Category: Fourre-tout

A little bit of everything

DBAA

Everybody abides (or should abide) by a small list of principles.
A kind of personalized Ten Commandments.

Regardless of your beliefs, the very first commandment on that list should be: DBAA. Don’t be an asshole.

Scholars agree that this sentence was first recorded when Moses parleyed with Pharaoh.

-Let my people go Pharaoh.
-In your dreams, Big Mo.
–Don’t be an asshole Pharaoh. Let my people go.
Get lost Matzo Boy!
And so the die was cast.

This admonition should also sound familiar to “Breaking Bad” fans. This is what Jane Margolis (Jesse Pinkman’s landlord and girlfriend) advises Jesse not to be.
It is a wise recommendation!

To avoid being an asshole, one should always remember to “put his brain in gear before putting his mouth in motion.”
Especially in view of the Miranda warning “Anything you say or do may be used against you in a court of law” and the ubiquitous presence of recording devices.

Whatever you say in a fit of anger or passion (or even worse, cold-bloodedly) will come back and bite you in the “derriere” (and hopefully in the wallet).
It is like a boomerang. In worst cases, it will come back to you and kiss you, Mafia style.

When you slight somebody you should rightly expect retribution because no bad deed should go unpunished.

Vase de SoissonsFrench kids are particularly familiar with the story of the Soissons Vase.

No one is immune from “assholitis”.
It is a debilitating disease that is strangely similar to dementia.
Those afflicted by it exhibit impaired reasoning, delusions of grandeur, arrogance and paranoia.
They are anti-social, rude, intolerant and misogynistic. Attitudes that should not be tolerated anywhere.

Assholitis is an equal opportunity sickness and there is no-known cure for it.

The best protection against these lunatics is to put them in a virtual isolation ward.
Surround them with a wall of silence and let them marinate in their bitter, hateful brew.

Alain

For Lea

Some people requested that I translate the previous story, so here you are:

*************

Short story for young children.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Coquelicot (Poppy).
She was given that name because she always smiled like a flower caressed by the sun, and also because she had brightly colored red hair.
She was six years old and she was always hanging out with a dog going by the name of Loustic (Joker).
Loustic was only two but he was much stronger and he could run much faster than Coquelicot.

Loustic and Coquelicot were friends because Coquelicot always understood what Loustic said.
Grownups don’t understand the language of animals, but some children can and Coquelicot was one of these special children.
Loustic also understood everything that Coquelicot said, but sometimes when he didn’t want to, he pretended that he did not understand.

Since she lived close to a forest, one day Coquelicot decided to go mushroom picking.
She left her house, escorted by Loustic who went scouting ahead.

A little later, while busily picking mushrooms, Coquelicot forgot about Loustic who disappeared checking some mysterious scents.
Suddenly she heard a noise behind her, in the bushes.
She turned around and saw something looking like a big pig with very stiff hair.
The beast looked at her and grunted.

Coquelicot got scared and screamed “Loustic, help, help!”
Loustic came running and asked “arf, arf?” which everybody knows means “what, what?”
There is a big beast that really scared me Loustic…
A big beast? Arf, arf? (which can also mean: Where? Where?)
Behind me, in the bushes…
Don’t move Coquelicot, I’ll take care of him.
And he disappeared running and barking very loudly.

He came back a little later and declared: the enemy has been routed!
Coquelicot kissed him and gave him a mushroom as a reward.
Loustic did not really like mushrooms, but he pretended that he did.
A few minutes later though, he discreetly spit out everything he had in his mouth.

Coquelicot kissed him again and Loustic kissed her back with his big red tongue.
Thank you Loustic, said Coquelicot, you saved my life.
Of course Coquelicot. You are my best friend!

The end.

Alain

Fouteurs de merde

I might be repeating myself, but in view of recent events, it is worth repeating.

***************

From time immemorial there have always been bullies.

They are low self-esteem individuals who use verbal or physical abuse to compensate for their own insecurity.

Bullying often starts innocently by teasing. But the thin line between teasing and bullying is quickly crossed, especially when the target of harassment neglects to fight back.

Bullies are “agents provocateurs” who should be confronted early on.
Reluctance to indict only further encourages their aggressive behavior.
Most people (or nations) are often hesitant to confront troublemakers, but a timely stand to aggression is the only way to prevent further aggravation.

If in 1936 the French would have had the nerves to oppose the German remilitarization of the Rhineland, it could have stopped Hitler cold in his tracks and maybe even prevented World War II.

Similarly, the Russian provocation in Ukraine should be immediately met by a show of strength. And so should the rampage of ISIS in Iraq and Syria.
Appeasement, or procrastination is often seen as a sign of weakness.

Through a politic of appeasement “Peace in our time” Neville Chamberlain’s  gave England precious little time to prepare for the Nazi onslaught.

“We, the German Führer and Chancellor, and the British Prime Minister, have had a further meeting today and are agreed in recognizing that the question of Anglo-German relations is of the first importance for two countries and for Europe.
We regard the agreement signed last night and the Anglo-German Naval Agreement as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples never to go to war with one another again.”

Less than a year later, Germany invaded Poland triggering World War Two.

In our own backyard blatant provocation should not be ignored. It should be dealt with promptly and forcefully.
The best way to deal with troublemakers is to shun them, to avoid and ignore them.
Snubbing a bully is the most effective way of punishing an attention-getting dunce.

Sometimes, pressured by  peers, the bully will offer apologies.
But one should be wary of hollow expressions of regret. They are often a convenient way to avoid retribution.

Apparent contrition can mollify some people, but it is wise to remember that a leopard can hardly change its spots.
Once a bully, always a bully.

Personally, I think that what a “fouteur de merde” (shit stirrer) needs most desperately is psychiatric help.

Alain