Category: Fourre-tout

A little bit of everything

Money talks

A few days ago I deposited a check in my bank account. Despite my rather scruffy appearance bank employees treated me with a newfound respect.
The bank manager even introduced himself and pumped my hand enthusiastically.
What did I do to deserve this? Not much, except present the teller a piece of paper with a few zeroes on it.
Does that mean that money talks? No, it means that money shouts!

If you show up somewhere in a Bentley, I bet you that you will get a much better treatment and more glad-handing than if you showed up in a battered pickup truck.

Similarly, people will pay more attention to a pretty woman than they would to an ordinary looking hausfrau.
The invisible cloak of money and glamor will dictate how people perceive you and how they will deal with you.

This state of affairs is even more flagrant in Europe where appearance is everything. You could be a pauper, but if you dress smartly and give the appearance of wealth, you will be treated with all the respect due to your rank.

To trained noses, money even smells. It generates I have been told, a perfume ten times more potent than the greatest aphrodisiac.
Money sniffers can become giddy when getting a whiff of that intoxicating aroma and have sometimes to be forcibly restrained.

If somebody is looking for an idea to make a quick fortune, I recommend working on a fabric that would smell like money.
If you wore a money suit you would become irresistible to almost anybody. People would flock around you like paparazzi around Kim Kardashian’s booty.

Women, bankers, politicians, nobody can resist the sweet smell of dough.
Politicos, like bloodhounds, have a highly developed sense of smell. They can follow the scent of cabbage like truffle sniffing hogs.

We often hear about corruption in far away countries, but you don’t have to travel to Afghanistan to smell corruption.
It is alive and well on the banks of the Potomac.

These interminable debates in Washington are not really about bettering the fate of regular citizens.
They are about money, and the way to steer it or to keep it in the right pockets.

So, irrespective of their colors, shy away from money sniffing hounds, for despite their histrionics they are only working on better ways to line their pockets at your expense.

Alain

 

In praise of the divine wind

Our body is a finely tuned machine.
Like a trusted butler it operates silently and efficiently, and most of the time we are not even aware of its existence.
But when it starts hiccupping, we need to pause and listen. And like any good manager we need to understand the problem to prevent it from getting worse.

Our body is basically a noiseless machine, but sometimes to get our attention (and everybody else’s around), it can emit some loud utterances.
Our stomach in particular, if not treated respectfully, can get perturbed to the point of “breaking wind”.
Useless to say that the noise and the odor associated with “flatus” can be disturbing and embarrassing.

Gas (flatus) is generated in the stomach and intestines as our body breaks down food and it is considered normal to pass gas from 10 to 20 times per day.
It is not excessive and one just needs to flush timely and judiciously.
Breaking wind is a natural bodily function and preventing our body from using this safety valve can be detrimental to our health.
But in our culture it is rather uncouth to do it so publicly.

Once in a while though, you are encouraged to fart.

A few years ago, I was in the hospital for a rather complicated surgical procedure.
After the operation, and after a few days of indigestible food I became unable to have any bowel movement.
Doctors and nurses became concerned and started to medicate me to facilitate bowel evacuation.
They also started to ask me on a daily basis if I was close to produce the divine wind, precursor of the thaw.
This went on for a few days with the entire medical team rooting for me to fart.
When one morning it finally happened, the shot shook the entire wing of the hospital and the group present in my room erupted in wild applause.
I bowed modestly.

This is about the only time I heard cheers for breaking wind in public.

You might be wondering why I praise farting?
As a defender of the oppressed, I feel compelled to come to the defense of this under-appreciated bodily function; it has often been maligned and the butt of many jokes, but its function is vital for a smooth run of the human machine.

So, do not hastily cast a stone toward somebody who inadvertently broke wind. This person was probably caught between enduring a painfully bloated stomach and releasing a noisy but liberating shot of intestinal gas.

Do not raise a stink over this minor peccadillo!

Alain

 

Sequester and other baloney

Here we go again. After the abominable Fiskal Kliff, its equally ugly cousin, the Sequester, is rearing its ugly head!
The American people are sick and tired of this charade!

First of all, what does Sequester exactly mean?
It has its origin in the Old French “séquestrer”, meaning “to keep someone locked up, illegally or by force.”
In English legalese it translates as: “Take legal possession of assets until a debt has been paid or other claims have been met.”

Regardless of its exact meaning, the American people are one more time taken hostage by a bunch of political “jihadists”. Just like Moslem terrorists, they’d rather blow themselves up rather than comprise with the “enemy”. Victory or death, that is our congressmen’s patriotic motto.

And just as with the Kliff, the puppets strings of this charade are pulled by wealthy (usually invisible) individuals who control the purses of political parties.
In the streets they would be called Wise Guys; in politics they are known as “grandees” or PAC (Political Action Committee) benefactors.
If you don’t play ball with us, they tell to their minions, we will destroy your political career and you will have to give up golf, health club membership (gasp) and do manual labor (double gasp) to feed your family.

And if you don’t know what I am talking about, start watching “House of cards”. A fictional but eye-opening television series that is shedding some light on the mechanics of American politics.

The wealthy are hell-bent on keeping all of their wealth and advantages, and they don’t give a hoot about Sequester. They don’t have to. As usual if the Sequester is implemented it is the underprivileged that will suffer the most.

This situation reminds me of 18th century France.
Despite an alarming financial mess, the Nobility and the Clergy adamantly refused to pay taxes or give up any of their privileges.
Their blind obstinacy triggered the French Revolution of 1789, and most of these “refuseniks” ended up with their head in a basket or decorating the end of a pike.

The latest polls indicate that the American public is fed up with a squabbling do-nothing Congress and is ready to go to the barricades and erect guillotine platforms.
Is Congress listening? Some congressmen are, but are afraid to break ranks with their benefactors. Political animals as you know, are not especially noted for their courage.

Will it take another Chernobyl to wake them up? I hope not.

So, who is to blame for this endless mess?
Not a very difficult question. Just follow the money.
Find out who is subsidizing the extremists. Expose these Godfathers and shame them out of politics. Send them to Russia. Putin likes and will coddle these moneyed guys.

And get rid of “pork” (government funds, appointments, or benefits dispensed or legislated by politicians to gain favor with their constituents) and outrageous subsidies granted to wealthy farmers and oil companies, to name just a few.

Last but least, fix the scandalous status of Healthcare in America. Read Time Magazine’s special report of March 4, 2013. It will make you sick, and you will have to pay a pound of flesh to get any attention.

Those are the few things I wish for, but I am not holding my breath.

Alain