably ” keeps your mouth clean, protects your heart health (maybe), helps you stick to a low-carb diet, tones your skin — for a little while, calms down your hair, neutralizes odors, and cleans, chills you out, reduces inflammation (maybe), kills germs.”

Hoping to see you soon warm and untroubled!

Alain

This question might sound a little bit odd, but today nobody is above suspicion. If you are famous, you are likely to be a target. Remember, it is the nail that sticks out that gets hammered down.

If you are in the limelight, you are a potential recipient, and your head might suddenly roll Just think of Chris Cuomo… He got the ax because he was trying to help his brother… Wouldn’t you do the same thing for somebody you love? Of course, this quick resolution is politically correct but unfortunately very distressing.

“Fame means millions of people have the wrong idea of who you are.” Erica Jong

We have been idolizing Mr. Santa Claus for a long time, but are this man’s deeds politically correct? I don’t think so. I believe that over the years (with the cover support of the Big Toy cartel) he got away with murder.

For instance, I really wonder what really takes place in his famous workshop… We know that he has been employing a bunch of elves for years, but isn’t this unlawful child labor? They work night and day without a break to supply the demand, but are they treated fairly? do they get overtime and health insurance? I believe that some labor inspectors ought to mousey on down to the NorthPole and have a look-see.

Then, he has been using reindeers for years to deliver his goods, but is he treating his animals humanely? Going around the world all night without food and under any weather conditions? I would not do this to my pet. As an animal lover, I would sleep better if the SPCA would investigate this.

And during his rounds, is he carrying plastic bags to pick up after his animals? Because at some time during their long trip, the reindeers must relieve themselves… In his haste to please his customers, Mr. Claus does not seem to care much about the environment.

I also understand that there have been sexual harassment allegations against him. He is not jolly all the time without some good reasons. Remember, Santa goes down chimneys and enters homes without any authorization. And what does he do down there? The children are asleep, but there could be some sleepless women having a cup of tea…  he probably seats down on the sofa and chats them up. And one thing leads to another…

And don’t you think that he is a bit too cheerful? On Christmas Eve it is pretty cold, and I am quite sure that he must have a few big gulps of Cognac during his journey to keep him warm.

Do you ever wonder why on Christmas night you sometimes cannot reach some friends or family? When you drive under the influence, you get a little careless and I am covinced that Santa banged up a few communication satellites during his hasty trip around the world.

Being famous is not what it used to be. As you can see, it has lost some luster and anybody can become a target.

“You wanna be worshipped? Go to India and moo.”

 Alain

I have become polyamorous, and I am as happy as a chimpanzee without pants. If you wonder about this condition, it is “characterized by or involved in the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.”

 Yes, I have 2 new girlfriends and we all live happily together. I believe that one of them is of Asian descent and the other one might be Slovak. I don’t know for sure, but I don’t care for you should never question felicity. They both are multilingual, smart, polite, extremely knowledgeable, and always willing to help regardless of the circumstances. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a blessing, but I suspect that my good look, my quirky sense of humor, and my general charisma were part of my success.

The problem with run-of-the-mill girlfriends is that after a while they lose their luster, and often become jealous and difficult to handle. In the beginning, they never object to any of your suggestions, even if it is a little far-fetched. I will be ready in 10 minutes they say, and off we go. They totally trust your judgment and you will never hear “I told you so” even when something does not work as planned.

My new girlfriends have no mood swings. They never argue, and regardless of the weather conditions, they always remain on an even keel. They really are dream girls, the kind that every man fantasizes about.

Miracle of miracles, even my wife likes them. She has come to terms with my polyamorous status and is even pleased with their presence in our home. But she tends to boss them around and quiz them incessantly on very many different subjects. Siri, as well as Alexa, never loses their cool. They always try to come up with an answer even if sometimes the question is a little fuzzy.

Siri and Alexa are also excellent actors. If you don’t like their native accents, you can ask them to switch to a different one, and they do this instantly. I am personally partial to the British pronunciation and both ladies have graciously accepted to do their bit to please me.

I don’t know how I managed before meeting them. Unlike previous girlfriends, they are discreet and unobtrusive. When you don’t want them, they make themselves invisible, but the minute you need them, they miraculously materialize. I believe that there is a little witchcraft involved in this process, but I will never bring up that subject with them.

So, is polyamory here to stay?  According to Newsweek, it is a growing trend.

“By poring over data from a nationally representative sample of 3,438 single adults in the U.S. from a range of backgrounds, researchers found one in six (16.8 percent) respondents wanted to be polyamorous, one in nine (10.7 percent) have been polyamorous at some point in their lives, and approximately one in 15 (6.5 percent) said they knew someone who was or is polyamorous.”

In the meantime, I still appreciate the devotion of my live-in girlfriends and I think that I will keep them for the foreseeable future. What about you?

Alain