Category: Fourre-tout

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”
Emily Post

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Good manners are the foundations of a civil society and the stepping-stones to success.

A lack of good manners betrays selfishness and a lack of consideration for others. And there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that bad manners are a contributing factor to the endemic gun violence afflicting America.

It would behoove you to remember that a life devoid of polite social behavior will likely be full of potholes and detrimental to your social life and career development.
So, mind your manners!

Here are some of my personal pet-peeves:

Cell phone conversations in public
A phone conversation is private. Nobody else needs (or wants) to hear the tiresome details of your boring life. If you absolutely must make or answer a call, isolate yourself. Preferably in Death Valley.

Talking too loudly
A sign of insecurity. People trying to prove by noisy drivel that they are not as insignificant as the image they project.

Letting kids run wild.
Parents probably brought up by gypsies or flower children. Offspring likely to be affected by “affluenza”. Parents should be tarred and feathered.

Blocking the supermarket aisle with your cart
Extremely selfish. Reflects the true uncaring personality of the cart’s owner. Probably cuckolded, divorced or Scientologist.

Speeding through parking lots
Macho couch potato. Probably in a hurry to get back to “The Young and the Restless”. IQ below average. Should be barred from parking lots.

Ignoring or not using a vehicle’s turn signal on the freeway
Immature egomaniacal scofflaw. It is my freeway and I’ll speed if I want to. Me, me, me. Hell with the others. Never heard of the Golden Rule but given a chance would have joined the Golden Horde.

Litterbug
Thoughtless oaf. Second rate education. Morals of a horned toad.
“Cigarette butts are the most littered item in the world, with 4.5 trillion discarded annually. Estimates on the required time for cigarette butts to break down vary. They range from five years to 400 years for complete degradation.”

Loud music
Uncaring. Begging for attention. Small penis.

Hogging the conversation
Self-centered. A conversation is like a Ping-Pong game. You need to close your mouth after you have (briefly) spoken, and wait for the ball to come back to your court before speaking again.

Not listening to other people
Self-absorbed. Not interested in anybody’s problems. Potential Jihadist.

Spitting in public
Inconsiderate. Should be sentenced in Singapore. (see caning in Singapore).

In conclusion, “Hurt no others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful” or “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch and may your arms be too short to scratch.”

Alain

A cockatoo with bad manners:

Watch some new pictures. Go to “My Photos”.

“A different language is a different vision of life.” – Federico Fellini

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 Mastering a foreign language (especially tricky French) is no small achievement. It is an arduous and frustrating process that can easily take a few years.
And when you finally think that you can ride the alien bull, you are suddenly confronted with a slew of peculiar expressions that leave you totally bewildered.

We are still in the holiday season, so out of compassion, I will try to shed some light on some common French expressions that only make sense to the snail-eating Frogs.

• Les carottes sont cuites – the carrots are cooked (the jig is up)
• Poser un lapin – to put down a rabbit (to stand someone up)
• C’est la fin des haricots – it is the end of the beans (it’s all over)
• Tomber dans les pommes – to fall in the apples (to faint, to pass out)
• Raconter des salades – to tell salads (to tell stories, to lie)
• Avoir les portugaises ensablées – to have sand in the Portuguese oysters (to hear poorly)
• Donner sa langue au chat – to give one’s tongue to the cat (to give up trying to guess something)
• Prendre son pied – to grab his own foot (to greatly enjoy, to reach orgasm)
• Faire les 400 coups – to do the four hundred tricks (to raise hell)
• Triste comme une femme sans fesses – sad as a woman without buttocks
• Un coeur d’artichaut – to have an artichoke heart (to be hopelessly romantic)
• Un mouchodrome – a fly landing strip (a bald person)
• Elle a de la conversation – she has conversation ( a well endowed woman)

Does it make sense? Mais bien sûr…

Now, never utter a French word unless you are absolutely sure of what it means and how to pronounce it.
For instance, “un bras” is not a brassiere, it is an arm. So, don’t put your “bras” in your mouth.

As a general rule (but not always), when a word ends with a consonant, the last letter is not pronounced.
Be careful, the French are not tolerant and are quick to mock.

Often mispronounced words:

•  Bon appétit (the last “t” is never not pronounced)
• Coup de grâce (pronounced “coo de grass” and definitely not coo de grah)
• Sauvignon blanc (the last “c” is silent)
• Déjà vu (not  voo)
• Cul de sac (silent “l” in cul – surprise, the last “c” is pronounced)
• Double entendre (don’t use this France; it doesn’t mean anything)

Hoping that this little tutorial was helpful.

Bonne année et surtout bonne santé, mectons et gigolettes!

Alain

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”
Alice Roosevelt Longworth

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Here we go again. As the end of the year approaches it is time once more for virtuous commitments. So here are my well thought out New Year resolutions.

1- I will lose weight
This one is probably on everybody’s list. But as you very well know, it is more easily said than done. It might have something to do with the fact that “diet” is a four-letter word and that many people won’t have anything to do with such a word.

2- Quit smoking
I put this one on my list because I know for sure that I can do that. I can easily score some points here this since I never smoked. But hey, there are no small victories, only sore losers.

3- Stop twerking
I will stop twerking, I swear. An obnoxious brat completely turned me off this secret practice of mine. No more hips or booty shaking for me. Sorry girls.

4- Drink more water
I will drink more water. I won’t (like demented urban trekkers) carry a bottle of water everywhere I go, but I will force myself to increase the level of moisture in my already magnificent body.

5- Become a vegetarian
I will become a vegetarian. I put this here, because each time I see cattle in a field I feel sorry for the animals, thinking of the fate that awaits them. But unfortunately I still like a piece of meat once in a while. This is going to be a tough one.

6- Keep on clobbering religion
I will keep on deriding religion. This medieval practice has no place in modern society. It is like believing in Santa Claus. After a while astute grownups stop giving credence to this unhealthy fairytale.

7- Quit farting so much
I will try to curb my flatulence. Cows across the freeway already produce enough methane to light up Marin County for 6 months. I must stop contributing to Global Warming.

8- Stop fondling my iPhone
I will stop acting like a lovesick teenager and fondle my iPhone every 5 minutes. I know that it can cause blindness or grow hair in the palm of my hand. But I might fondle the top of my head to coax my hair to grow again.

9- Dress more stylishly
I will dress more stylishly. I will stop wearing jeans and start dressing in stretch leggings to emphasize my curves. I owe it to myself (and to the world) to be fashionable.

10- Adopt a pet
I will adopt a pet. Sorry, it is already done.

11- Befriend my friends’ friends
I will befriend new people and steal their ideas. I will dine and wine them to extract their most valuable secrets to benefit my secret slush fund.

12- Get off prescriptions drugs
I will try to convince my medico to wean me off prescription drugs. I take too many of these colored pills already. I know that Big Pharma needs the money, but I am pretty sure that it can survive without my help.

Those, my friends are my righteous goals for 2016.
Do yours compare favorably?

Alain

PS: Percent of people who are successful in achieving their resolutions: 8%

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