Category: Fourre-tout

Lady Astor: “Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your tea.”
Winston: “Madam, if I were your husband … I’d drink it.”

I love wit, and that’s why I like euphemisms because they often show creative humor.

First, what is exactly  euphemism? Is it some kind of a disease like rheumatism, hypothyroidism or anti-Semitism?

No no Prunella dear…

Like the Vatican Croatian Prayer Book, the dictionary that never leaves my bedside says this about it:
“A euphemism is a mild or indirect word or expression substituted for one considered to be too harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing.”

In a polite society clever euphemisms can blunt the impact of some coarse statements. It helps people to refer to unmentionable words or expressions without offending anybody. Often because they don’t understand the true meaning of what is being said.

I dislike crude people who cannot utter an eight-word sentence without using the f-word at least three times.
It betrays a pathetic lack of imagination or sophistication.

Euphemisms can help and I would be more forgiving of some intellectually challenged individuals if instead of making vulgar comments, they would use a clever way of expressing what is on their feeble mind.

Below are a bunch of euphemisms that I gleaned on the Internet. Some are mild and some are coarse, but when I come across any of them I cannot help but chuckle.

• Adult entertainer: prostitute
• Answer the call of nature: To satisfy the bodily urge to urinate or defecate
• Aurally challenged: hard of hearing
• Barking spider: An instance of audible flatulence; a fart
• Bat for the other team: to be homosexual
• Between jobs: unemployed
• Bio-break: A visit to the restroom
• Bought the farm: died
• Candy man: drug dealer
• Chicago typewriter: Thompson machine gun
• Creative accounting: Financial accounting practices that are not explicitly legal
• Cut the cheese: to flatulate, pass gas
• Dehire: to terminate the employment
• Discuss Uganda: to have sex
• Economical with the truth: not telling the whole truth
• Fall off a truck:  to come into a person’s possession without having been paid for
• Five finger discount: shoplifting
• Hide the sausage: to have sex
• Influential person: underworld don
• Join the invisible choir: to die
• Lubrication payment: bribe, grease money
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer: dimwitted
• Older adult: senior citizen
• Preloved: previously loved by somebody else
• Rapid unplanned disassembly: explosion
• See a man about a horse: to go missing for a short while without giving a real explanation.
• Shake hand with the unemployed: to urinate, to masturbate
• Smallest room in the house: the toilet
• Step on a duck: fart
• Vatican roulette: rhythm method for birth control
• Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: What The Fuck

Excuse me older adults, I have got to see a man about a horse.

Alain

How Russians cross a river…
Thanks to John Mengshol:

https://youtu.be/pMCrj02SUlA

“Our livelihood is intimately tied to the food we eat, water we drink and places where we recreate. That’s why we have to promote responsibility and conservation when it comes to our natural resources.”  Mark Udall

***************

As (most) everybody knows, for the 3^rd year in a row we are experiencing a severe drought in California. We need to be diligent about saving as much water as possible.
Everybody has got to do his bit said Governor Jerry Brown who calls for a 25% reduction in water use.

I did mine by replacing old toilets with water efficient models and I now can flush without guilt.
Up to now I have been practicing the old mantra: If it is yellow it’s mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.
But replacing old toilets with new ones made more sense.

“Toilets manufactured before 1980, usually need 5 to 7 GPF (gallons of water per flush) and toilets from the 1980s to 90s typically use 3.5 GPF.” 

The EPA approved toilet that I bought uses 1.28 GPF.
Gran diferencia, as Carmen Miranda would say.

Installing a new toilet is not that difficult (when you know how) and especially when you have a trusted friend who can do it for you.
Doing the job takes about an hour and it is a time well spent.

I paid $168.00 for American Standard Cadet 3 at Home Depot.
With an expected $50.00 rebate from the Marin Municipal Water District, that comes down to $118.00.
Modest cost, big water savings and feel-good sensation.

My cat also appreciates the new toilet bowl. She uses it as a playpen and brings her mice toys to be cleaned? or for a little session of waterboarding? I am not sure but Kate is capable of the worst.

But now I can answer the call of nature without any pangs of guilt.

Can you say the same thing or are you still slinking to where the king goes alone and wasting our precious commodity with each gigantic flush?

Save water, Mother Earth is old, tired and thirsty.

Alain

Or the tournament that (almost) never was

Yesterday (Mother’s Day), I had made up my mind to forgo playing in the scheduled tournament and so, around 10:00 a.m. I leisurely strolled into the field just armed with my camera and my good looks.

To my surprise, instead of seeing a bunch of people actively tossing boules and wisecracks, I came across about half a dozen people sitting around and seemingly waiting for something to happen.

Que paso muchachos? I inquired in my usual amiable way.

Well señor, right now we have only 3 teams and an extra player. If you would do us the favor to team up with this person we would have 4 teams and we could get the tournament under way.

It was cold and windy and I really didn’t feel like playing, but I am an agreeable fellow and I went along with their plea.

So eventually 4 doublettes lined up for the annual Marin Mother’s Day tournament.

The steadfast players were:

1. Henry Wessel and Calvert Barron
2. Francois Moser and Verena Rytter
3. Jean-Claude Etallaz and Mireille Di Maio
4. Alain Efron and Genevieve Etallaz

Three games were scheduled to determine the outcome of the tournament.

Minette and I lost our first game 8/13 but later regained our wits and won the two next games.
Fortunate stroke of serendipity, wouldn’t you say?

Around 1:00 p.m. it was all over. It was the shortest tournament I ever played in.

The final results were as follows:

1^st place: Alain Efron & Minette Etallaz
2^nd place: Francois Moser & Verena Rytter
3^rd place: Henry Wessel & Calvert Barron
4^th place: Jean-Claude Etallaz & Mireille Di Maio

All the money collected from the tournament entries were redistributed to all the players in various amounts according to ranking.

After lunch a few more people showed up and casual games took place.

I was back home around 2:30 p.m. and contentedly counted again the pile of money I had just won.
Net profit: $6.00. Not a bad day after all.

By the way, what do you call a small mom? A minimum.
Happy Mother’s Day you all.

Alain
Mother’s Day campionissimo.

To look at photos of this event and listen to the accompanying background music, turn your computer’s sound on, and click on the link “My Photos” located on the right side of this page. For best viewing, go Full Screen.