Category: Fourre-tout

A little bit of everything

Vade Retro Satana

Everybody knows that a crucifix or a garlic lei will keep the Devil at bay.
But sometimes you don’t have these reliable tools handy when you most need protection from the Prince of Darkness.

devilSingle women I have been told, are especially vulnerable to Satan’s ploys. They have relied since time immemorial on the male of the specie for protection; but when widowed or divorced, they become highly susceptible to attacks.

You ought to know that Satan doesn’t work alone and relies on many surrogates to do his nefarious work. And they come under all kinds of guises.
They could look like car mechanics, plumbers, pest-control guys, financial advisers… but trained eyes can see through their cover and shoo them away.

A divorced acquaintance of mine told me that she knows what to do when under attack by the Wicked One.

When confronted or pressured by unscrupulous Satan’s henchmen, she flashes a wedding ring and quickly recites the magic formula:  Vade Retro Satana (Go back Satan). She repeats it three times and the Evil One is forced to beat an angry retreat.

These magic words also imply that if the Devil doesn’t back off, she will call her big brawny husband to deal with the matter. And when disturbed, he is not a pleasant man.

This woman told me that the ring combined with the magic incantation works wonders, and that Satan’s helpers always back away. So even though she is not technically wedded anymore, she wears the gold amulet for protection.
She doesn’t wear it all the time for fear of wearing off its magic powers, but she keeps it handy for emergencies.

I was not aware of the Golden Ring’s magic capabilities, but now that I am cognizant of the facts, I will make sure to always display it prominently.
The problem though is that when I go to sleep I always remove my wedding ring and sometimes, I forget to put it back.

I should be more careful because I am a weak person, and without my ring to protect me I could easily fall prey to the Devil’s sweet talking propositions.
So wear your ring, and to make double sure that nothing regrettable happens to you, eat and bathe in a garlic scented concoction as often as you can.

You can thank me later.

Alain

 

Shopping

The holiday season will soon be a memory thank God!
People, particularly women, go crazy during that time.
I love shopping, they crow. I lôôôve it!
And off to the hunt they go.

Call me stupid, slow-witted, but what the hell is there to love?
Shopping in the first place is extremely taxing. Mentally and physically. Shuffling through stores for two or three hours can wear out even a seasoned marathoner.
In the second place, why would you waste time in a store if you don’t have a specific goal in mind?
To women this is a stupid question. Why would you waste two or three hours whacking a tiny ball with a club, they would retort.

Then why would you buy something that you don’t need? Women don’t think that way; they do it for the excitement, for the joy of bringing  home the fruit of their hunt.

And why would you battle a store-crazed mob when you could shop online from the comfort of your living room?
Those foolish questions could only be asked by a man. To a woman they are totally irrelevant. Shopping is a God-given right equal only to the right to vote.

Men on the other hand, won’t go shopping, unless prodded with a sharp object.

To women, shopping is pleasurable, exciting, even sexually stimulating. While shopping is a chore for men, it is highly entertaining and energizing for women.

I suspect that seventy percent of women have sexual intercourse minutes after returning home from a shopping expedition.
I have also been told that some women get so worked up by shopping that they cannot control themselves and have sex in the store’s fitting booths.
This is one of the wiles they use to coax reluctant men into shopping expeditions.

Granted, women are much better shoppers than men, but they have so much more practice.
And with all this running around they have a much better chance of winning a marathon than a man, but what’s the point of a marathon may I ask?
Nowadays you don’t have to send a runner to report a victory; a simple “texto” (text message in French) will suffice. Duh!

As a man, I really don’t see the point of sport shopping, and it offends my sensibility when women list shopping as a “hobby”.

But I might be missing the point… What women are trying to say is that it is the post-shopping that makes this hobby so exhilarating.
This I can understand.

Alain 

 

Free lunch

IMG_9327 - Version 2There is no such thing as a free lunch!
How many times will I have to tell you?

For some, the lure of the word “free” is like honey to bears, but you ought to know that there are always strings attached. Like the strands of a cobweb.
Almost invisible but extremely strong.

If you think about it, why would anybody offer you anything for free? Why would any stranger give you the fruit of his/her labor for “cacahuètes” (peanuts)?
I may sound coldhearted, but it doesn’t make sense to me.
There are more Jobs than Wozniaks out there. The Woz would give you anything gratis but Steve would not, and I respect that.

Nowadays danger lurks everywhere, especially in the cyber jungle. Electronic traps are set ubiquitously, ready to catch unwary web surfers.
The French say “always turn your tongue seven times in your mouth before you speak” and I would advise to at least think twice (no, thrice) before you click on that alluring “free” button.

There are many free apps on the web but most of them have a dark side. They are written to spy on you and your spending habits. Mainly on your spending habits.
And this precious data is harvested and sold to people who will do almost anything to separate you from your cash.

Also beware of the smartphone that your girlfriend gave you for Christmas.
It is a Trojan horse.
It will allow her to keep track of you anytime anywhere and pounce on you when you least expect it.
If you are inclined to indulge in casual dalliances, beware of your little electronic bosom buddy. It will spy on you and spill the beans quicker than you can say uncle.

Keep in mind that snoops are everywhere and that privacy is a thing of the past, like chivalry and cathode ray tubes.
I may sound paranoiac, but don’t come running back to me when somebody drains your bank account through a “free” application.

So, put the kibosh on that “free” thing and pay for what you want.
You might also consider paying me for my free advice.
You will be safer and happier!

Bonne et heureuse année, you all!

Alain