Santa and me

The holidays are upon us and I am wondering if I should bother to write to Santa again.

To tell you the truth, things have not been great between the Old Man and me. In the past, I wrote to him a few times and so far, all my letters have remained unanswered. This is not very polite.

Everybody is taught to believe that Santa is a nice old dude, but I have my doubts about this guy. I know that he is very busy this time of the year, but the least he could do is reply “yes” or “no” to my repeated requests.
As I have previously stated, to keep our lives interesting, we all need new toys on a fairly regular basis, and I am no exception.

Of course, each age has its favorites, but regardless of gender or maturity, we should be entitled to at least 3 new toys every year. I bet you that this would keep family and world conflicts to a minimum.
Presidential candidates would do very well if they endorsed my idea and put it on their platforms. To sweeten the cake, they would have the government (not Mexico) pay for it.

I don’t know if it is a middle-age crisis, but lately I have been hankering for a sports car… Nothing fancy mind you (something in the low $80,000’s), but attractive enough to make a few heads turn…

I can really see myself cruising in a convertible, with a “casquette” on my head and a scarf flowing in the wind.  A sports car is a chick magnet and I would not mind having a few babes stuck to my car.

I have asked Santa (repeatedly) if he could oblige, but so far, he has remained strangely silent about my request.

So, my question is, is Santa really a nice guy? I am not the only one questioning his pedigree…

“Santa Claus wears a red suit—he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair—must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” Arlo Guthrie

You see? But I am a resourceful guy… If Santa continues to snub me, I know who to turn to. I have a few very reliable contacts at Amazon; they are friendly and extremely helpful. They never turned me down about anything, and shower me daily with great gift suggestions.

So, Santa baby, stick it in your pipe and smoke it. I can do without your haughty smugness.

Respectfully yours…


Babes in the woods

For the benefit of my close entourage, I want to make perfectly clear that “eating at my place” and “eating my place “ are two very different things.
I enjoy having dinner guests, but I don’t care for unannounced hungry visitors.

Just before the holidays, I discovered that subterranean termites have surreptitiously invaded my house and chomped on it for quite a while. This is not nice!

At first glance, everything looked normal, but if you paid closer attention and poked a finger in a plank, you would not encounter any resistance. Instead, some fine powder would start leaking out.

I don’t know much about termites but I recognize a problem when I see one. So, I called a pest control guy for advice. The man looked at the infected area and shortly after presented me a bid of $1400.00 to exterminate the varmint. I called a second person and I was quoted $450.00. The third specialist asked me for $900.00.

Well my friends, like it or not, we are all babes in the woods, “inexperienced innocents entering unawares into any potentially dangerous or hostile situation”. It is an unfortunate but very common situation.

Most of us have been schooled and worked all our lives in a very specific field. After a few years of practice, we became reasonably knowledgeable and able to solve most of the problems that we encountered (in our field).

But taken out of our comfort area, we are at the mercy of any unscrupulous tradesman. And unfortunately, there are plenty of those lurking in the bushes.

I am always willing to pay a fair price for a job, but I hate to be taken for a ride. And any time you need a specialized worker, you have a good chance to encounter a greedy individual.

The treatment proposed by three different contractors was identical. Drill little holes in the infected areas and inject some poisonous foam into them.
I settled with the $900.00 bid and a friendly young man came to do the job. He labored for about 2 hours and left.
But I have lingering doubts about the results of this procedure…

Now, a quick calculation: let say that the worker was (generously) paid $50.00/hour. Two hours of work would cost $100.00 to his employer. Let’s add another generous $50.00 for the foam.
We are now talking about a $750.00 profit for his company. ¿Es una gran estafa? I am afraid so.

Babes in the woods (most of us) are always at the mercy of highwaymen. So be extremely careful when you venture into undefined areas!

 The highwayman takes solely upon himself the responsibility, danger, and crime of his own act. He does not pretend that he has any rightful claim to your money, or that he intends to use it for your own benefit … Lysander Spooner


The naked truth

There are few nudities so objectionable as the naked truth. Agnes Repplier

Doctor Victoria Bateman

Somebody recently sent me a little video clip apropos of Victoria Bateman. I never heard of this woman before, but now I know who she is and what she stands for.

Ms. Coleman is a British economist demanding truth in politics… and she wants the naked truth! What makes her stand out in a very crowded field, is that she argues her case au naturel! Without a stitch!
It takes a lot of confidence and conviction to do this, and she seems to have both.

She might have a point. In America, we have a big problem with gun control, but since nothing ever happens, people are tired to hear about it. They are bored stiff with this old potato.

America is still a very puritanical country and nothing seems to stir more interest and passion than the naked body. All right then!
If somebody is serious about an issue and wants to be heard, I suggest that like Ms. Coleman, he/she debates the subject nude.

People are tired of hearing worn-out political rhetoric, but regardless of the subject, they will come running and pay attention to a well-shaped naked body.
Why do you think that all modern performers now appear on stage practically naked?

Doctor Bateman, you have hit the Mother Lode! People now want to come and hear your ideas. America has often copied and aped what has been successful in the UK and presidential mavericks should pounce on this sure thing.

I, like all Americans, am dying to know the naked truth, and I want all our politicians to debate important issues without a stitch! I want them to show us that like Victoria Bateman, that they have nothing to hide.
The American people cannot wait to see and hear all our presidential candidates, and our extremely smart president, argue their case in the raw.
There will be nothing fake about it.

Don’t you also want to hear and see the naked truth? It would be un-American to refuse to deal with this hairy subject.

In conclusion…

Why should we think nudity is such a revolting thing in a land where there is so much violence and corruption and racism and hatred? Nudity seems like a welcome relief from all the bullshit in life. Anthony Kiedis