The Amazing Race

America is now going through the presidential primaries and I have never seen so much nastiness and mud slinging, especially on the GOP (Grand Old Partypoopers) side.

It seems that every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to be president. Have you ever paused to wonder why?
What motivates all these already spoiled politicos to run such a long, arduous, unforgiving steeplechase? Why are they so willing to suffer the slings and arrows of their detractors?Ego, power, fame, narcissism, masochism?
All of the above?

Frankly I was a little puzzled. Being unable to sleep at night because of this, I finally came up with what I believe are some good reasons why these people are running for the Number One spot in the land.
Let me share them with you.

I think that the main reason why all these guys want to be President is Air Force One and its little cousin Marine One.
Wouldn’t you also run for president if you could travel in such extraordinary luxury for 4 years or even 8 years in a row?
Barack Obama (codename Renegade), his wife Michelle (Renaissance), and their daughters Rosebud and Radiance definitely think so.

Oval Office

When you travel as a president you don’t have to go through all the indignities that the average Joe is routinely subjected to.
You don’t have to go through any security check at airports. You don’t have to remove your shoes, your belt or your padded bra.
Inside your private jet you have a very comfortable bed at your disposal and you can sleep through any trip. I could kill for that.
You can also take your wife along (including your pooch) and you will always take off and land on time.

When I reflect on all the miserable, cramped airplane trips I took these last few years, I think that this perk alone is worth putting up with pesky challengers and nosy journalists for more than a year.

The second main reason for running is that once in the place, you will have a staff working for you on hand and foot night and day. You’ll just snap your fingers and your every wish will come true.
Just imagine… being taken care of anytime… immediately…
Pinch me.

Then, what about always getting the best table at any restaurant? And never carrying a wallet?
What about being exempt from traffic and parking problems?
What about going to swell parties, hobnobbing with showbiz people, calling heads of states by their first names, watching new movies in exclusivity, getting a cheap haircut, not having to be home when the Comcast guy shows up?

And let’s not forget the money angle.

After leaving the White House the President gets a comfortable pension ($203,700 per year).

“By law, former presidents are entitled to a pension, staff and office expenses, medical care or health insurance, and Secret Service protection.”

 After retiring the ex-president will then write a book (of course) and go on very lucrative speaking tours.

Don’t you think that those are very good reasons for getting into hand to hand combat with your opponents during the primaries?
I think so.

Is anybody by the way (besides a loopy Socialist) running to improve the living conditions of the American people?
Don’t be daft.

Alain

 

Parlez-vous Petanlingo?

“To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse – German.”
Emperor Charles V

 

To my wife I speak (bad) Russian, to my cat German and to my pétanque colleagues I speak body language and Petanlingo, a mixture of colorful French words and their approximate English equivalent.

Because you cannot possibly play pétanque in America without using that language.
The game having its roots in France employs words and images that are often difficult to translate and you have therefore to use the original words to make yourself clearly understood.

BB petanqueFor instance, the word “carreau” (tile/pane/window) has no real equivalent in English and it would be ludicrous to use any other word to refer to that feat.

A “biberon” (a nursing bottle) is when the boule hugs or is “nursing” the cochonnet.
Again, it would be ridiculous to use any other English word to describe this action.

Kissing Fanny by the way is not a reward but a humiliation for the players who lost a game without scoring a single point. Originally, the losers had to kiss the buttocks of a waitress named Fanny.
But “Kissing Fanny” in my opinion sounds much classier than “kiss my ass”.

I like the expression “Tirer aux papillons” (shooting butterflies) meaning poor, erratic shooting.

So during a game, you have to constantly switch from French to English and vice-versa to communicate with your partners.
That’s why anybody playing petanque in America needs to speak Petanlingo.

IMG_4954It is also why I urge parents to send their kids to play pétanque instead of playing football.
On a pétanque field, your kid will improve his/her French vocabulary, will learn how to count and won’t get physically hurt. Unlike football, only his self-esteem could take a beating, but it is seldom permanent.

So, to be a respected player in America you must learn Petanlingo. No ifs or buts.

Alain

PS: For a modest fee, I will teach you all the intricacies of Petanlingo.

Pill popper

“Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.”
Ambrose Bierce

 

110501_00981_pilules-couleur-medicament_sn635Like millions of Americans, I am a pill popper, a junkie, a stoner, a drug abuser.
Every day, under doctor’s orders, I generously contribute to Big Pharma’s retirement fund.

Because no matter what, some day your doctor will sharpen his pencil and prescribe some little blue, pink, green or whatever color pills to cure what is bothering you. It might possibly alleviate (not cure) your problem.

In the evening I watch my fair share of TV and I am subjected daily to a slew of pill commercials bearing very peculiar names. As a matter of fact, I always wondered where and how they get these names.
From another planet?

But (under activists’ pressure) Big Pharma must now warn you that their multicolor offerings might have some undesirable side effects. You might get gastrointestinal problems, blurred vision, become impotent or even worse.
Not a problem. If the green pills don’t work, your doctor will prescribe pink pills or even horse pills.
Doctors have thousands of them in their arsenal and every day they get more ammo.

“If all the medicine in the world where thrown into the sea, It would be bad for the fish and good for humanity.”
O.W. Holmes (Prof. of medicine, Harvard University)

I believe that and that’s why I have been fighting a protracted war with my doctor. Each time I see him, I ask him “is this particular drug really necessary?”
My old Pakistani quack would say, “you take it or you die”. I fired him after a few months. Yes, you can do that and you definitely should. If your doctor does not listen to you or has second-rate bedside manners, give him the boot.

To his credit, my relatively new doctor listens to me.
Let’s try to gradually decrease the dosage he says. Good man.

My ultimate goal is to entirely get rid of all medications through exercise, meditation, goat milk baths and a weekly regimen of oysters and Champagne.
It might sound peculiar, but Charlie Sheen (I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man) swears by it.

You cannot argue with a guy like that.

Get rid of those freaking pills! They are costly and might be entirely unnecessary.

Alain