Category: Fourre-tout

A little bit of everything

Polytheism redux

If you watch the news, you should know that there is some dirty business going on in Africa.
In Mali, (a former French colony) Islamist fanatics have been trying to overrun the country and impose harsh Sharia laws (like cutting off limbs and other niceties) upon the entire population.

Personally, I have long been suspicious and wary of religion. Most of my life, as a matter of fact.
Shortly after I was born, millions of people were hunted and exterminated simply because they were Jews. It was not an auspicious exposure to religion and I have been a steadfast opponent of that practice ever since.

Since time immemorial, various groups have been persecuted for being different, or for not adhering to a prevalent belief.
A long time ago, Egyptians enslaved and abused Jews.
Romans amused themselves by killing Christians, and Jews of course.
During the Crusades, Christians killed Moslems and Jews, and Moslems slaughtered Christians (and Jews naturally).
Later on, during the French Wars of Religion (1562-1598) Catholics butchered Protestants.
Protestants then, during the wars of the Three Kingdoms (1639-1651) cut down Catholics, and vice-versa.
Hindus are regularly killing Moslems and Moslems are bent on eliminating just about anybody who is not Moslem.
And I just touched the tip of the iceberg.
Is it what religion is all about? Intolerance?

People or institutions are usually judged by their legacies; overall, religion’s balance sheet is drowning in red ink.

Over the years, many religions have switched from polytheism to monotheism. It showed a singular lack of imagination!
Personally, the notion of a single god controlling the entire Universe makes my head spin.

Greece-Ancient_11736735-300x225The Greeks whom I always admired were polytheists. They worshiped more than one single god and that makes a lot of sense to me.
To be efficient, you need to have special knowledge of certain subjects and a bunch of specialized deities are better than one jack-of-all-trades.
So the Greeks adopted a form of religion that was eminently logical as well as credible.

In case you forgot, the main Greek deities were:

Aphrodite: Goddess of love, lust, beauty, wife of Hephaestus.
Apollo: God of music, medicine, health, prophecies, poetry, and archery.
Ares: God of war, murder and bloodshed.
Artemis: Goddess of the hunt, wild things, and the moon.
Athena: Goddess of wisdom, warfare, strategy, handicrafts and reason..
Demeter: Goddess of fertility, agriculture, grain and harvest.
Dionysus: God of wine, parties/festivals, madness and merriment.
Hades: God of the underworld and wealth.
Hephaestus: God of fire and the forge with very weak legs
Hera: Goddess of marriage, women, and childbirth.
Hermes: God of flight, thieves, mischief, commerce, and travelers.
Hestia: Goddess of the hearth and home, the focal point of every household.
Poseidon: God of the sea and god of earthquakes as well.
And at the top, Zeus: The king of all gods. The ruler of Mount Olympus and God of the Sky and Thunder.

A solid bunch of guys who knew their trade!

With this kind of organization, you didn’t have to bother the Big Cheese for every little favor you desired.
If you had love problems, you talked to Aphrodite. Money problems? A good bet would have been Hermes. Marital problems? Ares could be the guy.

So, as you can plainly see, polytheism makes more sense than monotheism.
And anyway, if you insist on believing in a single god, you need to be realistic.
We are about 7 billion people on this planet and most of the globe’s population adheres to monotheism. That puts a heck of a lot of pressure on the Big Guy.

With polytheism, when you need help, you talk directly to the deity in charge of your problem; your chances of success will be much greater than waiting for an overworked single divinity to take care of your predicament.

Trust me. If you insist on believing in miracles, polytheism is the way to go!

Alain

 

Attack of the killer boobs

You can never be too careful.
America is by excellence a weapons’ paradise and it is eagerly vying for the world’s record of yearly homicides.
According to the FBI, in 2008 14,180 people were murdered in America. The size of a small town. In 2012, I am pretty sure that this number was significantly higher.

The Land of the Free is awash in weapons and it is rather easy for evildoers to dispatch somebody expeditiously.
The problem facing criminals though is that the murder weapon can be found and traced back to them. Well, there is a way around this.

In the past, people have been killed with a great variety of weapons: firearms, swords, arrows, poisoned darts, etc. but a Washington woman has so far perpetrated the most innovative homicide.
She used her giant breasts to suffocate and kill her boyfriend.

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This is a devilishly clever Modus Operandi.
Her DNA might show on the victim’s face, but so what?
Just a sex game gone bad, and there are no laws against it.

So, philanderers beware. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and murder by breasts might be a novel way of beating the system.
That big-chested woman sitting at the end of the bar might not be as innocent as she looks. Unbeknownst to you, she might be a trained assassin commissioned by your ex to do away with you; she is carrying a concealed weapon and doesn’t need a gun permit.

Read in the London Daily Mail:

In November, German lawyer Tim Schmidt claimed his girlfriend tried to smother him with her 38DD breasts. Schmidt said she pretended it was a sex game, the Daily Mail reported. “I asked her why she wanted to smother me to death with her breasts and she told me: “Treasure – I wanted your death to be as pleasurable as possible” he said.

So my fellow Americans, before tangling with giant mammaries, be aware of the inherent risks of a loaded weapon.
An alluring cleavage might be fascinating, but could also be fraught with hidden perils.

Alain

 

 

Handshakes

When I was a kid, every morning upon entering the schoolyard I shook hands with all my friends.
We also pressed the flesh in the evening, when saying goodbye.
This is an immemorial European ritual that I still miss in informal America.
In the US, after the initial squeeze, don’t expect any more skin games from anybody.
Hi, how are you doing?
This is all you are going to get from now on. A pity.

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A handshake generally gives you an idea of the nature of the person you are meeting. The handshake can be pleasant or awkward.
To be frank, I will immediately like or dislike a person based on their handshake. It’s as simple as that.

I like a firm, palm-to-palm squeeze. Not too firm, not too soft… Just in between. I don’t want to feel intimidated by a steely grip… nor do I want to experience the awkwardness of a limp shake.
I want to feel, when shaking hand with somebody, that we are establishing a feeling of mutual trust. This is a person I can do business with…
A handshake therefore will generate positive energy or a feeling of uneasiness.

I highly dislike the handshake that briefly imprisons the tip of your fingers and releases them before you can squeeze back. The message here is clear: on my terms only. We will play this game by my rules. Period.
As far as I am concerned, I cannot play any game by unilateral rules. I need to be consulted first.

There is also the “keep at bay” handshake, mainly practiced by women meeting men.
The woman fully extends her arm to prevent the man from coming too near. That’s close enough bucko! This is a strictly a business meeting.
Besides, I want you to know right away that I will wash my hair tonight.

There is the “so sorry to see you go” handshake. Your interlocutor refuses to relinquish your digits. Always annoying and embarrassing… what is he (or she) thinking?

There is the “pumping handshake”. The man (generally it’s a man) shakes and pumps your hand for a few minutes. Here is a man who is not reading you properly and hopes to compensate the weakness of his arguments by a forceful physical demonstration.
Shake, shake. Pump, pump. Shake, shake.
Let go my hand you fool!

The initial handshake is important because it will determine how the rest of the ensuing meeting or relationship will go.
Depending on your squeezing skills, the evening will end with a bang or a whimper.

So, when shaking hands with somebody for the first time, keep in mind that this is a make or break deal and don’t mess it up.

Alain