Category: Fourre-tout

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” Joan Rivers

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Confidentially, housecleaning has never been my thing.
As a matter of fact, deep inside I am a (cleaning) conscientious objector. Cobwebs and dust have never bothered me and I don’t bother them.
This is has always been our mutual modus vivendi.

But this arrangement does not sit well with my mate who thrives on dusting and mopping. When it comes to cleaning she is a hardliner.
I don’t know where she caught this strange affliction but she cannot help herself, she has to scrub.
She sometimes sounds like Lady Macbeth. “Out, damned spot! Out I say.”

Vacuuming (not enough according to her) has always been a bone of contention in our household, but suddenly everything changed.
Out of the blue sky (courtesy of Santa) a Roomba Vacuum Cleaning robot landed in our living room. The strange little thing looked like a mix between a small flying saucer and Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2).

After going through the fairly scant instructions a few times I unleashed the machine and the Force awakened.
It started moving around the living room acting like a drunken sailor. It bumped on any obstacle and immediately changed course, but unlike a sloshed swabbie it did a very respectable job.
My cat observing from a safe distance looked nonplussed. Friend or foe? Fight or flee? To be determined after further observation (preferably from an elevated position).

After twenty minutes of seemingly erratic behavior I stopped the machine and emptied its waste container. I was surprised by the amount of dust and cat hair it collected.
Did I really have so much grunge in my abode? Could the missus be right? Hum…

Since the machine was going to be a permanent guest in our household, I thought that I should give it a name and I finally christened her Celeste (from the French “heavenly”) or Celestine.
Now I will probably have to get her a French maid outfit.

So vacuuming should not be a problem anymore. We will just have to unleash Celestine a few times a week and relax while watching the antics of would-be presidents on the tube.

One last thing.
Celestine is powered by a rechargeable battery. After the allotted cleaning time is completed, she heads back by herself to the recharging station for a power transfusion.

Isn’t technology wonderful?

 “My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.” —Erma Bombeck

 I would tend to agree with this, don’t you? Guys?

Alain

https://youtu.be/upEBdKFGlPg

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
Jay Leno

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Very well observed Mr. Leno.

The holiday season is the Bermuda Triangle of the Julian calendar.
It is full of lurking reefs that can damage or sink the sturdiest vessel.

One needs to prepare very carefully (mentally, physical and financially) to run the gauntlet of the “happiest time of the year”.

During the “holy days” (very similar to the rut season) feelings are easily bruised and horns easily locked. Many dormant, unresolved issues could easily degenerate in open warfare, and it often does. Especially within fractious families.

“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” – Robert Godden

First of all, during the holidays you must be jolly. No ifs or buts. Donald Trump said so and as you know the Donald (like il Duce) is always right.

During the holidays you must also love everybody. The Good Book says so.
Everybody…? I don’t think so. Personally I reserve the right to dislike anybody I please.
I claim the right to take exception to anybody, any race, religion (especially that one) or political faction.
I am an equal opportunity spurning machine.

Then there is the business-driven frenzy of shopping. I don’t care if you are a pauper, papist or pessimist, you must buy presents!
If you don’t, you are obviously anti-business and anti-American. For this sin you might be investigated and put on the No-Fly list.

For the fun gun-loving crowd shopping is easy. They will probably head to the nearest gun shop and snatch up the latest killing machine for their friends and relatives.
The religious bunch might blow up something to celebrate the holy days and the politicians will reward themselves with their annual totally undeserved break.

As I said, the (ever-expanding) holiday season is a stressful time. But it might be helped with generous daily doses of hooch or hallucinatory mushrooms.
But don’t despair; there is light at the end of the tunnel.

On December 22, 2015 (Winter Solstice) days will be getting longer and you will have more time to work and recover most of the dough that you spent during the holidays.

The holidays should be a good time for all religions to come together, but don’t hold your breath.
My religion is way better than yours and if you don’t agree with me you deserve to die you heretic dog.

Peace to you too.

Alain

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Contrarily to what would-be refugees might think, life in the West is not a bowl of cherries.

The first obstacle preventing newcomers from feasting on “cerises” is language. If they are over 45 (even younger), they will probably never speak English (or any other language) properly.
Or if they do, they will speak it in a heavily accented English that will set them immediately apart. This in turn might lead to discrimination.

The second hurdle is finding a job.
Finding a job today is tough, not only for refugees but also for college graduates.
Jobs will automatically go to competent candidates and few refugees will qualify.
If they do find a job, it will be a menial, low paying occupation.
Difficult to buy cherries with that.

The third most formidable stumbling bloc is culture.
In the West, social mores are vastly different from those of the Muslim world where religion permeates everything.
When opting to emigrate, refugees need to cast aside the straightjacket of religion and adapt to their new secular environment. Islamic clothing and sectarian beliefs have got to go, for men and women alike.
For some people wearing a “niqab” in a secular country is as offensive as wearing a miniskirt in Saudi Arabia. And a miniskirt would certainly not be permitted in Iran, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia or any other Islamic country.
Refugees will have to shed their previous way of life and adapt to the (sometimes questionable) western ways.

Let’s not forget that it is not up to the welcoming country to adapt to newcomers, but vice-versa. We don’t owe them anything. They owe us everything!

So, life is not going to be easy for the newcomers.
After a while, resentment might settle in. And resentment is a fertile ground for radicalization.
As amply proven before, even second generation immigrants are highly susceptible to extremism. So, any country willing to admit some refugees has the duty to rigorously screen the people they let in.

Religion and sectarian customs are the bane of Muslim countries.
Let us not allow “politically correct” do-gooders to coerce us to accept (without exhausting background check) large amount people who are inherently violent and who have been raised to react murderously to any perceived offense.
The European countries with large Muslim populations (e.g. France) are in big trouble.
Let’s not repeat their mistakes. The pro-guns and pro-life fanatics are troublesome enough without allowing another large wave of potential troublemakers to disrupt our way of life.

Thoroughly screened refugees will probably have to eat crow before tasting cherries.
But the world is still far from being perfect.

It is rightly the people who are the most adaptable that will succeed.
So girls, you can keep your bras but you have to burn your niqabs.

Alain aka Iznogoud

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For you ladies: