Category: Fourre-tout

A little bit of everything

I want to talk to a human being

Human beings seem to be a vanishing breed.
You might see some in the street but don’t be fooled, they are just androids controlled by gnomes hidden in secure rooms of tall glass buildings.

When you call a big outfit, it becomes increasingly difficult (if not impossible) to get in touch with a real Homo sapiens.

A Robocall system is usually in place to repulse intruders.

When you dial the company’s main number, a mellifluous voice will offer you multiple choices.
Push button # One for this, button # Two for that, button # Three for… etc.
Once you have made a tentative choice, you are offered another set of options. Button One for this, button Two for that, etc.
And so on and so forth.

The system as you can see, is designed to discourage bothersome callers from pursuing their inquiries.

If you are obstinate enough, you might be able to flush out a human being who was having coffee while perusing Fifty Shades of Grey.
You can easily understand that you are intruding on that person by interrupting that interlude.
You (the interloper) must proceed with caution. To soothe the beast, it might be a good idea to compliment the victim of this “coitus interruptus” about the harmonic qualities of her/his voice.

If you are persuasive enough, this person might connect you with another individual.
You will then have to repeat your first name, last name, social security number, the city where you were born and the date and the place where you lost your virginity.

If your interlocutor is still reluctant to give you the information that you are seeking, you could say that you are the head writer of a very important blog (like this one) and that you would like to interview the head honcho.

If this ploy fails, you might say that tonight you will make a fiery sermon at your local mosque about arrogant Infidels.
Or imply a bomb threat.

This usually gets attention.

Police-in-the-remote-vill-001You will be taken seriously but might have to suddenly put up with a group of balaclava-clad men fashionably dressed like baseball catchers and armed to the teeth.

I just wanted to know what my pension will be at 77 when I will reach my retirement age, you will try to tell them.

Never mind 77… Who do you work for? When did you come back from Syria?

On second thought, it might be easier to make an appointment, drive to the city, struggle for parking and eventually talk to a flunky who will give you a number to call.

Alain

Family vs. Friends

“He who hath many friends hath none.”
Aristotle

One’s life could be compared to a celestial body floating in space.
It lies at the center of concentric rings where relatives, friends and acquaintances orbit at various speeds and various distances.
But all do not move in the same orbits.
Friends often seem to gravitate closer to the epicenter than family members.

It might have something to do with the fact that friends are chosen, not imposed.

Families are basically rigid patriarchal entities ruled from the top down.
This system does not leave much room for dissent and tend to generate conflicts.
Friends on the other hand are not regulated by any kind of hierarchy.
There are independent companions not constrained by blood ties.

Due to years of unresolved issues, many people shun family and would rather turn to friends for emotional or (Heavens forbids) financial help.
Blood ties it seems are often tenuous and easily frayed.

DogFamilies tend to be judgmental; friends are not. They accept you as you are, warts and all. They don’t argue with you and are willing to lend a sympathetic ear to your problems. And they are more forgiving than parents or siblings.
Friends often become your chosen family, overshadowing your given family.

But friends before they become confidants are also subject to scrutiny.
They must pass some unwritten tests before moving from acquaintances to friends.

Everybody wants friends but kindred spirits are not readily available, and they are not for sale.
If they are, beware. They are only fair-weather playmates that will drop you at the slightest hint of trouble.

When it comes to friends, Marlene Dietrich said it best:

“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” 

Choose your friends carefully, and like a good gardener tend to these friendships regularly by words, by deeds or by Canine Caviar.

Alain

Thanks to Pascal Gravier:

Of names and nicknames

IMG_5165The choice of a child’s first name is an important endeavor because very often the chosen name will play a part in shaping the adult.
But in America it is often turned into a cheap joke that demeans the bearer of that name.

My given name is Alain. It’s a common name in France and I am grateful that my parents bestowed such a simple, unpretentious name on me.
Among famous people bearing that name, you have Alain Delon, Alain Prost, Alain Vigneault, Alain Resnais, Alain Ducasse, Alain Chapel, etc.

But unforeseen problems with this name started shortly after my arrival in the United States. Well intentioned but misguided people took it upon themselves to call me “Al”. I am sorry to say that this initiative didn’t sit well with me. I won’t tolerate any abbreviations or cute sounding nicknames.
Alain I was born and Alain I shall remain, until death us part.

Incidentally, I was also booked in hotels and planes as Miss Eileen.

I have never understood the masochistic self-mutilation that Americans inflict upon their names. A noble sounding Charles becomes Chuck, Abraham becomes Abe, William becomes Bill… What’s the matter with you Yanks?
Are you so self conscious about ancient and honorable names that you need to drag them into the gutter to make it more palatable to your trashy friends?

Even more annoying than this odd practice, is the adding of a suffix after a surname. The addition of “the Second, Third or Junior” after any name, reeks of vulgarity, but unfortunately it has not deterred people from doing it.

Using initials is also a great American tradition. PJ’s, CJ’s, JR’s are now swarming through the land and begging to be sprayed and eradicated.
I am surprised that the American media did not call Pope John-Paul “JP”. It’s more familiar sounding and cuddly than John-Paul isn’t it?

The creation of odd surnames is also very disturbing. Naming somebody “Chastity” for instance is courting troubles.
Is there a shortage of old and glorious names? Do we need to be so backwardly creative? I don’t think so.

I know of a man who was called Chucky when he was a chubby toddler.
He grew up to be an imposing six-footer and realized that Chucky was not a suitable name anymore. He asked his friends and acquaintances to start calling him Chuck.

After years of hard work, Chuck became an accomplished opera singer and decided to revert to his baptismal name of Charles.
Charles did well in the operatic world and developed a particular fondness for Italian arias. Being in the constant company of Italian composers and artists and suddenly remembering his fading Italian ancestry, he decided that Carlo would be a more appropriate name for an Opera singer than Charles.
And so, it passed to be that Chucky begat Carlo.
I don’t mind this backwards progression; as a matter of fact I applaud it.

Demagoguery might work well for politicians but it can be condescending and even insulting.
“My name is William Robespierre Beauregard, but since we obviously don’t come from the same background, you can call me Bill and I’ll continue to call you Chico”.
How does that strike you?

My advice to you: if you were born William (an ancient and glorious name), don’t cheapen it to be more popular.
I doubt very much that upon becoming king of England, Prince William will agree to be called King Bill.

Popularity is fleeting, good names are not.

Alain

PS: You can also read some of my stuff here