Au Cochonnet Marin

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. ~ Andy Borowitz

I believe so Andy. But let’s start from the beginning…

Christmas is an annual event commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ. It is observed on December 25 by billions of people around the world… whether they are Christians or not. Even the Chinese (keen traders) have now taken to celebrate that holiday…

So far so good, but we are also told that “Jesus came into the world to atone for the sins of humanity…”

To atone for the sins of humanity… Um… I don’t mean to be rude, but this is a very tall story… a skyscraper of a story…

I am a doubting Thomas; I cannot help it. I don’t buy fanciful stories without direct personal experience. So, I will recuse myself from believing that tale and propose my own (true) version of the creation of Christmas.

Christmas Day was in reality created by a cartel of merchants to boost the sales of frankincense and myrrh. And they did well; especially after choosing Jesus (a nice Jewish boy) as a poster boy.

They did so well, that after a while all the other merchants jumped on the bandwagon and promulgated the story for their own benefit.

I did not want to deflate your balloon, but you will have to admit that this story is much more plausible than the one peddled by evangelists.

There is no question that merchants played a significant part in promoting this day and they all benefited from it.

The true miracle Of Christmas though I that so many nations with so many different beliefs finally managed to agree on something… without any blood spilling!

So, are we square on that story?

My French cousins have a saying « Les petits cadeaux entretiennent l’amitié.” Small gifts nurture friendship… it is true, but I will hasten to add that big gifts corrupt.

I think that we have gone overboard with the gift-giving business. A child today gets so many presents that he does not know what to do with them all. We are therefore corrupting them with the belief that bigger is better.

Call me a party pooper, but I feel (as seen on TV) that a single well-chosen present per child is the right way to celebrate Christmas.
Anathema! will cry all the merchants. Crucify that heathen for his heretic beliefs!

Since all the shopkeepers will undoubtedly put a price on my head, you will not see me for a while. I am in hiding, wearing a rug and dark glasses.

But from my secret underground location, I still want to wish you un Joyeux Noel and a happy New year!

Alain

Santa was worried. The big guy tried to project a jolly composure but he was clearly perturbed.

His wife kept nagging him about losing weight… and getting a more up to date outfit.
What’s wrong with this one he had asked. It is comfortable, colorful and everybody likes it…
Not everybody mon petit chou, said Mrs. Claus. In America, some “patriots” are complaining that your red suit is promoting communism… and anti-guns laws.

Ah, come on… These guys are off their rockers Liebchen… I don’t even know if I should bother to stop at the Bunker this year. First of all, the reindeers are complaining about a foul smell over Washington, and I am not sure that any of the White House fauna deserve any present…
This impeachment business is very bad publicity and it cannot look like Santa is rewarding mythomaniacs… This would hurt my good-guy image. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are watching me and I must behave with extreme caution.

Besides the White House’s sorry business, Amazon is giving me unfair competition. This “Prime” business is greatly hurting my own operation. Daily delivery against yearly delivery, and presents for anybody who asks? regardless of criminal record? It is immoral and despicable.

Then the elves are talking about unionizing… After all that I have done for them! Talking about ingratitude… I will show them who is boss.

And the reindeers have started to behave strangely. Especially Dasher. He has hinted that his gang wants better food, shorter hours and a better guidance system. The nerves of these guys… Who do they think they are? French rail workers? I won’t be intimidated by animals!

To top it all, Santa had been preoccupied with some disturbing rumors of groping and sexual harassment. His wife had told him a few times that he had to stop his lap sitting routine, but he could not resolve to do it.

Without this shtick, I would not be the Jolly Good Guy, he had said. I must continue old traditions otherwise it will be lost forever.

But RAINN and EROC were not mollified. Their respective lawyers sent intimidating letters to Santa Inc. Cease and desist they had said… or else!

Damn women! They are getting too far. Suing Santa for hearsay? I will countersue! I will hire the Devil himself, or if he is too busy, Giuliani… he is good at this sort of thing…

I will do my rounds, but I must think of a killer algorithm to streamline my operation. Mister Bezos wants a fight? I will give him a good one.

Let it be known that nobody messes with Santa, not the Prez or the king of Amazon.

Alain

Dans la vie, le courant passe ou ne passe pas… c’est comme ça.

Vous rencontrez quelqu’un, vous échangez quelques mots, une plaisanterie, et vous savez très vite s’il y a contact… si le courant passe…

Cela peut arriver n’importe où. Au bistrot, à la poste, lors d’une conversation téléphonique, dans la rue…
Ce matin je m‘offre un café-crème dans un « coffee shop » local… la grande serveuse noire me dit bonjour et me sourit, on plaisante… le courant passe !

Je me rends ensuite chez Comcast pour essayer de modifier un vieux contrat. L’employé de service lève à peine les yeux, et avant même que je termine d’exposer la raison de ma visite, il me dit « ce n’est pas possible ». Le courant ne passe pas !

Le sourire est un atout majeur dans la panoplie de tout individu. Utilisé à propos, il peut ouvrir plus de portes qu’un serrurier chevronné.

Un sourire coûte moins cher que l’électricité, mais il donne autant de lumière. L’Abbé Pierre

Le courant souvent ne passe quand il y a une différence de milieu social. Le vocabulaire et le maniérisme des deux classes sont trop différents pour paver les nids de poule.

Plus près de chez nous, l’Ogre de la Maison Blanche souvent croasse et menace… Il ne sourit pas;  ça passe mal ! très mal. A crier constamment haro sur le baudet, on perd sa voix et sa crédibilité.

Lorsque vous rencontrez un homme trop las pour vous sourire, offrez-lui le vôtre. 

 N’oubliez pas. Pour que le courant passe, allumez votre sourire !

Pour conclure cette petite fantaisie française en si mineur, permettez-moi de vous offrir un bouquet de sourires odorants, et vous souhaiter un joyeux Noel et une heureuse nouvelle année.

À un de ces quatre… !

Alain

Deux sourires qui se rapprochent finissent par faire un baiser. Victor Hugo