Baby, it is cold outside

“It was so cold I almost got married.” Shelly Winters

Lately, it has been relatively cold in Northern California. Between 40 to 60°F. I say relatively because few people can agree on what you can call cold. Especially in our household.

I consider myself to be a cool, level-headed guy. Yes! When it is hot, I say, “It’s hot” and when it is cold, I say Ifait un froid de canard!Just an impartial assessment of the situation.

But my wife has drastically different ideas about this matter. She is always hot when I am cold, and she shivers when I drip in sweat! I have cast some doubts on the condition of her internal thermostat but to no avail.

This condition might have something to do with the fact that she hails from St Petersburg, Russia where the average winter temperature oscillates between 16°F and 26°F. I, on the other hand, grew up 1732 miles (2787 km) from that frozen environment, and I wear fleeced long johns when she is sashaying in flimsy negligees.

But I hold the keys to the Kingdom on that protracted war. I control the house temperature through my smartphone. With the push of a button, I generate cold and heat at will… but not without snide remarks from you know who.

And I am not alone in this fight. In our house, we have a permanent resident called Kate. She is of the feline persuasion and feels the same way about the cold problem as I do. When I turn the heater on, she gives me a big high-five and runs to the closest heating vent to get the maximum benefit from the warm airflow.

If this case comes to court, I know that she will be a very credible witness to buttress my case. I am also considering calling St Petersburg to seek the advice of a Russian psychologist who might be able to diagnostic my roommate’s problem.

We have a fireplace, but we never use it. It is too much work, and wood-burning is bad for the environment anyway. It would also prevent Santa from dropping in and bring me the numerous presents that I requested.

But and I won’t deny it, there are some benefits to cold weather. According to experts, it can help you fight off infections, help you sleep better, and it is supposed to improve your brain functions.

Fine and dandy, but ultimately, nothing beats a shot of vodka (or Cognac) to keep the cold away (or even discourage Covid 19).

Keep warm my friends, it’s cold outside!


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