Au Cochonnet Marin

Que de crimes l’on commet en ton nom!
How many crimes are committed in thy name!

I don’t know if I am alone in this predicament (I very much doubt it), but I have often dealt with women who are significantly lacking basic communication skills.

They will start a dialogue? (especially one directed toward the resolution of a problem) speaking through a wall (or from another floor) and expect to be immediately gratified with a crystal clear answer.

“Mr. Watson. Come here. I need you!”
These few words probably sounded clearer to Watson than these unfortunate communication attempts I have had with some people of the female persuasion.
I say female persuasion because men will usually meet you eye to eye to discuss important matters (or to exchange a few blows).

And these contentious women will rant and rave if you fail to understand the static loaded message that they so poorly convey.
Well, the offended party should not be the initiator of the conversation, but the recipient.
It is like sending an incoherent message to somebody and getting upset if the beneficiary does not grasp your gibberish.

In a cohabitation contract it is imperative to have a paragraph stipulating that two people have to be in the same room to have a conversation.

I have often been astounded to hear (yes I occasionally watch Judge Judy) that two people will move in together 3 days after their initial meeting.
Are these fools mentally retarded? Where is the damn contract?

There is a big difference between «des couilles en or» and « des nouilles encore ».

Failure to communicate adequately is the main problem between cohabitants.
And just as there are strict rules in any game, there should be rules in the human relations game.

So here is a suggestion for your New Year resolution:

Prior to starting a conversation, you will have to be no more than five feet away from your interlocutor. You will signal (like in Morse code) that you are ready to communicate and request the other person’s attention.

QRV: Are you ready to copy?
QRV: I am ready to copy!

If the person starting the conversation doesn’t follow this protocol, the exchange should be considered “null and void” and you cannot be held responsible for the adverse side effects arising from this situation.

You don’t have to thank me. Just like Mahatma Gandhi I preach non-violence.
I do this for a strictly altruistic reason.

Joyeux Noel et bonne et heureuse année a tous!

Alain

What do you call a cat that is totally mesmerized by water? To the point of sleeping in the sink waiting for moisture to gush forth…
Apostate, deviant, perverse, weird? Or maybe just non-conformist?

Should I worry? Should I call a priest to perform some kind of exorcism?
Will this obsession prevent her from becoming a doctor, a neuroscientist or (God forbids) a lawyer?
Will she get weird tattoos and rings in her nose when she grows up?
A parent worries about his children and so do I.

I try to educate her in a manner that makes a clear distinction between Good and Evil, but it is not easy.
I have tried to tell her that sharpening her claws on the side of the couch is evil. She disagrees.
I have tried to tell her that her finicky eating habits are dreadful. She just stares, unblinkingly.
I have tried to tell her that sleeping on my face is not polite. She is not convinced.

I have told her that I am an atheist… she remains inscrutable on that subject.
I don’t want to probe but I discreetly checked her credit card to see if she has plans to go to Syria in the near future.
So far so good.

She is athletic and  is a competitive sleeper. She can sleep anytime anywhere, and in the oddest locations.
She was born a snoozer and a snoozer she will always remain.

Princess Kate is no ordinary feline. Even though she is still very young, she has the grace and demeanor of royalty. That’s what blue blood does for you.

She shows a keen interest in information technology and has excellent mouse skills.
To speed things along, she often nudges the cursor with her paw to make it move faster.

She watches the news with interest and is partial to a certain vet show.

But above all she loves water.
I am thinking of introducing her to the pleasure of a Japanese bath.
There is nothing like a good soaking in warm water followed by an expert massage to keep body and mind in a fighting shape.

I already approached her about that. She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no.

To be continued….

Alain

Stress!
Who has not experienced emotional strain once in a while? It is one of the curses of modern life and it can lend on you like a ton of bricks.

But if you ever feel despondent, dispirited, don’t go to a shrink. Get adopted by a cat. It is warmer, softer, cheaper than a psychologist, and non-judgmental.

Sigmund Freud himself agreed:
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”

There is nothing more soothing than reaching in the gloom of night for a purring little ball of fur.
Don’t worry, it says, I am here. You can rub my belly if your heart aches. It has magic properties known to get rid of disturbing bugaboos.
You can pet me as long as you want. There is no extra charge.

Cats seldom speak (they can, but they don’t want to) but they are able to convey what they want very easily.
They communicate with their entire body: mouth, ears, eyes, body, tail.
You will have to be pretty dense not to understand what they are saying.
And if you pretend that you that you don’t, they will turn around and walk away haughtily with their tail held high in the air; everybody knows that it is the highest form of contempt.
I am not wasting my precious time with such a dunce, the tail says.

In ancient Egypt (much more enlightened than Modern Egypt) cats were considered sacred. They were worshiped, and after death some (like high ranking humans) were even mummified.
Killing a cat, even accidentally was then punishable by death. As it should be.

Cats are the most sophisticated creatures that ever saw the light of day.
They are lovers, fighters, dreamers, philosophers and gourmets.
They are wise and consider very carefully what their next move will be.
They are not impetuous. They are deep thinkers and only act after careful consideration.

Among the famous cat lovers: Sir Winston Churchill (his cat Jock even attended wartime Cabinet meetings. He was trusted to never speak about what he heard and he never did).
Alexandre Dumas, Albert Einstein, Ernest Hemingway, Victor Hugo, Robert E. Lee, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, John Lennon (he and his first wife Cynthia had up to ten cats), Queen Victoria, Sir Walter Scott, Mark Twain and Aleksei Efronov.

When cats speak, people listen.
A famous cat said:
“Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in.”
Napoleon Bonaparte

To sum it up, instead of getting your head and body massaged by a total stranger, strip into a “full monty” and get a good kneading from your cat.

You will feel better, I promise you.

Alain