Even though I am a diehard atheist, I recently went to church.
The Church of Apple that is.
Each time I need guidance, I visit one of its houses of worship. They are all brightly decorated and cheerily invite you to enter.
Unlike traditional churches, there are no statues of angels or saints inside and one does not feel intimidated by their surroundings.
There is just a simple icon at the door (the Apple) that many faithful kiss upon entering.
The church puts you subtly in a festive mood and you can almost feel the strings of your purse loosening up as your enter the temple.
When burdened by problems, I indeed go to the Church of Apple to seek solace and I am always greeted like an old friend, not like a sinner.
And I am never asked to confess or repent.
What is troubling you? they gently ask, and like a patient on a shrink’s couch I let it all out.
Numerous young clergymen are there, eager to commune with you. Since they are allowed to marry there is no shortage of them, and to my utter delight they speak a clear sounding English devoid of any Punjabi accent.
In all those churches there is an altar/desk populated by angels of mercy that Apple call “geniuses”.
All these angels have a direct line to God. They carry various electronic devices that allow them to talk directly to the Big Guy and you feel good knowing that he knows what’s troubling you.
Regardless of the time or the day, and in stark contrast with a Microsoft store located a block away the church is always teaming with people.
But it was not always like this.
For a long time I was fed at the breast of the Microsoft Holy Church.
I followed its scriptures (and updates) and was a faithful follower of its gospel.
This was a dark time for the Church of Apple and it was on the brink of bankruptcy.
It was the Second Coming of Steve Jobs that resurrected the church’s flagging fortune and made me convert to the Teachings of Jobs.
By all accounts, the late Steve Jobs was a mercurial bully who was feared and loathed by many; but he had a vision of what the Church of Apple should be and he ruthlessly went about implementing his doctrine. While he was at the helm he took no prisoners and walked on corpses.
Most of his employees were scared of him but they respected his leadership.
Sometimes it takes a captain Bligh to bring a listing ship to calmer waters and Steve Jobs did this.
Thanks to him, the Church of Apple is now “insanely” prosperous and is still attracting new devotees every single day.
I am one of them.
Pax vobiscum my friends!