I want to talk to a human being

Human beings seem to be a vanishing breed.
You might see some in the street but don’t be fooled, they are just androids controlled by gnomes hidden in secure rooms of tall glass buildings.

When you call a big outfit, it becomes increasingly difficult (if not impossible) to get in touch with a real Homo sapiens.

A Robocall system is usually in place to repulse intruders.

When you dial the company’s main number, a mellifluous voice will offer you multiple choices.
Push button # One for this, button # Two for that, button # Three for… etc.
Once you have made a tentative choice, you are offered another set of options. Button One for this, button Two for that, etc.
And so on and so forth.

The system as you can see, is designed to discourage bothersome callers from pursuing their inquiries.

If you are obstinate enough, you might be able to flush out a human being who was having coffee while perusing Fifty Shades of Grey.
You can easily understand that you are intruding on that person by interrupting that interlude.
You (the interloper) must proceed with caution. To soothe the beast, it might be a good idea to compliment the victim of this “coitus interruptus” about the harmonic qualities of her/his voice.

If you are persuasive enough, this person might connect you with another individual.
You will then have to repeat your first name, last name, social security number, the city where you were born and the date and the place where you lost your virginity.

If your interlocutor is still reluctant to give you the information that you are seeking, you could say that you are the head writer of a very important blog (like this one) and that you would like to interview the head honcho.

If this ploy fails, you might say that tonight you will make a fiery sermon at your local mosque about arrogant Infidels.
Or imply a bomb threat.

This usually gets attention.

Police-in-the-remote-vill-001You will be taken seriously but might have to suddenly put up with a group of balaclava-clad men fashionably dressed like baseball catchers and armed to the teeth.

I just wanted to know what my pension will be at 77 when I will reach my retirement age, you will try to tell them.

Never mind 77… Who do you work for? When did you come back from Syria?

On second thought, it might be easier to make an appointment, drive to the city, struggle for parking and eventually talk to a flunky who will give you a number to call.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.