Category: Fourre-tout

A little bit of everything

Apps

“Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys”…
Absolutely not!

If you or your children want to become insanely rich quickly, don’t do it the old fashion way, by the sweat of your brow.
Write an “app” instead.

iphone-appsAn app, short for “application”, is a small, specialized computer program designed to run on mobile devices.
And it is the rage of the moment. Until something better comes along…

If you don’t believe me, look at what just happened to “WhatsApp” an instant messaging program.
Facebook snapped it up for a mere $19 billion making Ukrainian-born Jan Koum and Internet entrepreneur Brian Acton instant billionaires.

Apps are what’s happening!

Personally (if I could) I would write an app called ShutApp (name suggested by Michael K.).
Installed on a smartphone, it would trigger a shrieking sound when detecting an abnormally loud voice (not a male exclusivity) in a public place.
Upon hearing that sound the loudmouth sitting at a table nearby would probably inquire, what’s that?
You would simply say that your device detected an exceptionally loud sound coming from his/her direction.

Does that noise bother you? you would then sweetly ask
Yes
Well, so does your loud voice

What would happen next is open to speculation, but should the loudmouth suddenly become aggressive, you could use another app (that I will write shortly) called “Fartalot”.
When triggered, this app would generate a volley of resounding farts capable of deterring even the most aggressive ruffian.

Mark my words. Apps are the future.

Don’t let your children become politicians or pornstars to make big bucks.

As Marie-Antoinette once said, “if they are hungry, let them write apps”.

Alain

 

The Swiss menace

At the end of the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics games, the Swiss collected 6 Gold medals out of a grand total of 11 awards.
Not too shabby for a country whose total population does not exceed 7 million.
But the Swiss are a sturdy bunch and we are lucky to have one in our midst.

IMG_5366_edited-1Yesterday I played pétanque with (or rather against) Gnädige Frau Verena Rytter and I was surprised and gratified to see how well she did.
Gratified because I have long urged women to practice shooting and because it confirmed that Verena took my advice to heart.

Yesterday she was her team’s designated shooter and, when solicited she hit her target more often than she missed.
They beat us (curse her) but I want to claim some credit for her success.
It was I who urged her (and women in general) to try shooting, and it looks like my advice paid off.

Up to now, “shooting” had been men’s almost exclusive domain.
I have long maintained that just about anybody can become a shooter. The key to success is a thick back, practice and perseverance.
Some men might first object to a woman’s leadership position, but will fall in line when they see the results.

Winning is nice, but being an instrumental part of victory is even nicer.
For me, a few outstanding shots (even if happening once in a blue moon) are more satisfying than an overall victory.
And I suspect that most shooters feel the same way.

So, I want to congratulate Verena Rytter for her newfound fame and for her small contribution to women’s lib.

Hail to the William Tell of the West!
Hail to mountain goat and expert shot Verena (Tell) Rytter!

Alain

The sound of silence

Americans seem to hate silence. They think that expressing fondness for quietude is akin to worshiping the devil, or at least indicates a suspicious sign of anti-American activity.

Everybody in North America knows that silence is the devil’s workshop.
To avoid temptation and prevent one’s mind from wandering (meditating), every passing minute has to be buttressed with noise.

Just like in Islamic madrasas, American youth is required to learn by rote idiotic, often-gross lyrics without ever questioning their meaning.
Memorize and repeat after me. But above all, don’t think; just immerse yourself in noise.

Be it in the street, in restaurants, on television, noise is ever present. And the louder the better.
I suspect that even when making love Americans need noise, or at least a beat to successfully conclude their business.

Every minute of our lives we are assaulted by noise and sometimes we feel an urgent need to escape that infernal environment.

When I feel murderously perturbed by this incessant hammering, I head for the Las Gallinas Valley Sanitary district.
This oasis is located as the name indicates next to a water treatment plant and some of the treated water feeds several large ponds inhabited by a wide variety of wildlife.

The first thing that you notice upon arrival at the site is the sound of silence.
It is heavenly quiet with the stillness broken occasionally by the cries of some low flying geese.

IMG_3231The trails around the ponds are scarcely populated. They are mainly frequented by nature lovers often equipped with binoculars or cameras.
From the trails, you can observe ducks, Canadian geese, pelicans, swans, egrets and a multitude of smaller birds.
They all share the same ponds without any apparent sign of conflict.

Disseminated around the trails you will find a few benches, allowing you to rest and fully enjoy the splendor of nature and the scrumptious sound of silence.
Sitting on one those benches you can observe the aerial ballet of scores of seagulls.

Unlike larger birds seagulls seem to enjoy crisscrossing the sky with no apparent purpose. Ducks, geese and pelicans are more business oriented and fly in orderly fashion.

When you need to recharge your batteries, like a WWII submarine, surface in the Las Gallinas Valley Sanitary district waters.
While running your air air-breathing diesel engine, fill your lungs with oxygen and your head with high-octane silence.
You will feel rejuvenated believe me!

Alain, aka Le Balafré

PS: you can click on a picture to see it full size