Au Cochonnet Marin

“It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.”
Tallulah Bankhead  

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You might have possibly noticed that my literary output has shriveled down to a trickle. Lately I have not inked much of anything due to an absorbing preoccupation with an upcoming project. But more about this later…

We humans are creatures of habit. Day in day out we unconsciously observe the same rituals. Personally, I have breakfast, answer my e-mail and peruse the news (in English and in French) on my computer.

This morning for instance I noticed with pleasure that Ludivine (I like that name) made the headlines.
She is only 2 ½ year old, but she finished 7^th out of 165 runners in Alabama half-marathon (13 miles).
Granted she is a bloodhound, but still a good performance. Congrats Ludi!

 

Then I read that nude statues in a Rome museum were covered up in order to avoid hurting the sensibilities of Hassan Rouhani, Iran’s visiting president.
If you ask me, what Iran needs above all are not lucrative contracts with European nations, but a wave of Boobomania to rid their country of its religious straightjacket and its excessive prudery.
Down with the morality police and up with the boobs. Free the nipples!

Then I noticed that in France taxi drivers and air traffic controllers are on strike. Again.
The taxi drivers in particular are very unhappy with Uber that is “stealing” rides from them. They want to keep their lucrative racket to themselves but they are a snotty, ignorant bunch.
Get over it, you idiots. Uber and similar companies are here to stay. They are better organized, more flexible, more courteous, and cheaper than the cabbies.
My advice: if you cannot beat them, join them before you become irrelevant. And with driverless cars around the corner, if I were you, i would definitely consider a drastic career move.

Then this: “Saudi Arabia’s royal family gave Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak a $681 million gift, an investigation revealed Tuesday — but officials ruled there was no corruption involved.”
No corruption involved! Beautiful! I like that.

I also took notice that Woody Allen made a deal with Amazon to create a TV series.
Nothing wrong with that, but to my surprise Woody hired that insufferable bimbo Miley Cyrus to be one of the main characters.
We all know that she can twerk and catch flies with her tongue, but can she act? That remains to be seen.

Then I heard through the grapevines that “Les Paniers de Noel“ the world famous coitus interruptus San Francisco tournament is still in limbo.
Everything depends on the good will of the Rain Gods (there are plenty of them) and frankly we have not done much to please them.
We need to sacrifice a virgin or a Tea-Partier to mollify and beg them to momentarily stop the wet stuff to allow us to complete our much-delayed tournament.

After assessing the news, I like to take “un bain de foule”, in other words mix with my fellow mortals. I usually go to a coffee shop and have a cup of java in order to observe the fauna of Marin County. It comes in all shapes and sizes.
I have noticed that lately, women are wearing a lot of leggings as pants.
They might be comfortable, but sometimes they are not flattering.

Excuse my French but if you have an oversized booty, leggings are not for you. They showcase a part of your anatomy that should be kept unnoticed.
But we still live in a (pre-Donald) free country.
Hell, if it feels good, do it. It’s no skin off my nose.

Aloha!

Alain

“Destiny has two ways of crushing us – by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them.”
Henri Frederic Amiel

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 In other words, be careful what you wish for because unbeknownst to most, there are always pesky strings attached.

The latest big story making the news has been the Powerball Lottery with an obscene jackpot of over $1.5 billion. To make sure that I am making myself clear, 1billion = 1,000,000,000,000 (twelve zeros) dollars.

The lucky (?) people whose wishes have been fulfilled might be in for a nasty surprise.

As Roman rhetorician Marcus Fabius Quintilianus said a long time ago: “Nothing is more dangerous to men than a sudden change of fortune.”

The inconspicuous silky strings (five times stronger than steel) hanging from the jackpot might very well ensnare and destroy you.

The most common consequences of winning big jackpots are: loss of friends, divorces, lawsuits, and yes, murder.
And few people are smart enough to escape unscathed the lottery winning curse.

You cannot undo a wish come true, but if you are semi-smart, the first thing to do if you win big is to go underground and scrub your Facebook and all your other social media accounts.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that your vaunted Facebook friends will immediately want to strengthen their friendship with you. And so will the relatives that you have not spoken to since Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.

You should also change your name (it can be done), possibly your face, your phone number, your e-mail address and preferably move to another country. Switzerland might be nice. If you can (discreetly) prove that your are well off, the Swiss won’t quibble.

If you are in a shaky relationship, your winnings will immediately start open warfare.
You might welcome a divorce, but it is going to cost you big time. And you will never be sure that your next paramour will fancy you for your looks or for your cash.

Don’t be a numbskull. If you ever come into money, don’t be a Donald. Be a Whitey Bulger.

Wishing upon a star is a dangerous hobby. If you want to live happily ever after, scale down your wishes (a good meal, a pétanque win, good health) and enjoy the small things that Lady Luck granted you.

Keep in mind that there are always strings attached, even on the 72 virgins.

One last thing… if I personally ever win big at the lottery (extremely unlikely) I have never known any of you.

On second thought, if you happen to come into money, let’s do lunch. I have an extremely interesting proposition for you.

Your pragmatic advisor

Alain aka Iznogoud

 

 

Why do we have so many angry young men in the Middle East?
Why are they so easily driven to fight or blow themselves to bits?
Are they really battling for a New Caliphate or Sharia Law?
I very much doubt that.

I have my own theory about that.
These young men don’t give a flying fig about the Caliphate; they are just fighting for sex. All their heinous crimes are hormone driven and the results of intense sexual frustration.

In Muslim countries women are sequestered and jealously guarded by their relatives. Hanky-panky is absolutely forbidden and can have deadly consequences.

Unlike most western countries where sex outside marriage is now readily accepted, a young Muslim man must get married in order to have sexual intercourse.
And there lies the conundrum.
They usually cannot get married if they are jobless and penniless, and most of them are.
Therefore intense frustration.

It is the promise of unlimited sex (sex slaves on earth and virgins in Paradise) that drives these hormone driven young men to fight. Delusional victory holds the tantalizing promise of the forbidden fruit.

But many Muslims tired of the constant fighting are seeking their fortunes somewhere else. They flee, leaving most of their possessions behind but taking with them (alas) their antiquated beliefs.

Once out of their repressive, absurdly strait-laced countries, young males are acting like a pack of hungry hyenas. They think that any woman in plain sight is good for the taking. They have absolutely no respect for the other sex.

As proven by recent incidents in Switzerland, Austria, Germany, Denmark, Sweden and Finland, sexual harassment of women by refugees is getting out of control.

“Rafi Ibrahim, a Syrian who has lived in Denmark for years, said new migrants don’t know how to behave around women in Western society.
He said: ‘If they see a girl, they go nuts. They simply can’t handle it.
‘In Syria and many other countries, it is not normal for a strange woman to smile at you.” 

 Well-meaning but misguided Angela Merkel must bear responsibility for opening Europe’s floodgates to a quasi-unlimited number of asylum seekers.

It is time to raise the drawbridges and stop the Muslim influx in the West.
Most of the western countries are slowly starting to understand the danger and starting to close their borders but it might already be too late.

I have very little sympathy for organized religion and absolutely none at all (especially after the Bataclan bloodbath in Paris) for Islam.
Do what you please in your own country, but don’t try to impose your barbarous customs and misogynistic behavior anywhere else.

Batten down the hatches and raise the drawbridges my politically incorrect friends. Don’t let Islam’s Trojan horses inside your walls.

Alain