Motivated by the recent Academy Awards ceremony held in Los Angeles, I have decided to write the acceptance speech that I will deliver when accepting my own award.
When my name will be called, I will naturally show surprise and immediately lock lips with the man or woman sitting next to me.
I will then dash to the podium to deliver my improvised, previously written address.
I will naturally be wearing some ribbon showing that I am an upright human being supporting (but not necessarily financing) some humanitarian cause. Supporting Free Tibet is always a good choice.
So here is my totally improvised speech:
“I want to thank the Academy for bestowing this prestigious award upon me.
I am honored and deeply grateful, but I want you to know that I owe it all to a bunch of obscure little people who were always here for me.
Sitting on the front row is a woman, pregnant at sixteen and mother of four, who means the world to me.
Her name is Rosario and she is my cleaning lady. She always made sure that my carpets were clean and my bar well stocked. I could never have done it without her.
I also want to thank my mother, for not loving me and kicking me out of the house at a very early age. She taught me not be a wimpy kid and to be self-reliant.
Thank you Mom for being tough on me…
And eat your heart out, bitch!
I want to thank Madame Nguyen Tan Dung, my pedicurist, for keeping my toes shiny and my moral up.
I want to thank my lovely concubine whom I usually visit at night riding my scooter.
She could not be here today (she is babysitting my Shar Pei) but she deserves a medal of her own.
She never pressured me to leave my wife of twenty years and our four kids but would like a new set of boobs. I think that she earned it.
I want to thank Crunch my neighbor’s pit bull for not barking at night and letting me work undisturbed when I am not high on Coke or assorted stimulants.
I want to thank Secretary of State John Kerry for keeping peace in the world, or at least until the end of this ceremony.
I don’t want to forget my attorney Saul Goodman who is always willing to help, no matter how bad things look.
And most of all, I want to thank myself for never giving up and having the gumption to send thousands of letter asking influential people to support my candidature.
And now, I invite you all backstage for a slice of pizza and a shot of Stoly. Please leave some tips in the hat by the door.
God bless you all and thank you again for letting me take home a trophy that I so richly deserve.”