The taming of the shrew

“Frequent and loud laughter is the characteristic of folly and ill manners.”
Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield

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I totally agree with you, milord! Loud laughter is boorish and betrays a substandard upbringing.

the-taming-of-the-shrewI am not misogynous but sometimes I feel like hitting some women on the head with a telephone book to stop them from making a spectacle on themselves in public places.
They screech and laugh so loudly that it sounds like Improvised Explosive Devices exploding in the room.
It is an embarrassment to everybody around, especially to servicemen who instinctively jumped under their table.

A high-pitched laugh is difficult to take, especially in the morning (when you are still in a slumbering haze) or in the evening, when you try to unwind.
What is it? Exhibitionism? A desperate cry for attention? Look at me, I just got a new haircut, a new dress, new boobs… Look at me!

Put four women together in a room and you have a very combustible situation. The tinniest spark could ignite an explosion.

Contrarily to what has been taught in many schools, it was not men who stormed the Bastille in 1789. I am pretty sure that 60% of the rioters were bored housewives.
They probably texted each other: let’s get together girls, have a drink, suck on a joint and have fun… I know a bistro near La Bastille…

And what do you think happened after a few drinks and a few puffs of Maui Wowie?

They all went crazy, hit a few taverns before joining some drunks hollering for more booze.
A drunken woman has the strength of half a dozen men. You can imagine what they did to the Swiss Guards and the fortress.

As I said before, I like women, but women who behave according to the rules of the Marquess of Queensberry.
No low blows, no head butting and no shrieking or screaming.

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

That’s what I often think when I see (and especially hear) women lapsing into hysterics.

Alain

PS: Excuse me ladies for kvetching, but after a rather painful incident I had to get it off my chest. No hard feelings.

Geese piece

“My trumpeting sounds like a goose farting in the fog.” Alex O’Loughlin

Some of my neighbors are geese. Canada (not Canadian) geese.
I first met them a few years ago in the Las Gallinas Valley Sanitary District. There were hundreds of them quietly resting on the water like a mighty armada.
I have visited them almost daily ever since.

IMG_6818In the molting season (June-July) geese lose their wing feathers and are unable to fly. During this time they loiter in a remote trail area, ready to take to the water if they feel threatened, and there are enough bird droppings on the ground to fertilize a football field.

When meeting them, I thread carefully though their ranks to continue my stroll. They eye me a little suspiciously, moving just at the last minute to let me through.

They are relatively unafraid of people but could become aggressive if they felt that their young were threatened.
To this day I still vividly remember when as a child I was terrorized by a big gander, and I have always kept a healthy respect for these elegant birds.

In August, after the molting interlude, geese are generally able to soar again and they often take to the air to practice flying.
They are excellent flyers, capable of going long distances without stopping.
“They can cover 1,500 miles (2,400 kilometers) in just 24 hours with a favorable wind, but typically travel at a much more leisurely rate.”
They travel in V formations to boost their range and efficiency, just as military planes learned to do.

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Geese are pretty vocal. Unlike ducks, they loudly debate what to do before taking off and continue talking while flying. You can hear them chattering from a great distance.
-Hey Gertrude, I am getting tired, can you take the lead?
-Sure Oscar. No worries.
-Thanks a bunch Gertie.
-Anytime Oscar.

IMG_6983Geese mate for life. They only chose another partner if their mate dies or is killed.
I didn’t know many of these things until I checked the Internet to verify a few facts.

What I vaguely remembered from my student days though, was that geese saved many Romans lives when the Gauls attacked them around B.C. 390.
“The tradition is that when the Gauls invaded Rome a detachment in single file clambered up the hill of the Capitol so silently that the foremost man reached the top without being challenged; but while he was striding over the rampart, some sacred geese, disturbed by the noise, began to cackle, and awoke the garrison.
Marcus Manlius rushed to the wall and hurled the fellow over the precipice. To commemorate this event, the Romans carried a golden goose in procession to the Capitol every year (B.C. 390).”

Geese can be loud but so what? Don’t you have neighbors (and relatives) like that?

Alain

Upgrading, downgrading, horse-trading

“Do not underestimate the determination of a quiet man.”
Iain Duncan Smith

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Upgrade is a very popular term, especially with business.

The New Oxford American Dictionary (my bedside Bible) defines “upgrade” as
“raising (something) to a higher standard, in particular to improve (equipment or machinery) by adding or replacing components.”

I am all for improvement, but sometimes (mainly because of cost) you only want to “downgrade” and when you utter this word, some businessmen perceive this to be as uncouth as breaking wind at a Bar-Mitzvah ceremony.

Downgrade? Sorry sir, we don’t do no stinking downgrade…
I would like to talk to your manager…
You can’t, he is busy upgrading our system.

Irritated by Comcast bloated bill and capricious fee increases, I decided to trim my costs by “downgrading” the services that I have been using for years.
Forsaking Triple Play (Cable TV, Internet, Telephone) I decided to get rid of Comcast phone service and downshift to Double Play (just Cable and Internet).

When you go to the Comcast website there is no obvious “downgrade” option. Like diarrhea, it is not a word that they like to hear (or smell).

In the meantime, I trimmed my sails by purchasing my own modem ($99.94 at Amazon) to replace the Comcast modem that I have been leasing ($10.00 a month) for years.
Surprisingly Comcast fully cooperated with the installation of my new modem and in less than 20 minutes my Mac was up and galloping all over the Internet.

Later on, I went to the local Comcast office to return their modem and inquire about my new (hopefully improved) Double Play bill.
Shockingly it proved to be more costly than what I was paying with Triple Play.
When you “downgrade” (ugly, ugly word) to Double Play, you lose a bunch of perks.
I have to admit that Comcast plays a very good game of chess.

I still wanted to keep my telephone landline but when I got rid of the Comcast modem I lost my landline.
So I went to Verizon who sold me on the idea of using a gizmo called Wireless Home Phone.
No need to plug into a telephone line anymore. All your calls are coming in wirelessly. For $20.00 a month, it is a bargain.

I transferred my telephone number to Verizon, but instead of an instant deal, I had to wait a few days before the transaction could be completed. Why?
If you ask me, I think that dear old Comcast was dragging its feet.

But now, after numerous calls to Comcast’ byzantine “Loyalty” department, I am finally able to use the Internet, TV and phone at much more reasonable rates.

Hey Comcast, if you really had my wellbeing at heart, why didn’t you propose this to me in the first place?
I would have loved you forever instead of just enduring you.

Alain