DBAA

Everybody abides (or should abide) by a small list of principles.
A kind of personalized Ten Commandments.

Regardless of your beliefs, the very first commandment on that list should be: DBAA. Don’t be an asshole.

Scholars agree that this sentence was first recorded when Moses parleyed with Pharaoh.

-Let my people go Pharaoh.
-In your dreams, Big Mo.
–Don’t be an asshole Pharaoh. Let my people go.
Get lost Matzo Boy!
And so the die was cast.

This admonition should also sound familiar to “Breaking Bad” fans. This is what Jane Margolis (Jesse Pinkman’s landlord and girlfriend) advises Jesse not to be.
It is a wise recommendation!

To avoid being an asshole, one should always remember to “put his brain in gear before putting his mouth in motion.”
Especially in view of the Miranda warning “Anything you say or do may be used against you in a court of law” and the ubiquitous presence of recording devices.

Whatever you say in a fit of anger or passion (or even worse, cold-bloodedly) will come back and bite you in the “derriere” (and hopefully in the wallet).
It is like a boomerang. In worst cases, it will come back to you and kiss you, Mafia style.

When you slight somebody you should rightly expect retribution because no bad deed should go unpunished.

Vase de SoissonsFrench kids are particularly familiar with the story of the Soissons Vase.

No one is immune from “assholitis”.
It is a debilitating disease that is strangely similar to dementia.
Those afflicted by it exhibit impaired reasoning, delusions of grandeur, arrogance and paranoia.
They are anti-social, rude, intolerant and misogynistic. Attitudes that should not be tolerated anywhere.

Assholitis is an equal opportunity sickness and there is no-known cure for it.

The best protection against these lunatics is to put them in a virtual isolation ward.
Surround them with a wall of silence and let them marinate in their bitter, hateful brew.

Alain

For Lea

Some people requested that I translate the previous story, so here you are:

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Short story for young children.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Coquelicot (Poppy).
She was given that name because she always smiled like a flower caressed by the sun, and also because she had brightly colored red hair.
She was six years old and she was always hanging out with a dog going by the name of Loustic (Joker).
Loustic was only two but he was much stronger and he could run much faster than Coquelicot.

Loustic and Coquelicot were friends because Coquelicot always understood what Loustic said.
Grownups don’t understand the language of animals, but some children can and Coquelicot was one of these special children.
Loustic also understood everything that Coquelicot said, but sometimes when he didn’t want to, he pretended that he did not understand.

Since she lived close to a forest, one day Coquelicot decided to go mushroom picking.
She left her house, escorted by Loustic who went scouting ahead.

A little later, while busily picking mushrooms, Coquelicot forgot about Loustic who disappeared checking some mysterious scents.
Suddenly she heard a noise behind her, in the bushes.
She turned around and saw something looking like a big pig with very stiff hair.
The beast looked at her and grunted.

Coquelicot got scared and screamed “Loustic, help, help!”
Loustic came running and asked “arf, arf?” which everybody knows means “what, what?”
There is a big beast that really scared me Loustic…
A big beast? Arf, arf? (which can also mean: Where? Where?)
Behind me, in the bushes…
Don’t move Coquelicot, I’ll take care of him.
And he disappeared running and barking very loudly.

He came back a little later and declared: the enemy has been routed!
Coquelicot kissed him and gave him a mushroom as a reward.
Loustic did not really like mushrooms, but he pretended that he did.
A few minutes later though, he discreetly spit out everything he had in his mouth.

Coquelicot kissed him again and Loustic kissed her back with his big red tongue.
Thank you Loustic, said Coquelicot, you saved my life.
Of course Coquelicot. You are my best friend!

The end.

Alain

Pour Léa

Petite histoire simple pour jeunes enfants

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IMG_1344Il était une fois une petite fille qui s’appelait Coquelicot.
On lui avait donné ce prénom parce qu’elle souriait toujours comme une fleur qui s’ouvre au soleil, et aussi parce qu’elle avait des cheveux roux.
Coquelicot avait six ans et était toujours accompagné par un gros chien nommé Loustic.
Loustic n’avait que deux ans mais il était beaucoup plus fort et courait beaucoup plus vite que Coquelicot.

Loustic et Coquelicot étaient amis parce que Coquelicot comprenait toujours ce que disait Loustic.
Les grandes personnes ne comprennent pas le langage des animaux, mais certains enfants le peuvent et Coquelicot était l’un de ces enfants spéciaux.
Loustic à son tour comprenait tout ce que disait Coquelicot, mais parfois quand il n’en avait pas envie, il faisait semblant de ne pas comprendre.

Habitant près d’une forêt, Coquelicot décida un jour  d’aller faire une cueillette de champignons.
Elle partit,  évidemment accompagnée par Loustic qui marchait devant en éclaireur.

Plus tard, toute occupée à sa tâche, Coquelicot oublia Loustic qui partit renifler les sous-bois
Soudainement, elle entendit un bruit derrière elle, dans les buissons.
Elle tourna la tête et aperçut ce qui semblait être une espèce de gros cochon recouvert de poils très drus.
L’animal la regarda et grogna.

Coquelicot pris peur et cria: « Loustic, au secours ».
Loustic accourut immédiatement en demandant Ouah ? Ouah ? Ce qui dans le langage des chiens veut évidemment dire Quoi ? Quoi ?

Il a une grosse bête qui m’a fait peur Loustic… Une grosse bête ? Où ? Où ?
Derrière moi, dans les buissons…
Ne bouges pas Coquelicot, je me charge de ce chenapan.
Et il partit au galop en aboyant haut et fort.

Il revint quelques minutes plus tard en disant : l’ennemi a pris la fuite !
Coquelicot l’embrassa et lui donna un champignon à croquer.
Loustic n’aimait vraiment pas les champignons, mais il fit semblant d’aimer ce qu’on lui donnait.
Quelques minutes plus tard cependant, il cracha discrètement derrière lui tout ce qu’il avait dans la bouche.

Coquelicot l’embrassa encore et Loustic sortit une grande langue rouge pour lui rendre son baiser.
Merci Loustic dit Coquelicot. Tu m’as sauvé la vie !
C’est normal Coquelicot. Tu es ma meilleure amie !

Alain