Au Cochonnet Marin

I receive “friends requests” on Facebook rather regularly, It is flattering, and at the same time a little intriguing.

I am not averse to “friendship” mind you, but before we (virtually) rub elbows, I would like to know a little bit more about you. Asking me to become your friend is like inviting me for a date. And I am a little choosy in this domain…You would not venture out with a totally unknown person, would you? Your prospective date could be a white supremacist, a Russian spy, a hired assassin, a Goth, or worse, a Trumpist…

Before agreeing to a request, I check the quester’s profile, and very often I draw a blank. His/her outline is as virginal as the driven snow. Absolutely no clue who they are, where they live or what they do. Two or three blurry, insignificant pictures and that’s it.

Why would a stranger request to be my “friend” without giving me the slightest tip about him/herself? This is not the way friendship works. Before we become amigos, I want to know what makes you tick… Because what is a friend?

“A friend is your buddy, your pal, your amigo, your comrade. You know, someone you trust and like enough to hang out with on a regular basis.”

OK then, how can I trust you if I don’t know anything about you?

If you want to become “mon ami” you also need to tell me about you, maybe to woo me, to praise me a little. You have read my stories, you have seen my photographs, you have seen me doing wonders on the pétanque field… you idolize me.

« Que vous êtes joli ! que vous me semblez beau ! »
How pretty you are! you look so gorgeous to me!

If I fail to see any of these, I will usually ignore your request. My standard policy is “show me yours, I’ll show you mine.” You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

To sum it up…

If you want to be my friend, you will have to tell me a little bit about you. Even if you don’t entirely fit the bill, we might still have enough in common to become quasi-friends.

Alain

Hé ! bonjour, Monsieur du Corbeau.
Que vous êtes joli ! que vous me semblez beau !
Sans mentir, si votre ramage
Se rapporte à votre plumage,
Vous êtes le Phénix des hôtes de ces bois.»

Jean de la Fontaine

Like a menacing cobra, the Moronavirus is rearing its ugly head!
Just when you thought that the pandemic was abating, it might get worse. A second wave of the dreaded Coronavirus is sweeping the country and it might be deadlier than the first one.

The culprit is the Moronavirus and it is as cunning and deadly as its cousin. It is a light and nimble traveler that likes to hitch rides on easy marks, and there seem to be plenty of them around. The Morona is like a flea; it has prodigiously strong hindlimbs, and it takes just a short jump to find a new place to live and multiply.

Unlike the Coronavirus that was originally thought to only threaten older folks , the Moronavirus seems to be fonder of younger crowds. The kind of young adults (?) who like to party while guzzling loads of suds.

These airheads don’t seem to believe that the enemy is still among us. Out of sight, out mind, right? After 2 months of confinement, and especially when the sun is shining, they are itching to get out and live it up. Some think that social distancing is just a “socialist” plot to keep them from having fun. Masks be damned as well!

We are young and healthy and there are few chances that the Moronavirus will attack us. Vulnerable? we are too active to be… Live for the present… who knows what tomorrow will bring…

What about spreading this disease to other people?  If they don’t like it, let them stay away from us.
But you will eventually come in contact with friends, relatives, colleagues…  and Moronavirus loves to schmooze…
We will take a chance! After all, life is a gamble. We want to have fun while we can.

All right…
By the way, do you know why this virus is called Moronavirus? You don’t? It was named in honor of its friends… it still does not ring a bell?

What if I said:

Airhead, birdbrain, blockhead, bonehead, cretin, dimwit, dodo, donkey, doofus dope, dork, dullard, dumdum, dummkopf, dummy, dunce, dunderhead, fathead, half-wit, idiot, ignoramus, knucklehead, moron, nitwit…

Or, egocentric, egotistical, egomaniacal, self-centered, self-regarding, self-obsessed, self-seeking, self-serving, wrapped up in oneself, thoughtless, unthinking uncaring, heedless…

Still don’t get it?

Lawd, forgive them blockheads!

Alain

“The Board members have discussed the serious situation with the contagious nature of this virus and the unknown spike that might come when the County starts to lighten some of the restrictions.

After much consideration, we have decided to cancel the remainder of the tournaments on our 2020 Calendar.” Christine Cragg (LPM President)

Holy guacamole! Do I understand that there will be no pétanque until 2021?
It is getting from bad to worse my fellow pétanquistes! The world needs to launch a coordinated effort to eradicate this damn virus that is messing up our lives… otherwise it might be the end of civilization as we know it.

When I was a child, the old folks used an ancestral remedy to fight just about any kind of illness. This magic potion was called “gnôle” and it was way more potent than the “wonder drug” touted by the President. It would put you in a temporary coma, and you would wake up (or not) later rejuvenated. We ought to give it a try… before injecting ourselves with Lysol.
By the way, I just forgot to tell you that gnôle translates as « booze » in English.

 But let’s come back to our sheep!

Pétanque is not a high energy activity, but it still gets you out of the house and compels you to run the old human machine. When you play pétanque, you do it for at least 3 or 4 hours at a time, and close to 6 hours, when you compete in a tournament.

Some people not familiar with this discipline don’t realize what huge mental and health benefits it provides. This important social activity relieves stress and provides healthy cardio to all the participants.

Believe it or not, but you are burning a significant number of calories. I could not get the exact figures, but by comparison bowling burns between 219 and 273 calories/hour. I will let you do the math.

So, both our minds and bodies badly need this activity, and both will significantly suffer if deprived of it for a long period of time. In my eyes this pastime (much more than religious practices) is “essential” and should be allowed to restart within the shortest delay.

Now (please don’t laugh) I long to hear Le Facteur’s legendary battle cry “Jean-Michel”.

I understand that a vaccine (our only saving grace) is going through some accelerated trials in different parts of the world. If it succeeds, it will be the penicillin of our century and will prove one more time that science is far better medicine than politics.

Remember this in November!

Alain