Au Cochonnet Marin

A word that I have come to truly hate.

Nowadays, especially during the Holiday Season the words “Savings” is bandied about everywhere like some magic mantra.
Save, save scream the media.
And people, like the sheep of Panurge, rush to the store to “save” the money that they don’t possess.

The original meaning of the word “saving”, may I remind you, was “the money that one put aside for rainy days”.
But it seems that it rains more than usual during the Holiday Season and one is clearly forced to “save” more than usual.

Orchestrated by Big Business, the meaning of the word has gone through a perverse mutation and now “save” unequivocally means “spend”.
Go ahead, you are not spending, you are saving.

And it is always those who can least afford it that “save” the most.
Everybody has seen the pathetic images of the “savers” fighting like mad dogs over items they probably can ill afford.

A word of advice, before “saving” ask yourself the question “do I need or do I want” this thing?
A honest answer to this question might truly rescue a respectable amount of dough.

But holiday shopping has become a seasonal sport and like baseball or football it cannot be denied.
People buy season tickets and rush to the arenas the minute they open their gates.

Most of the purchases are done with credit cards, and with an interest rate hovering between 20 and 25%, people buying a large ticket item will in the long run pay much more than they thought.
So much for “savings”.

I realize that what I am saying is blasphemous. Speaking sacrilegiously about America’s core values is unpatriotic, but like Galileo I know (and so should you) that I am speaking the truth.

Me, if I feel the urge to save, I pour myself a cup of java, sit in front of my computer and far from the madding crowd, I leisurely order online what I probably don’t need (but want).
No camping outside the store and hand-to-hand combat inside for me.
I prefer to “save” in my bathrobe and in the comfort of my abode.

Alain

I have long wanted to shed a few pounds, and with the holidays fast approaching I aspired to look my best on Thanksgiving, Christmas or birthday snapshots. Who doesn’t?
But as you all very well know, losing weight is a tad more difficult than crossing the Red Sea.

Disappointed with previous meager results, I resolved to use magic to reach my goal. Like a sorcerer’s apprentice I decided to experiment with supernatural forces.
By harnessing these forces I managed to slim down my already impressive figure.

How did I manage this feat?
Did I use weird diets, strange potions or dark incantations? No, not at all.
To obtain the desired results, I endeavored to unlock the mysteries of Photoshop and its first cousin, Photoshop Elements.

I struggled for a while, but now with a few strokes of a virtual brush, I can enlarge boobs, shrink asses, slim down rotund people and remove ex-lovers from old pictures.

Due to its complexity, Photoshop is not easy to master, but the results can be impressive.
With Photoshop I can neatly place my own head on top of a young Schwarzenegger’s body or put any woman’s face on Sonia’s (Vergara) curvaceous anatomy.
I can change the color of your clothes, make your skin look as smooth as a baby’s bottom and (for a price) make somebody totally disappear.

Did this newfound power go to my head? Am I going like Vladimir Putin ride a horse bare-chested or wrestle a polar bear?
No. It is not my style. I will remain the humble, cool pétanque player I have always been.

But do not cross me. If you do, I can cut you down to size with a few strokes of my magic wand.
On my photo albums (seen the world over I might add) you could end up with Chris Christie’s body or Jocelyn Wildenstein’s (the Bride of Frankenstein) head.
Shudder!!!

So beware, I now have a nuclear option at my disposal and I am not afraid to use it.

Alain