State of the Union

Yesterday my wife and I commemorated our wedding anniversary.
To redeem my (somewhat tarnished) standing with feminists, I invited her to a French restaurant.
I think that women like this kind of attention, but don’t go by what I am saying, because after many years of matrimony I am still uncertain about what makes the other camp “frétiller du croupion » or “wag their tail” as some would say.

IMG_8198Every year, like the president of the United States, I try to assess the State of our Union. And like the Gipper I ask myself: am I better off today than I was 10 years ago?

Let me see…

Since I got married I lost most of my hair… and many pétanque tournaments… I incurred a stubborn case of Plantar Fasciitis… I lost a tooth and last week I woke up with a severe backache.
Would all these calamities have occurred if I had remained single?

I don’t know, but you must admit that this does not look good for the defendant. Because I ask you ladies and gentlemen, who else could possibly be responsible for this rerun of the Ten Plagues of Egypt?

But for lawyers who defend indefensible cases, things could easily be turned around.
The babes’ mouthpiece would probably start by quoting an old (always women-friendly) Arab proverb that goes something like “Life is a desert and the woman is the camel that helps man to cross it”.
Meaning: without your camel you would probably die of thirst in the middle of the desert.
Point well taken counselor.

But what about my ache-free bachelor days, and why did the Ten Plagues of Egypt befell me AFTER my marriage?
Warranties expire soon or later would say Gloria Allred, and it looks like yours expired more than a decade ago.
Crap!

So how is the State of my Union? Mainly tolerable, but like many unions it sometimes erupts in fights.

But why fight? According to Georges Feydeau, “Why contradict a woman? It is much easier to wait until she changes her mind.”

So anyway, I have decided to renew my marriage contract, hoping that Water turning to Blood, Frogs, Gnats or Lice, Flies, Livestock Diseased, Boils, Thunder and Hail, Locusts, Darkness and Death of the Firstborn will avoid my household and strike bigger sinners than me.

And finally,

“Woman is, according to the Bible, the last thing that God made. He probably did it on Saturday night, and you can feel the fatigue.”

I did not say that, Alexandre Dumas son did.

Alain

 

 

One thought on “State of the Union”

  1. You are such a witty, funny man. Thank you for writing. Patrick and I leave for Paris this Tuesday. Any thoughts as to what I absolutely must not miss? I am an artist and art groupie, so I know I breathe in the atmosphere with gusto.
    A+ Shannon

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