Don’t mess with a Capricorn

The year 2020 is almost upon us and we are presently bathing in a felicitous Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) interval. If you pay close attention, you might notice that people are extra jolly this time of the year. We Capricorns will take some of the credit. Thank you.

To refresh your memory (and your Zodiac lineup), Capricorn is a Latin word for “horned goat” and it is depicted as a mythical creature that is half goat and half fish.

The Capricorn originally had goat legs because he is connected to Pan, the god of nature who also has goat legs. Pan was a loafer; among other things he liked to play panpipes and cavort with nymphets.
The Capricorn finally got a fishtail because one day, during a gathering of gods, the meeting was interrupted by Typhon, a monstrous serpentine giant. Extremely scared, and to confuse Typhon, all of the gods morphed into different shapes and ran; Pan himself jumped into a river, and to confound the monster, he reshaped his legs into a fishtail. And that’s why the Capricorn is now a horny goat with Billy goat legs.

As you can see, Capricorns are resourceful, disciplined, dependable and trustworthy.

Famous (and infamous) Capricorns are legions… Joan of Arc, Benjamin Franklin, Al Capone, Elvis Presley, Louis Pasteur, Richard Nixon, Mao Zedong, Martin Luther King, Steve Allen, Stephen Hawking, Giacomo Puccini, Elizaveta Petrovna (Empress of Russia), Greta Thunberg, etc.

Maybe lesser known Capricorns, but closer to home, we have William Lavelle, Jacques Gautier, Jean-Claude Bunand, Carlos Couto, Margo Efron, Bart Zachofsky, Mark Shirkey and your humble chronicler.

Capricorns are a sturdy lot. They are resilient and opinionated.

“I don’t like to bother people, says a man who drove himself to the ER with a nail in his heart.”

Spoken like a true Capricorn!

 Among the major presidential candidates, Pete Buttigieg is the only Capricorn. He is a smart guy, becoming the mayor of South Bend, IN, at age 29, and he is a good debater.

I would definitely endorse him if he became the Democratic candidate. It seems to me that he is the type of guy would walk to the ER with a nail in his heart. Our actual figurehead would be incapable of doing this because he cannot walk and tweet at the same time.

“The most compatible signs with Capricorn are generally considered to be Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. The least compatible signs with Capricorn are generally considered to be Aries and Libra.” 

All right then, Sanders is a Virgo, Biden is a Scorpio. Any of these two will do.

Bidy/Butti (Biden/Buttigieg) has a nice ring to it.

Alain

Is Christmas a hoax?

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. ~ Andy Borowitz

I believe so Andy. But let’s start from the beginning…

Christmas is an annual event commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ. It is observed on December 25 by billions of people around the world… whether they are Christians or not. Even the Chinese (keen traders) have now taken to celebrate that holiday…

So far so good, but we are also told that “Jesus came into the world to atone for the sins of humanity…”

To atone for the sins of humanity… Um… I don’t mean to be rude, but this is a very tall story… a skyscraper of a story…

I am a doubting Thomas; I cannot help it. I don’t buy fanciful stories without direct personal experience. So, I will recuse myself from believing that tale and propose my own (true) version of the creation of Christmas.

Christmas Day was in reality created by a cartel of merchants to boost the sales of frankincense and myrrh. And they did well; especially after choosing Jesus (a nice Jewish boy) as a poster boy.

They did so well, that after a while all the other merchants jumped on the bandwagon and promulgated the story for their own benefit.

I did not want to deflate your balloon, but you will have to admit that this story is much more plausible than the one peddled by evangelists.

There is no question that merchants played a significant part in promoting this day and they all benefited from it.

The true miracle Of Christmas though I that so many nations with so many different beliefs finally managed to agree on something… without any blood spilling!

So, are we square on that story?

My French cousins have a saying « Les petits cadeaux entretiennent l’amitié.” Small gifts nurture friendship… it is true, but I will hasten to add that big gifts corrupt.

I think that we have gone overboard with the gift-giving business. A child today gets so many presents that he does not know what to do with them all. We are therefore corrupting them with the belief that bigger is better.

Call me a party pooper, but I feel (as seen on TV) that a single well-chosen present per child is the right way to celebrate Christmas.
Anathema! will cry all the merchants. Crucify that heathen for his heretic beliefs!

Since all the shopkeepers will undoubtedly put a price on my head, you will not see me for a while. I am in hiding, wearing a rug and dark glasses.

But from my secret underground location, I still want to wish you un Joyeux Noel and a happy New year!

Alain

Don’t mess with Santa

Santa was worried. The big guy tried to project a jolly composure but he was clearly perturbed.

His wife kept nagging him about losing weight… and getting a more up to date outfit.
What’s wrong with this one he had asked. It is comfortable, colorful and everybody likes it…
Not everybody mon petit chou, said Mrs. Claus. In America, some “patriots” are complaining that your red suit is promoting communism… and anti-guns laws.

Ah, come on… These guys are off their rockers Liebchen… I don’t even know if I should bother to stop at the Bunker this year. First of all, the reindeers are complaining about a foul smell over Washington, and I am not sure that any of the White House fauna deserve any present…
This impeachment business is very bad publicity and it cannot look like Santa is rewarding mythomaniacs… This would hurt my good-guy image. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are watching me and I must behave with extreme caution.

Besides the White House’s sorry business, Amazon is giving me unfair competition. This “Prime” business is greatly hurting my own operation. Daily delivery against yearly delivery, and presents for anybody who asks? regardless of criminal record? It is immoral and despicable.

Then the elves are talking about unionizing… After all that I have done for them! Talking about ingratitude… I will show them who is boss.

And the reindeers have started to behave strangely. Especially Dasher. He has hinted that his gang wants better food, shorter hours and a better guidance system. The nerves of these guys… Who do they think they are? French rail workers? I won’t be intimidated by animals!

To top it all, Santa had been preoccupied with some disturbing rumors of groping and sexual harassment. His wife had told him a few times that he had to stop his lap sitting routine, but he could not resolve to do it.

Without this shtick, I would not be the Jolly Good Guy, he had said. I must continue old traditions otherwise it will be lost forever.

But RAINN and EROC were not mollified. Their respective lawyers sent intimidating letters to Santa Inc. Cease and desist they had said… or else!

Damn women! They are getting too far. Suing Santa for hearsay? I will countersue! I will hire the Devil himself, or if he is too busy, Giuliani… he is good at this sort of thing…

I will do my rounds, but I must think of a killer algorithm to streamline my operation. Mister Bezos wants a fight? I will give him a good one.

Let it be known that nobody messes with Santa, not the Prez or the king of Amazon.

Alain