Au Cochonnet Marin

I consider myself a helpful person and I will prove it to you once more by helping you make the best resolutions for 2015.
Here are the most sensible commitments I gleaned on the Internet that I will unselfishly share with you:

 

* I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

* I will also do less laundry and wear more deodorant

* I will go to the gym more than twice this year.

* I will lose between ten and three thousand pounds.

* I will get two friends to start smoking… that way I will feel less guilty when I drink too much.

* I will regularly check that my family is still alive in the next room

* I will stop twitting from the toilets

* I will not try to teach my wife to fly out the window when she gets on my nerves.

* In 2015 I will continue my red wine, pasta Alfredo and fast food diet, but in the bio mode

* I will think of a better password than “password” or “hello”.

* I will learn what the word “resolution” means.

And finally, I wish that the fleas of a thousand mangy dogs infest the ass of anyone who messes just one second of the new year and that this moron’s arms become too short to ever scratch.

Happy new year ! Frohes neues Jahr ! Bonne année à tous ! Buon anno ! Feliz ano nuevo ! С Новым Годом (S novim godom)

Your devoted friend

Alain

PS : In 2014 you sent me your best wishes. It did not work.
For 2015 send me cash instead. Thank you.

Some people worship the sun but I seem to be more partial to foggy days when a thick cloud of tiny water droplets restricts visibility and reshapes everything into ghostly forms.

And this morning, such was the case in Marin County. A thick layer of fog hovered over the landscape and transformed familiar scenery into a mysterious otherworldly vision.

The Las Gallinas Wildlife Ponds looked like outsized mirrors dotted by a multitude of waterfowls.
This is where by the way dwell trolls, goblins, leprechauns and korrigans. If you don’t have a clear conscience, it is a place to better avoid.

But it is nonetheless an area that I visit regularly.
I like to walk by myself, without anybody to perturb my Dreamtime journey.
I can hear the Korrigans whispering in the thick fog, but as a bone fide card-carrying pétanque player I have nothing to fear.
Playing classic music on my Smartphone also seems to have a soothing effect on the creatures.

Around one of the ponds there is also an isolate area where for a few days in a row I have met a lone Canadian goose.

She stood erect by the side of the path and watched me come without showing any apparent alarm. I walked slowly by avoiding her gaze.
She looked at me curiously but didn’t give any ground. She was a big bird and I would hate to have to tangle with her.
I always avoid looking directly at her for fear of provoking her.

I wonder why she stays there by herself? Geese are gregarious creatures and like company. Is she (like the good girls of yesteryear) discreetly hatching eggs born out of a guilty liaison?

Once in a while some ghostly figures emerge from the fog. They look human but you cannot be certain.
Some smile, some don’t. Sometimes we greet each other, sometimes we don’t.

While crossing path with them I clutch a dried paprika bean given to me by a one-eyed gypsy woman.
If evil spirits ever bother you she said, bite on the paprika and blow on your tormentors.
They will back down. It is very effective.
I believe it.

Around 11:00 am the fog lifts a little and a pale December sun peers through the darkness.
The goblins vanish and I head home.

Alain

“Cats try to teach humans a few basic words of cat language. They find that most humans can learn simple phrases such as “Let me out”, “You are an idiot”, “I want some dinner” and “Play with me.”
Stuart and Linda MacFarlane

 

Que de crimes l’on commet en ton nom!
How many crimes are committed in thy name!

I don’t know if I am alone in this predicament (I very much doubt it), but I have often dealt with women who are significantly lacking basic communication skills.

They will start a dialogue? (especially one directed toward the resolution of a problem) speaking through a wall (or from another floor) and expect to be immediately gratified with a crystal clear answer.

“Mr. Watson. Come here. I need you!”
These few words probably sounded clearer to Watson than these unfortunate communication attempts I have had with some people of the female persuasion.
I say female persuasion because men will usually meet you eye to eye to discuss important matters (or to exchange a few blows).

And these contentious women will rant and rave if you fail to understand the static loaded message that they so poorly convey.
Well, the offended party should not be the initiator of the conversation, but the recipient.
It is like sending an incoherent message to somebody and getting upset if the beneficiary does not grasp your gibberish.

In a cohabitation contract it is imperative to have a paragraph stipulating that two people have to be in the same room to have a conversation.

I have often been astounded to hear (yes I occasionally watch Judge Judy) that two people will move in together 3 days after their initial meeting.
Are these fools mentally retarded? Where is the damn contract?

There is a big difference between «des couilles en or» and « des nouilles encore ».

Failure to communicate adequately is the main problem between cohabitants.
And just as there are strict rules in any game, there should be rules in the human relations game.

So here is a suggestion for your New Year resolution:

Prior to starting a conversation, you will have to be no more than five feet away from your interlocutor. You will signal (like in Morse code) that you are ready to communicate and request the other person’s attention.

QRV: Are you ready to copy?
QRV: I am ready to copy!

If the person starting the conversation doesn’t follow this protocol, the exchange should be considered “null and void” and you cannot be held responsible for the adverse side effects arising from this situation.

You don’t have to thank me. Just like Mahatma Gandhi I preach non-violence.
I do this for a strictly altruistic reason.

Joyeux Noel et bonne et heureuse année a tous!

Alain