Au Cochonnet Marin

The New Year is fast approaching and with it the Epiphany, which commemorates my birthday. Well, not exactly…

To be accurate, the Epiphany (January 6) celebrates the Three Wise Men’s (Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar) visit to Bethlehem to pay homage and offer gifts to a newly born infant named Jesus. This event is a big deal among believers… and non-believers alike.

But my birthday is still January 6 and it is worth commemorating… I think… I am not so sure anymore. It’s weird being the same age as old people. Pre-pandemic days, I used to have a few friends over to share the traditional Galette des Rois.

To be accurate, they shared it with me. We are lucky to have in our midst a few good “artisans” and two of them Jacques Gautier (born January 4) and Jean-Claude Bunand (January 6) happened to be “Boulanger-pâtissiers”. Each year they graciously provided some Galette des Rois to be shared with all my guests.

Each visitor got a share of the galette (save one for the poor) and the person who found the bean was King (or Queen) for a day.

“The bean is one of the symbols of the winter solstice. It is the first vegetable that grows in spring. Above all, this vegetable, like the egg, contains an embryo. As it ‘ages’ it gives life. The bean is very important, especially among the Greeks – they contained the souls of the dead according to the Pythagoreans – and the Romans. The latter threw beans in the back on May 9, 11, and 13 to chase away the shadows of the dead. “

“Under Louis XIII, the ladies of the court use to draw lots. The winner became the queen for a day and could request a vow to the king. This was quickly abolished by his successor Louis XIV. »

Under the French Revolution though, the cake was not called Galette des Rois but Galette de la Liberté; there was no bean, and no king (god forbids) was appointed, even for a day.

But it seems that kings are now back in favor and so is la Galette which by the way never lost its popularity. In 2021 alas, this celebration won’t be possible. It would be too irresponsible.

It is naturally very tempting to get together with friends and have fun, but unlike some reckless philistines, I refuse to even consider it. With the pandemic wreaking havoc all over the world, it would be such a disservice to humanity, that it is unthinkable.

But I might consider a covid-eo reunion. I will keep you apprised of the situation.

Alain

PS: Can a treacherous former “head of state” be burned at the stake? Just wondering…

Dear Santa, I realize that I am a little late writing to you, but during this awful pandemic I have been extremely busy counting sheep and I know that will understand.

This year though, I don’t want anything from you except maybe a tiny little favor. I know that you are well connected, and I would be extremely grateful to you if you could provide a clean bill of health for all my friends and relatives. It is not a very large group, just a few hundred people… All of them are respectable citizens… some are admittedly drunks and fibbers, but they all have their hearts in the right place, and this is what counts.

As long as I am talking to you Santa, and if you are not too busy (I understand that Amazon is lending a hand) please send some ninja-elves to Washington and have them discreetly abduct our ex-supremo. Since being soundly defeated at the polls, he has become totally delusional, and a long vacation to the North Pole would do him (and the nation) a lot of good. I know that you are aware of this situation since the entire world is already sniggering about it.

You probably also know that the pandemic is presently wreaking havoc in the entire world, and I would like you to be careful when visiting all the homes on your route. Please wear a mask, some gloves, and do not touch milk and cookies anywhere because you don’t know their provenance. Keep in mind that the Cossacks have had their hands on everything lately…

I have also asked some friends to drop a few lines to you,  so here it is:

I want to instantly be able to shoot the boule perfectly. Also, want a Silver Hermès pétanque set. Lastly, I want Covid to avoid any human that has a pétanque ball. Ann K.

Dear Santa,
As you know, it’s been a lousy year.  We have been looking forward to a visit from you to make things right again. But DO NOT COME HERE THIS YEAR!  STAY AWAY!  You could get our virus and never come back again. We can hang on until next Christmas, trust me! All I want for Christmas is for you to survive in 2021! Margo

By the way, a few days ago I played pétanque with some friends and we had a grand time. One of our new members (David Freeman) wrote an account of this game and I present it to you for your appreciation.

“In the gritty world of pétanque, where a tiny pebble can cause heartbreak, two teams desperately fought to prevail, and with the score tied at 12-12, up stepped David to win it for his team. Without the benefit of cheating, he made a nice shot, near the cochonnet, for the lead. The rival team sent up Ann, their last hope. With ice-water running through her veins (my guess, or maybe herbal iced tea?), she stepped into the circle of truth and delivered what can best be described as “a minor miracle,” her boule cutting through the atmosphere in a trajectory as precise as her brain programmed it, delivered by fine-tuned muscle-fibers. When gravitational forces settled her boule, and the dust cleared, it rested in hallowed terrain, nearest the assigned target. Ann’s endorphins of triumph kicked in, and somewhere, Marco Foyot was smiling. David, a poor sport, could only think of what might have been, and was heard to utter the classic rejoinder, “Oh, shit!”.

Isn’t lyrical… or maybe ganja induced? I will let you judge and reward that gentleman as you see fit.

Take care Santa, and don’t overdo it with firewater on New Year’s Eve.
My best to Fido and Mrs. Claus!

Alain

“It was so cold I almost got married.” Shelly Winters

Lately, it has been relatively cold in Northern California. Between 40 to 60°F. I say relatively because few people can agree on what you can call cold. Especially in our household.

I consider myself to be a cool, level-headed guy. Yes! When it is hot, I say, “It’s hot” and when it is cold, I say “Il fait un froid de canard!” Just an impartial assessment of the situation.

But my wife has drastically different ideas about this matter. She is always hot when I am cold, and she shivers when I drip in sweat! I have cast some doubts on the condition of her internal thermostat but to no avail.

This condition might have something to do with the fact that she hails from St Petersburg, Russia where the average winter temperature oscillates between 16°F and 26°F. I, on the other hand, grew up 1732 miles (2787 km) from that frozen environment, and I wear fleeced long johns when she is sashaying in flimsy negligees.

But I hold the keys to the Kingdom on that protracted war. I control the house temperature through my smartphone. With the push of a button, I generate cold and heat at will… but not without snide remarks from you know who.

And I am not alone in this fight. In our house, we have a permanent resident called Kate. She is of the feline persuasion and feels the same way about the cold problem as I do. When I turn the heater on, she gives me a big high-five and runs to the closest heating vent to get the maximum benefit from the warm airflow.

If this case comes to court, I know that she will be a very credible witness to buttress my case. I am also considering calling St Petersburg to seek the advice of a Russian psychologist who might be able to diagnostic my roommate’s problem.

We have a fireplace, but we never use it. It is too much work, and wood-burning is bad for the environment anyway. It would also prevent Santa from dropping in and bring me the numerous presents that I requested.

But and I won’t deny it, there are some benefits to cold weather. According to experts, it can help you fight off infections, help you sleep better, and it is supposed to improve your brain functions.

Fine and dandy, but ultimately, nothing beats a shot of vodka (or Cognac) to keep the cold away (or even discourage Covid 19).

Keep warm my friends, it’s cold outside!

Alain

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