Category: Fourre-tout

All mothers, Jewish or not, want their daughters to marry a doctor, or a healthcare professional… because that’s where the status and the Big Moolah are.

According to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, fifteen of the top 25 highest-paying occupations are healthcare positions. And at the top of this vertiginous pyramid, you have anesthesiologists, making over 300K a year. A little less than the President of the United States, but with much less sniping and worries.

But this does not mean that, due to a shortage of healthcare professionals, your daughters are destined to remain single. Besides healthcare, plenty of other occupations provide a good income. Manual labor, for instance, once spurned by mother hens, can also deliver good wages… and it does not take years of study to master their trade.

Electricians and plumbers have always been the butt of many jokes, and for good reasons. Even little jobs like replacing a faucet or an electric switch can be expensive, and I am pretty sure many people are familiar with the following joke.

“A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “I know, neither did I when I was a doctor.”

When you are buying a house, it will behoove you to take a few classes in plumbing and electric work. It could save you a bundle when common little problems arise. They might not be major crises, but they are inconvenient, and the missus does not like to be inconvenienced.

So, to keep your marital vessel sailing smoothly, you have two options: do the job yourself, or hire a professional… and get a second job. If you don’t feel totally confident, I would recommend the second option… or maybe solicit the hidden talents of your mate to perform the operation. Remember, a woman can do any job a man can do… and often better.

“Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country.” Margaret Thatcher

Someday, an electrician (or a comedian) will run the country, and I would rather have that than a fly-by-night “businessman”.

Alain

When you get a little older, you often get, as we used to say in my old neighborhood “les portugaises ensablées” (oysters/ears full of sand).

Yes, because of the accumulation of sand in your “oyster” canal, you don’t hear as well as you used to, and it becomes important to listen more carefully to the person who is talking to you. But often, despite your best efforts, you don’t catch much of what is being said. And it is not entirely your fault, as some people would be quick to point out.

It has something to do with phonetics “The production of speech that looks at the interaction of different vocal organs, for example, the lips, tongue, and teeth, to produce particular sounds.”

 Many, many people don’t speak properly. They mumble, they slur their words, they don’t articulate, they ignore syntax, they speak too low, too fast, or like Eliza Doolittle, they speak with an unpleasant accent. These poor souls are often unaware of this flaw, and unfortunately, it is not something that you would mention in polite society.

And then, there is also the pitch factor, the degree of highness or lowness of a tone. Women and children speaking in higher pitched voices are sometimes difficult to hear and understand.

Even on television, where it is extremely important to be clearly understood, many presenters don’t articulate properly. Many of them would do themselves a big favor by taking a few lessons from Professor Henry Higgins. They would have to attend daily classes until they could properly say “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!”

And to get a passing grade, Professor Higgins would have to finally say, “By George, she/he got it.”

 So, as you can see, we “les durs de la feuille” are not entirely to blame for some awkward conversations. In a perfect world, everybody would speak with a mellifluous voice and there would not be any misunderstandings anywhere. There would be no wars.

I feel that since Ukrainian and Russian don’t sound exactly alike, Vladimir Putin might have misunderstood Volodymyr Zelensky and decided to grab a chunk of his territory to teach him how to speak Russian correctly. Actually, any excuse would have done.

Do you see how far this problem could go? So, I urge all the unskilled speakers to carefully watch their mouths, clean their teeth and exercise their tongues before uttering anything. We, the people with a standard pitch are tolerant, but you should not push us too far.

Thank you for your valuable cooperation.

Alain

When the unending distressing daily news gets to you, keep calm… and book a pedicure. It will soothe your soul… and your soles. Pedicures, you should know, are the ultimate stress reliever. I can vouch for it. I have done it many times… no later than this morning.

“According to many sources, the history of pedicures goes back 4000 years to the civilizations of Babylon, China, and Egypt and it was then that this practice of looking after one’s feet started.”

 I am pretty sure that (after her camel milk bath) Cleopatra insisted on a pedicure, and what was satisfying to Cleo, will certainly be pleasing to all of us.

When I was young and stupid, I would do the job myself, but it was never as satisfying as having somebody else do it for you. Now that I am wiser (and not as flexible as when I was stupid) I go to a local “nail salon” to have my toes pampered.

And it is done extremely well… mainly by Vietnamese women. They do a thorough job, soaking, cutting, sanding, oiling, and massaging your extremities. But they labor without ever uttering a word, which can be a little disconcerting… especially to a Frenchman. We Latins are born to talk and to kid.

So, to break the monotony of the procedure, I engaged my toe specialist with an innocuous question. She answered with an accented, thin voice, without looking at me. Since my hearing is not perfect anymore and since she was wearing a mask, I didn’t comprehend a single word of her answer. But being a diplomat, I smiled politely and nodded my head in a positive manner.

This was the extent of our conversation. When dealing with a woman, a Frenchman will almost always try to make her laugh. How can you remain indifferent when a man tries so hard to charm you? In French, this badinage is called “conter fleurette » or flirting, as the English-speaking folks would say.

But this time, my legendary charm did not seem to work. My pedicure lady remained as silent and unmoved as the Egyptian Sphinx.

Oh well, win some, lose some. But most important my toes are happy. At the end of the procedure, they bowed and wiggled approvingly. And when your toes are happy, it takes a lot of weight off your feet… and your mind.

If you are stressed, get a pedicure. Tell them Alain sent you.

Alain