Au Cochonnet Marin

Hello my American kindred spirits! Are you going planning to go to France soon? And if so, how is your vocabulary?

If you feel a little uncertain, let me do my bit for the holidays. I am offering you 10 common expressions that are sure to endear you to French natives. Memorize them and use them adequately carefully to impress your Gallic friends.

« Pisser dans un violon » (to piss in a violin)
  To waste time on something futile

« Péter plus haut que son cul » (to fart higher than his arse)
  Full of himself, pretentious

« Il ne faut pas pousser mémé dans les orties » (don’t shove grandma in the nettles)
  Don’t push it too far

“Pédaler dans la choucroute“ (to pedal in sauerkraut)
 Trying hard but achieving very little

« Les carottes sont cuites » (the carrots are cooked)
 The jig is up

“Avoir le cul bordé de nouilles” (to have your ass lined with noodles)
  To be extremely lucky

« Pas piqué des hannetons” (Not spoiled by cockchafers)
  High-quality product

« Ça casse pas les briques » (it does not break the bricks)
  It is not very exciting

« Il me court sur le haricot» (he is running on my bean)
  He is bugging me

“J’ai la frite” (I have a French fry)
 I feel great

Got it? A vos marques… Prêts… Partez! You can thank me later.

Alain

I have been driving a car for a long time. Longer than I care to remember.
I first obtained my driver’s license in Paris, a few months before being drafted in the French army.
During my first few days as a conscript, our sergeant asked us who knew how to drive. Expecting a cushy driver job some of us said that we did.
OK said the man, pilot these wheelbarrows to the parade ground and pick up the dead leaves. So much for volunteering!

I originally learned how to drive on a Renault “Dauphine”, a cute little rear-engine car equipped with a manual transmission. Driving a vehicle with an automatic transmission is easier but it was not readily available in those days… and anyway, handling a stick is so much more fun than passively following your car’s directives.

A few days ago the California DMV graciously invited me to renew my driving license before my next birthday. A written test will have to be completed they said.
Very kind of you I thought, but I didn’t like the smell of it. This formality intimidated me. Like any seasoned driver, I know (most) of the road rules, but don’t ask me about statistics or figures. Don’t ask me about fines, distances, percentages… I absolutely don’t know the answers and I don’t think that knowing these details is necessary.

But the DMV ridiculously insists that I should be cognizant of these pesky numbers if I want to continue driving. Curse you DMV bullies!
Yes, I want to continue driving so I started to cram online for my upcoming exam; the questions asked confirmed to me that some of them are pointless.

For instance:

For an underage driver, a blood alcohol concentration (BAC) of _______ gives California authorities the legal right to arrest the individual.

0.01%
0.03%
0.00%
0.05%

Do you know the answer? Be honest, Santa is watching.
I am well aware that I should not drink and drive and this is good enough for me. I don’t need to know what exact percentage of alcohol in my bloodstream can send me to the pokey.

But driving is synonymous with self-reliance and I am fiercely independent. I don’t want to rely on anybody to take me anywhere… even though I belatedly discovered that being driven has a few advantages. For instance, you can snooze while somebody else is behind the wheel…

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

Well, I have a date (yes you need an appointment) with the DMV a few days after Christmas. Wish me luck, or as we say in France “merde” (break a leg).

Alain

Those libidinous cretins who sexually harassed women never had any idea of what they were doing. Anybody with half a brain knows that you don’t seduce a woman by forcing yourself on her; you let her come to you. You attract the ladies with a lure, and the ultimate bait in this domain is a puppy.

Nobody, absolutely nobody can resist the antics of a young dog. At least not me. I literally melt when I see one and I absolutely have to pet it.

Most of the women feel the same way. You don’t have to use any devious trick to pull them in. They will approach you on their own to fondle your little “accroche-coeur”. A puppy you should know, is pure Kryptonite. Even the Man of Steel is powerless when confronted with it.

After the lady approaches you and pets the pup, it is up to you to charm her. According to Marilyn Monroe “If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.” I absolutely believe that. So along with your puppy bring a few witty remarks; one of those could be the arrow that penetrates the heart of your Dulcinea.

As you can see, there is absolutely no need for grabbing or do anything contrary to good taste.

When you are looking for love, puppy power is the way to go. Never mind these dating sites where creeps pretend to be what they are not. When somebody approaches your puppy, you can see what he or she looks like and how he/she behaves. Your puppy might even sniff out the phony, the “pretend” puppy lover and pee on her/his shoes.

So, don’t grope… get a puppy. And even if your little guy proves unable to snare (difficult to believe) a would-be lover, you will still have somebody who will love you like nobody ever will.

Andy Rooney said, “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” I believe that.

So ladies and gentlemen, don’t look for love in the wrong places. If you want to find “l’amour” get a puppy!
It is beyond a shadow of a doubt the ultimate chick/dude magnet!

Alain