Au Cochonnet Marin

“Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within.” Miguel de Cervantes

Who is your most trusted confidant? Who is the keeper of your most intimate secrets? Who knows everything about you?
Your mother? Your lover? Your priest? Mark Zuckerberg?
Wrong! Wrong on all counts.

Your most trusted friend, the guardian of all your secrets is your smartphone. It knows absolutely everything about you. Who your friends are, who you called, who called you, where you have been…? It retains (compromising?) photographs and videos….
No denying it… the device that you keep the closest to your heart knows more about you than your accountant.

But is it really a friend? Can it be trusted? Could it ever betray you? The sad truth is that, even without torture, if you ever get into trouble, your BFF will sing like a canary on a summer night. It will tell everything it knows about you, warts and all. All your saucy messages, all your naughty sex texts will be revealed for the world to know.

Because your smartphone is not really your friend; it is your servant, and servants are known to spill all the beans for their 15 minutes of fame. As a matter of fact, all your connected devices are double agents. They will work for you but have no qualms about working against you. They are mercenaries, pure and simple.

As the saying goes, if you want a friend, get a dog. It will never let you down and will never ever reveal any secrets. Of course, when it comes to communication, a dog is not as reliable as a phone, but it will keep you warm and let you sleep at night.

So, what should you do? Fire your phone? Live without this traitorous piece of technology? Unthinkable!

The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy. Friedrich Nietzsche

Divide and conquer. Use the two girlfriends’ technique. Get a second phone and make the first one jealous. Let them compete for your affection. And don’t share with the first one what you told the second one.

In conclusion,

your phone is not your friend. It is more like a jittery lover. As long as you get along, you are fairly safe. But if you ever break up, watch out and batten down the hatches. Your vindictive phone will talk like a Trump minion.

“Hell has no fury like a woman scorned.” 

 Alain

“All noise is waste. So, cultivate quietness in your speech, in your thoughts, in your emotions. Speak habitually low. Wait for attention and then you low words will be charged with dynamite.” Elbert Hubbard

I was born in a large city and I have spent most of my life in such an environment. This lifestyle conditions you to the din inherent to any large metropolis. After a while it becomes part of your habitat and you don’t notice it anymore.

If you leave the city and move to suburbia though, you will be pleasantly surprised. You won’t be subjected to this incessant noise and you won’t feel so jumpy anymore. You will get accustomed to this more relaxed context and be thankful for it.

Once in a while though, you will crave the excitement of city life. You will jump in your car and motor to San Francisco for a little look-see of your old neighborhood.
And this is what happened a few days ago. I went back to the scene of my dissolute youth to see what was going on.

The Golden Gate Recreation Area, particularly Crissy Field (a former US Army airfield) is particularly popular. On a sunny day it is awash with walkers, joggers, dog walkers, cyclists and bipeds of every persuasion.
One of the best things the US National Park Service ever did.

In the Marina district,

I was set upon by the noise pollution level emanating from Lombard street. Incredibly, nobody but me seemed perturbed. This goes to show that you can get accustomed to anything, including very unhealthy living conditions.

The residential area looked fairly unchanged, but its commercial streets were buzzing with excitement. Chestnut and Fillmore streets particularly, looked livelier than ever and sidewalk cafes have sprouted everywhere. Doing my heart good, I noticed that dogs are finally welcome in many eateries. The old American fear of gems has slightly abetted and animal discrimination is slowly ebbing.

I must say that I have personally cavorted with cats and dogs all my life without ever feeling any ill effect. I couldn’t say the same thing about human beings.

Parking in the city has become utterly impossible. Unless you are unbelievably lucky, you won’t find a free parking meter anywhere. And if you find one, you have to be extremely quick or somebody with snatch it before you.
The only plus is that you don’t need small change anymore. A credit card will do anytime.

We lunched outdoors at the ever-popular Balboa Café. You can judge its popularity by the amount of time you have to wait for your dishes. We waited a good 20 minutes. I did not mind waiting too much because of the unending flow of pretty girls walking by. A perk of living in a large city.
The food was good. Good, and pricey.

Once in a while, you need to get out of the rut and have a “cure of Jouvence” (rejuvenating experience) to feel alive. A brief, noisy crowd bath might do the trick.

Alain

PS: Feel free to download any of my pictures, but when posting any of them on social media, please include photo credit (Photos by Alain Efron). Thank you. 

In America, there is a quaint saying which goes “Put your money where your mouth is.”

I never quite fully understood that sentence until I got a bill from my periodontist. Getting fitted with a single dental implant is going to cost me over $4000.00. Four thousand dollars for a single tooth! Blimey!
That’s when the proverbial lightbulb popped over my head.

My mouth was full of money… I never thought of that!

Let me see… I have 32 teeth, with each tooth worth at least 4000 clams. So, 32 multiplied by 4000 equals $128 000.00. Holly molly! I never realized that I have enough collateral in my mouth to buy a small boat or hire Stormy Daniels for a short while.

I can walk into any bank, and just by flashing my pearly whites, I can easily borrow $50,000.00. This is fantastic! There is enough cash in my mouth to cover my lifestyle.

But I have to be careful.  It is said, “When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.”
That’s why the girls are so eager to plant a wet one on me! I just thought that they liked me… And… there is nothing freakier than waking up to find two fingers probing your mouth.
In the future, I will have to be more careful and do a thorough body search of the lovelies when they leave.

And I should not smile too often. Flashing your assets can be risky. I know that scouts are always on the lookout for great teeth. Am I paranoid?
Well, have you ever heard of Organ Harvesting? I have!

My teeth are my bond… and because of this, I have to pamper them. Nothing is too good for them. Caviar and Dom Perignon on a regular basis. Brushing every hour… massage every 2 hours…
It is almost like grooming a prized horse.

But having nice teeth can also have a negative effect.

“Comrades, this man has a nice smile, but he’s got iron teeth.” Andrei A. Gromyko
So said comrade Gromyko. He was basically saying that if you smile too broadly, it might make you look like a shark, ready to swallow you whole.

Next time you see me, don’t be offended if I don’t look like my old jovial self.  Like a smart appealing girl, I don’t want to reveal too much of my assets at once.
You will have to woe me first to have your way with me.

Alain