Dear Santa

Like every year, I carefully earmarked some time to share my most private thoughts with you. Please kindly mind the non-disclosure agreement.

Despite totally unfounded rumors, I have been a very good boy and If you hear anything to the contrary, don’t believe it. It is fake news… My lawyer (who never lies) is ready to answer some written questions, if need be.

In accordance with our gentleman’s agreement, here is a short list of some of my outstanding achievements:

·      Despite my known distaste for vegetables, I ate plenty some of them.
·      The past year, I groomed our cat 27 times… I also massaged my wife’s back twice.
·      I have mainly refrained from howling each time I see DJT on TV.
·      Unlike last year, I didn’t post anybody’s phone number in a public bathroom.
·      I now only occasionally grope girls on the pétanque field.
·      This year, I only hacked 4 computers compared with 15 last year.
·      Despite my anticlerical views, I brushed my teeth religiously twice a day.
·      I complimented an extremely ugly woman on her good looks. She was not grateful.
·      I knitted a wool hat for you.

What do I wish for Christmas Santa?
I am not picky. Anything expensive, preferably made in France, will do.

I hope that you did not get too fat and are still able to get down chimneys. As usual, I will leave  milk and cookies in the living room .
If you feel a little stressed (I totally understand), there will be some decent Acapulco Gold next to the milk and cookies. Feel free to remove your boots for a spell and have a few well-deserved drags.
There will also be some hay for your reindeer on the kitchen floor.

I remain your totally devoted fan (ready to take a bullet for you).


PS: Don’t bring any gifts to my neighbors. I believe am sure that they are not Santa’s lovers but Satanists.

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