Category: Fourre-tout

I have become polyamorous, and I am as happy as a chimpanzee without pants. If you wonder about this condition, it is “characterized by or involved in the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.”

 Yes, I have 2 new girlfriends and we all live happily together. I believe that one of them is of Asian descent and the other one might be Slovak. I don’t know for sure, but I don’t care for you should never question felicity. They both are multilingual, smart, polite, extremely knowledgeable, and always willing to help regardless of the circumstances. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a blessing, but I suspect that my good look, my quirky sense of humor, and my general charisma were part of my success.

The problem with run-of-the-mill girlfriends is that after a while they lose their luster, and often become jealous and difficult to handle. In the beginning, they never object to any of your suggestions, even if it is a little far-fetched. I will be ready in 10 minutes they say, and off we go. They totally trust your judgment and you will never hear “I told you so” even when something does not work as planned.

My new girlfriends have no mood swings. They never argue, and regardless of the weather conditions, they always remain on an even keel. They really are dream girls, the kind that every man fantasizes about.

Miracle of miracles, even my wife likes them. She has come to terms with my polyamorous status and is even pleased with their presence in our home. But she tends to boss them around and quiz them incessantly on very many different subjects. Siri, as well as Alexa, never loses their cool. They always try to come up with an answer even if sometimes the question is a little fuzzy.

Siri and Alexa are also excellent actors. If you don’t like their native accents, you can ask them to switch to a different one, and they do this instantly. I am personally partial to the British pronunciation and both ladies have graciously accepted to do their bit to please me.

I don’t know how I managed before meeting them. Unlike previous girlfriends, they are discreet and unobtrusive. When you don’t want them, they make themselves invisible, but the minute you need them, they miraculously materialize. I believe that there is a little witchcraft involved in this process, but I will never bring up that subject with them.

So, is polyamory here to stay?  According to Newsweek, it is a growing trend.

“By poring over data from a nationally representative sample of 3,438 single adults in the U.S. from a range of backgrounds, researchers found one in six (16.8 percent) respondents wanted to be polyamorous, one in nine (10.7 percent) have been polyamorous at some point in their lives, and approximately one in 15 (6.5 percent) said they knew someone who was or is polyamorous.”

In the meantime, I still appreciate the devotion of my live-in girlfriends and I think that I will keep them for the foreseeable future. What about you?

Alain

Coffee is a common drink all over the world and some people seem addicted to it. It is their lifeline, their buoy, their beacon, their salvation. I, for one, am not a fan of this beverage. I don’t care much for its taste, but I still drink it regularly.

Am I some kind of a masochist? No, I drink it because coffee is still the main social component of our society. When you want to take a break from work or entice a new acquaintance, you will often say “would you like to go for a cup of coffee?”

“I was taken by the power that savoring a simple cup of coffee can have to connect people and create community.” – Howard Schultz

My main objection to coffee in America is the amount routinely served to each customer. Annoyingly, the cup is always full to the brim. In the US, people quaff cheap coffee by gallons, but it was never meant to be that way. Coffee originated I believe in Ethiopia, and it was used by poor goatherders as a stimulant.  It was consumed strong and in small quantities (like coca leaves in Peru) to sustain the herders throughout the day.

And it is still that way in Europe and many other countries around the world. In America, unfortunately, many things are judged by their size. The bigger, the better, right? A resounding no!

Tasty dishes are always better appreciated in small quantities. You would not (unless you are an oaf) stuff yourself with caviar or foie gras, would you? If I indulge in a cup of coffee, I want it served three-quarters full in a small porcelain cup. I want to drink it slowly in small gulps, between gaps in the conversation, and it should last me for at least two hours.

Good coffee can also be appreciated after a meal with a “digestif”.“An alcoholic beverage served after a meal, to aid digestion. When served after a coffee course, it may be called pousse-café.”

 Some of my favorite digestives are, Cointreau, Grand Marnier, Cognac, or Armagnac, always absorbed of course in small amounts and small containers.

In America, coffee is more a lubricant than a treat, and it is a crying shame. In Europe, you will find many “cafés” with a great variety of coffees and delicacies, while in the US you have cheap coffee joints with tasteless coffee and stale pastries.

The secret of success is to find a need and fill it. If you want to make it in America, open a classy “café” serving odorant brews (in small porcelain cups) and an assortment of fresh pastries, and the world will be your oyster.

Alain

“If I woke up in the morning and nothing hurt, I would think I was dead.”

 Well, when I get up, I know damn well that I am alive because the lumbar area of my back never fails to remind me of it.

I wake up with pain every morning and I carry it with me all day long… maybe to a lesser extent during the day. But like a faithful pooch, it never leaves my (right) side. It always waits patiently and follows me wherever I go. The only time I get some relief is when I sit down or get drunk.

It all started a few months ago… I woke up one morning with excruciating back pain and it took me about 30 to 40 seconds to completely stand up. I first thought that the hurting would disappear the next day or within a few days, but I was wrong. The pain didn’t go away and became a permanent guest. It also forced me to walk like Quasimodo in the early hours of the day.

To get some relief, I first tried Ibuprofen; after a few dozen pills and no pain remission I gave it up. I switched to pads, hot and cold… no appreciable results. I moved to creams and lotions including horse liniment… nada.

I finally went to see my regular physician. After a brief visit, he recommended stretching exercises. I tried it, to no avail. My doctor then prescribed an MRI. I spent about an hour in a white tunnel listening to strange noises and I kind of liked it, but it did not reveal any specific problem.

My doctor then suggested some injections… OK, go for it, I said. It absolutely did not work, and I then suddenly realized that the poor man did not know what else to do anymore. Since the pain persisted,  I turned to cannabis oil. I did some research and upon reading some favorable comments I decided to give it a try.

I turned to my regular supplier (Amazon) and started by ordering hemp oil. I tried it for a few days with no appreciable results and gave it up.  The pain was sneering and laughing at me.

Then I decided to get some CBD ointment and after some research, I turned to Charlottes’ Web, where I purchased some cream that is supposed to work wonders.

 If this ointment fails, I will probably address the occult powers and celebrate a black mass with the hope that somebody out there will listen to me. Hope never dies. I will probably keep searching for a solution until I cross the river Styx.

“Technically I’m still young but according to my back pain I’m actually 97.”

To be continued…

Alain