Category: Fourre-tout

You have all heard of pétanque… at least I hope so, but some of you might have an erroneous idea of the game.

The most common misconception (especially in America) is that pétanque is a game geared almost exclusively toward have-been fuddy-duddies.
I beg to differ.

Pétanque (a unisex game for all ages) is not the exclusive domain of retired postal workers.
All can play but interestingly enough it is not a discipline favoring speed and strength. This is a game where grownups can teach presumptuous whippersnappers a thing or two.
Sorry kids, but skills and experience definitely trump muscle and braggadocio.

Pétanque is also loaded with health benefits. Surprised? You should not be.

First of all, the game (to the great relief of your mate) gets you off the couch and out of the house.
It keeps you fit by forcing you to walk (on the average between 2 and 3 miles per day) and to bend repeatedly to pick up your “boules”.
You might also shed some unwanted pounds.
As far as exercise is concerned, it beats sex (maybe not) but definitely Tai Chi, by a mile.

Pétanque reduces stress and allows for better sleep. After a 4-5 hours tournament, I guarantee that you won’t have any problem falling asleep. The minute you hit the pillow you will be in La La land.

Instead of going almost exclusively to their funeral, pétanque allows you to keep in touch with old friends and also meet new people.
New people if you didn’t know, are the indispensable ingredients to spice up your routine.

And last but not least, it teaches you some indispensable French vocabulary (like merde, “putaing”, bordel, cocu). Those colorful words could be useful if you travel to a French speaking country, but please, due to their volatility, use them with extreme caution!

If you don’t already belong to a club, I urge you (as a very doable New Year resolution) to walk to a field and join the legions of pétanque devotees.
You won’t be sorry. I guarantee it.

Alain

PS: if you welsh on your resolution, you won’t get  your money back.

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”
Emily Post

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Good manners are the foundations of a civil society and the stepping-stones to success.

A lack of good manners betrays selfishness and a lack of consideration for others. And there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that bad manners are a contributing factor to the endemic gun violence afflicting America.

It would behoove you to remember that a life devoid of polite social behavior will likely be full of potholes and detrimental to your social life and career development.
So, mind your manners!

Here are some of my personal pet-peeves:

Cell phone conversations in public
A phone conversation is private. Nobody else needs (or wants) to hear the tiresome details of your boring life. If you absolutely must make or answer a call, isolate yourself. Preferably in Death Valley.

Talking too loudly
A sign of insecurity. People trying to prove by noisy drivel that they are not as insignificant as the image they project.

Letting kids run wild.
Parents probably brought up by gypsies or flower children. Offspring likely to be affected by “affluenza”. Parents should be tarred and feathered.

Blocking the supermarket aisle with your cart
Extremely selfish. Reflects the true uncaring personality of the cart’s owner. Probably cuckolded, divorced or Scientologist.

Speeding through parking lots
Macho couch potato. Probably in a hurry to get back to “The Young and the Restless”. IQ below average. Should be barred from parking lots.

Ignoring or not using a vehicle’s turn signal on the freeway
Immature egomaniacal scofflaw. It is my freeway and I’ll speed if I want to. Me, me, me. Hell with the others. Never heard of the Golden Rule but given a chance would have joined the Golden Horde.

Litterbug
Thoughtless oaf. Second rate education. Morals of a horned toad.
“Cigarette butts are the most littered item in the world, with 4.5 trillion discarded annually. Estimates on the required time for cigarette butts to break down vary. They range from five years to 400 years for complete degradation.”

Loud music
Uncaring. Begging for attention. Small penis.

Hogging the conversation
Self-centered. A conversation is like a Ping-Pong game. You need to close your mouth after you have (briefly) spoken, and wait for the ball to come back to your court before speaking again.

Not listening to other people
Self-absorbed. Not interested in anybody’s problems. Potential Jihadist.

Spitting in public
Inconsiderate. Should be sentenced in Singapore. (see caning in Singapore).

In conclusion, “Hurt no others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful” or “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch and may your arms be too short to scratch.”

Alain

A cockatoo with bad manners:

Watch some new pictures. Go to “My Photos”.

“A different language is a different vision of life.” – Federico Fellini

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 Mastering a foreign language (especially tricky French) is no small achievement. It is an arduous and frustrating process that can easily take a few years.
And when you finally think that you can ride the alien bull, you are suddenly confronted with a slew of peculiar expressions that leave you totally bewildered.

We are still in the holiday season, so out of compassion, I will try to shed some light on some common French expressions that only make sense to the snail-eating Frogs.

• Les carottes sont cuites – the carrots are cooked (the jig is up)
• Poser un lapin – to put down a rabbit (to stand someone up)
• C’est la fin des haricots – it is the end of the beans (it’s all over)
• Tomber dans les pommes – to fall in the apples (to faint, to pass out)
• Raconter des salades – to tell salads (to tell stories, to lie)
• Avoir les portugaises ensablées – to have sand in the Portuguese oysters (to hear poorly)
• Donner sa langue au chat – to give one’s tongue to the cat (to give up trying to guess something)
• Prendre son pied – to grab his own foot (to greatly enjoy, to reach orgasm)
• Faire les 400 coups – to do the four hundred tricks (to raise hell)
• Triste comme une femme sans fesses – sad as a woman without buttocks
• Un coeur d’artichaut – to have an artichoke heart (to be hopelessly romantic)
• Un mouchodrome – a fly landing strip (a bald person)
• Elle a de la conversation – she has conversation ( a well endowed woman)

Does it make sense? Mais bien sûr…

Now, never utter a French word unless you are absolutely sure of what it means and how to pronounce it.
For instance, “un bras” is not a brassiere, it is an arm. So, don’t put your “bras” in your mouth.

As a general rule (but not always), when a word ends with a consonant, the last letter is not pronounced.
Be careful, the French are not tolerant and are quick to mock.

Often mispronounced words:

•  Bon appétit (the last “t” is never not pronounced)
• Coup de grâce (pronounced “coo de grass” and definitely not coo de grah)
• Sauvignon blanc (the last “c” is silent)
• Déjà vu (not  voo)
• Cul de sac (silent “l” in cul – surprise, the last “c” is pronounced)
• Double entendre (don’t use this France; it doesn’t mean anything)

Hoping that this little tutorial was helpful.

Bonne année et surtout bonne santé, mectons et gigolettes!

Alain