Category: Fourre-tout

A little bit of everything

Slowpokes

I will be the first to admit it, I am not patient.
I don’t like to wait. It is a waste of time, and time is a luxury that should be better spent doing something preferably immoral.
I don’t like to wait especially when there are no obvious reasons for doing so.

rondsdecuirVery often, the holdup is created by some pen pusher’s laziness or worse, incompetence, and nobody should be penalized for that.

My motto has always been: lead or get out of the way.

This is especially true on the freeway.
Nothing bugs me more than a slowpoke lollygagging at 60 miles per hour in the fast lane.
In Europe the aptly named “fast lane” is only for passing. You pass a car and you immediately swing to the right to clear the way. That’s common courtesy.
If you don’t, people will start flashing their headlights and honk relentlessly until you get out of the way.

In America, when the posted speed limit is 65 mph some people feel that as long as they are traveling at that speed, they are entitled to stay in that lane.
Yo, not so bitch! (I cannot help speaking like Jesse Pinkman).
If you are a certified slowpoke, you belong to the extreme right lane. And even there you could (and should) be tagged for impeding traffic.

On German Autobahns generally speaking there is no speed limit. The driver may drive as fast as he can as long as he is in full control of the vehicle.

I was once on such a freeway driving a rented car. Just for kicks, I decided to speed up to see how fast I would dare to go.
I was suddenly going around 90 mph in the fast lane and feeling pretty cocky about it.
I glanced at my rearview mirror (something that you should always do) and behind me I saw a car fast approaching. Judging by my own speed, this car must have been traveling at around 120 mph. It looked like a flying panzer ready to blast anything in its path.
I immediately swung to the right to clear the way for that homicidal maniac.

a-strangelove_0When driving on German freeways some people start feeling like Dr. Strangelove. Their right foot acquires a mind of its own and can barely be controlled.
They sometimes feel like shouting “Zu Befehl Mein Führer” when their right foot crushes the accelerator.

But I digress…

The best way to deal with slowpokes is to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Fight fire with fire.

If somebody ever made you wait unnecessarily, return the favor and the first chance you get, keep the miscreant twisting in the wind for a long time.
Procrastinate, delay, postpone, defer until he cries uncle and swear on a stack of pétanque bibles to never make you wait again.

If he persists being disrespectful, feel free to drop him/her from your BFF (Best Friend Forever) list without further ado.

“I should learn patience, it’s a shame there’s no time for that.”
Maija Haavisto, The Atlas Moth

Alain La Foudre

 

Breaking Bad

Like millions of Americans I am now suffering from post-withdrawal syndrome.
A sense of loss, discomfort, that occurs after withdrawal from alcohol, opiates or watching Breaking Bad.

After weeks of following the saga of Walter White, I feel an acute sense of loss after the series concluded on September 29, 2013.
My main frustration though stems from the fact that I am not privy to what ultimately happened to all the characters, and who will live and who will die.

Netflix has not yet released the last six episodes of the show and I don’t know when they will. Therefore my extreme annoyance.

Breaking bad (in the American Southwest parlance) means to turn against the system, defy authority and engage in criminal activities.
In the Netflix television series it tells the story of fallen angel Walter White, mild-mannered high school chemistry teacher turned methamphetamine dealer.

The fascination (should I say addiction?) with this show started innocently enough.
Utterly disgusted by the amount of commercials shown on television stations, I looked for an alternative to this endless misery and found refuge in Netflix.
Netflix is commercial free and this alone is worth the modest monthly fee that you pay to watch their offerings.

A few weeks after my wife started watching it, and despite some misgivings, I began to monitor Breaking Bad and soon became addicted to it.

Walter WhiteIn a few words, Breaking Bad tells the story of Walter White aka Heisenberg, a chemistry teacher living in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Walter is financially squeezed and at the beginning of the show he is shown working after-hours at a carwash to make ends meet.

After being diagnosed with lung cancer and told that he has at most two years to live, Walt (using his chemistry knowledge) “breaks bad” and resolves to manufacture amphetamine (“blue meth”) to ensure his family’s financial security after he dies.

The story basically tells the story of an ordinary man who inexorably turned to cold-blooded killer. It is gradual, for Walter originally is a decent, principled man. But little by little he starts getting delusions of grandeur, becomes greedy and despite the danger and his wife’s pleas he refuses to quit the business.

My purpose here is not to tell you the entire story, but to let you know why America became so enamored with Breaking Bad.
Little by little we become involved with all the characters and long to know the ultimate fate of Walter, Skyler, Jesse (Bitch) Pinkman, Hank and Saul (Call Saul).

I won’t tell you since I don’t know myself, but stay tuned, I might be able to shed some light on this story later on.

As Jesse Pinkman would say: yo, later bitch!

Alain La Foudre

 

Parlez-vous pétanque?

IMG_8540OK, so now you can play pétanque fairly decently… you can point and you can almost shoot, but does that make you a genuine pétanque player?
Could you go to France and feel comfortable playing with the natives?
I don’t think so!
Regardless of your newly acquired skills, you cannot pretend to be a real pétanque player without speaking the lingo.
It would be like eating sushi with a fork!

To help you fully integrate the pétanque fraternity, I have gathered a few words and expressions that you could (carefully) use to ingratiate yourself with the Snail Eaters.

Biberon: (un) a baby bottle. A boule hugging the cochonnet.

Bien joué! Well played!

Boule Devant: Boule in front. The French say “Boule devant, boule d’argent” (a boule in front is worth its weight of silver).

Bras d’or (un): Golden arm. A player with a golden arm is an individual who plays extremely well.

Casquette (une) A cap. A shot when a boule bounces off the top of the target boule without moving it.

Casser le bras (break the arm): To distract a player when he is shooting. Tu me casses le bras! (You are breaking my arm).

Baiser Fanny: To kiss Fanny.
According to tradition, when players lose 13-0, they must kiss the buttocks of a woman called Fanny (usually a cardboard cut-out).
Caution: use the word “baiser” very carefully. It could mean either kiss or fuck.

Les pieds dans le rond! Feet in the circle!

Plomber: consists of throwing a boule relatively high in the air (like a mortar shot) to land it and make it stop it near the cochonnet.

Poussette (une): a little push. To slightly push one of your team’s boule toward the cochonnet.

Têtard (un). “Téter » means “to suck”. Therefore a “têtard” is a boule that literally sucks (hugs) the cochonnet.

Tirer au fer: shoot the iron. To hit an opponent’s boule without touching the ground.

Merde: Shit. Indispensable French word when playing pétanque (or doing practically anything else).

Putain: Whore. Exclamation of wonder, or disappointment. To be used carefully.

Hope that this will help.
See you on the field.

Alain La Foudre